Poetry Forum

From where does love come and where does it go?
Out and in with the tide, and so set adrift.
Do you remember, you and I?

How it disappeared, and though i reached out
the sun retreated.
Where does love go?

Do you remember the days, with spring and new leaves,
when the warmth entered in.
It was in the garden, i was found with you.

Smells still familiar
and you so lovely, so radiant.

I in you, and you in me.
Do you remember?

This sounds like a lovely memory, but there's not a lot that's original in it, and where are you in it, LaM? Can you make it more personal - not just to you, but to us?

Cheers

David

how do i do that David? I think i prefer to be hidden, I like things ambiguous. How do i make it more personal to you?

Or you could just leave it as it is.

its a rough draft anyway... I will re jig it.

More personal is one way to make a piece more compelling.

But there are other ways you could take it.

You could try for more striking metaphors, adrift could be fired into orbit, dropped down a well, misplaced during a move...

Or you could stir up the language a bit:

LaMOi wrote:Where comes love, arriving, departing?
In with the tide, and out with the wash.
I recall you. Do you recall me, and we?

I feel a bit that here:

LaMOi wrote: Do you remember, you and I?

How it disappeared, and though i reached out
the sun retreated.

You've split one sentence with the desire to have the question mark at the end of the strophe. It feels a bit more:

LaMOi wrote: Do you remember, you and I,

how it disappeared, and though i reached out
the sun retreated?

But that's not very nice.

Maybe starting the second sentence more independently:

LaMOi wrote: Do you remember, you and I?

How was it we disappeared? And though I reached out
the sun retreated.

Starting sentences with "And" is something you can get away with nowadays...

Did you mean lower case "i" in later strophes?

HTH

Ian

thanks for the comments bodkin,

"do you remeber you and I?'' is a stand alone question. And i wanted to say 'It' disappeared not 'we' as 'it' is an entity all by itself.. Its a 'thing' love. Dont know what it is, or where it comes from...