Poetry Forum

I crave for my figure to be emaciated.
A shrunken shriveled withered physique.
Is what I aspire.
When my ribs protrude
I feel euphoric.
But am I really?
Aching for the
feeling of hunger.
I am in control.

The scale reading
regulates everything.
Skin and bones.
All the baby fat
gone.

Only heavy under
the burden of
lies.

Mirror mirror on the wall whose the thinest of them all.

(This is my first poem I am posting here I am 14 btw and I am not writing about my self here )

Welcome, Kattie! I hope you enjoy it here. I'm very glad to hear you are not writing about yourself.

This is very good - I like the descriptions of lightness and then the idea of heaviness of lies. If this were mine, I'd miss out the 'But am I really?' line - it's sort of telling the reader what opinion they should have, rather than let the poem speak for itself. I'd also lose the last line - the idea is a bit of a cliche, and I think the poem stands well without it. If you want to keep it, you need 'who is' rather than whose, of course. I think you have to 'aspire to' rather than just aspire, to be correct, too.

Ros

Welcome Kattie

A good first post and Ros has given you an excellent crit. I agree pretty much with all she says

Id like to point out and say well done for the half rhyme of bones/gone and the clever ine break fat/gone which allows the reader to pause and illustrates the gone.

I thought maybe the first stanza could be condensed a little - it tells rather than shows but you can work on that.

hope to see more

elph

Nice poem, Kattie. Loved S1 and S2. I'm with Ros regarding the closing line. I also feel you might re-think about the title.It sounds too common. Maybe that's only me.
Enjoyed the read.

"Only heavy under the burden of lies" is very good and, as others have pointed out, the poem should end there. It's a good poem, I'm not sure about "figure"though, it seems too abstract a word somehow.

Hi kattie,
When i first read this poem, my heart sank and I thought this girl needs help! She's Anorexic! Then I saw your last comment! I hope it wasn't you looking in the mirror!

Very touching poem!

At 14 this is a very good piece of writing. Ros has given you some good suggestions, but even without those it is a well thought out piece. Look forward to seeing more of you around the boards.

A very interesting first poem, I look forward to reading your next! Very well done!

Best Mark

Don't know you that well but a very interesting first read. Some positive crits above.

Liked the title and the content. The mirrrow could be a great theme for future writes.

Fairytales for this.......

L