Poetry Forum

I’m tired of strolling
without a direction
in the morning mist.

Had you been near,
I might have found a reason
for the lack of clarity.

We might have explored
the possibilities
of discovering a new mountain range,
much higher than Kanchenjunga.

Seated on a bench, I see the fog leave.
A path climbs up the hill,
flanked by pine trees on one side,
and a vast emptiness on the other.

I am not familiar with Ma Xia but that didn't stop me enjoying this little sketch.
Should line 2 Without be without?

Thanks for the read.

B.

Thanks B. Here's a link for Ma Xia : http://www.artrealization.com/tradition ... ia_gui.htm

I prefer "Without" over "without" in S1L2, for adding an emphasis. Thanks.

Thanks for the link.

Without without a full-stop at the end of line 1 is a little distracting. Consider?

B.

Thanks again. But I feel B, a full stop might impede the flow.

On second thoughts, let "Without" be "without". Thanks.

I'm very much enjoying these longer pieces of yours, arunansu. Much better with, than without.

Thanks for saying that, Ros. I have grown tired of Tanka strings and Haiku. Want to try longer pieces. They may not be that long, they may not be good even, but I'm just taking some time off from the shorter forms. Thanks.

Much better for me Aru. The "stroll" was disrupted by the capital in earlier draft. This is a very nice little journey.
Enjoyed the link very much too. Obviously many similarities to Japanese painting, which I am slightly more familiar with.


B.

I think your long experience with haiku and tanka has given you a good basis to expand, though - you are brilliant at capturing an image, an instant. Now you need to link them together into something with more message, perhaps.

Hello Aru.

There are some good crits above I feel I think Ross expresses a good point though.

You give good images in your poems and it would be nice to see at times more often a good message within them. For me, it would say so
much more, Aru.

Best Wishes.

Thanks for the nice poem.

L

Thank you Ros and Lovely. I shall try my best.

Hi Arunansu,

Now I really like this piece and as other's have said, it's nice to see a longer sample of your work.

Although it has a slight emptiness to it, I found it very calming.

More of the same please

Cheers
Smiffey

Thank you Smiffey for your thoughts on this.