Unstrung

[Danté]

Unstrung

I know you’d like to exfoliate
using my two-day growth
before it spirals round a pole
to gurgle at the plug’s removal.

Talking irritation, soft thighs
deaden the piano’s attack
cause havoc with sunglasses,
this recital's far less linguistic.

If I shuffle in my filthy boots
blame yourself for having
a doormat that’s threadbare
at the entrance to your boudoir.

Close your door when I leave
rejoice in some semblance
of a parallel version indeed!
Play your fucking fiddle, not me.

.

[John G]

I love the first two lines - I hear it from the wife on a regualr basis.

I'm not reallt good at this critting malarky -- I haven't enough knowledge to comment on the greater arts of poetry - so I'll just say I enjoyed the read - it flowed well and I got the iamge in mind of a lady of the night.

Don't know if this is what it's about but I let my imagination fly.

[Jasper]

Don't know about anyone else, but I'm enjoying the exchange between your and Suzanne's muse here, D.

Good stuff!

J

[arunansu]

To me, the third strophe is the best. Your poem is as enigmatic as ever, Dante. Liked how you related the last line with the title. Great one, again!

[Suzanne]

Dante,

You really are a very talented writer, as Aru has pointed out.
I had a hard time understanding all of it, so I just let my imagination run wild, too.

Is it sarcasm that rows your boat? You write it so well.
It is done well only by the most intelligent and you are the king, no doubt.

I like the first verse best. The third is the most difficult for me to grasp.

Isn't it wonderful that different people can see the same thing and understand it different ways?

Nice write,
Suzanne

[Leigh]

I think this is brilliant, its just so neat and perfect; everything ties so well. The end is great "play your fucking Fiddle, not me" I heard that part in a Scottish accent, and now- when rereading it- it's all Scottish. You should go mad and drink some blood or something, by way of reward. Cheers.

[walrus]

This is a really fine write! Enjoyed the way you worked the sarcasm, great exit. Wouldn't change a thing . . .

walrus

[Danté]

Thanks Guys

I appreciate the replies, I also appreciate that the poem is a bit of a mixed bag and some verses
will gel with some, and others may have found something in alternative areas of the poem.
Moving forwards, taking all into consideration I probably need to fine tune and get the stuff
across slightly better, without losing the ability of the lines to have multiple outcomes
when interpreted by a range of people.

Many thanks

Danté

[JonJonJon]

It's got heart but I think the 'f' word shows a lack of control and makes me feel less sympathetic....for me you have kept your cool until the last line, when you have reacted rather than responded to what you are feeling (it seems).