WITH THE RAIN

[Darío Carvajal]

Hello:

I am Spanish and I'm trying to translate some of my poems into English and I need your help to do it correctly.

These poems are published in Spanish in a poetry collection called "SUEÑOS" (Dreams)

I don't speak much English, but I've been using an online translator and sure there are some mistakes.



Thanks in advance.



Here you are the first one:



Spanish version:



CON LA LLUVIA



Nunca ha vuelto a llover

como aquel día...



La tarde lloraba

besando las aceras entre paraguas negros,

y los cristales

desempolvaban sus cristalinas penas.



El agua se llevó

todo el peso del silencio...

Y tronó,

llevándose lo bueno y lo malo

desterrándolo al olvido.



Cada gota

parecía huir del cielo

y se precipitaba con algún tesoro robado

por el camino

para perderse luego

por los serpeantes arroyos.



Luego vino a por ti

seduciéndote con promesas

llenas de húmedos sueños.

Tu te fuiste con la lluvia,

(quizá robada por ella).



Hoy llueve de nuevo,

pero solo como llueven

los recuerdos...





English version:





WITH THE RAIN



It has never rained again

like it did that day....



the afternoon was crying and

kissing the pavement in between the black umbrellas,

and the window panels

dusted off their crystaline sorrows.



Water took

all the weight of silence...

And thundered,

and dragged the good and the bad

banishing to oblivion.



Each raindrop

seemed to escape from sky

and rushed with some stolen treasure

by the way

to be lost after

between the meandering streams.



Then came for you

seducing you by promises

full of wet dreams.

You went with the rain

(so maybe stolen).



Today itś raining again,

but only as the memories

rain down...



Darío P. Carvajal (From the book "SUEÑOS")

[Mic]

This is rather lovely Dario.
The online translator didn't do a bad job - I'm amazed. It is a bit rough though, and meaning is lost in places and wrong meaning crops up in others.
I'll try my hand at translating it when I have a bit more time, perhaps after work, or tomorrow.

Michaela

[Arian]

I suspect your English is rather better than my Spanish, Dario, so I can't comment sensibly on how good the translation is. There's certainly some imaginitive and poetic lines - though there's a few things which, I'd imagine, you didn't intend, too.

All the best
peter

[Lovely]

I liked it and the Spanish people always.

Brings back fond memories for me.

Thank you in this

[Elphin]

Dario

I hope you dont mind - this was in danger of being lost in the beginners forum so I moved it here for consideration.

I will certainly be back to offer some thoughts, my Spanish isnt good enough to comment on the translation but I would like to offer thoughts on the English poem in its own right. Dont you think that the original poem and the translated version should be considered as two pieces of work.

Welcome here.

elph

[twoleftfeet]

Dario,

You might find this site useful:

http://www.wordreference.com/

There is even a forum to help you find

le mot juste

(I've no idea how you say that in Spanish!)

Geoff