Breeze blows over Green Dappled Stream - Shen He

[Lake]

Breeze blows over Green Dappled Stream

Revised

Settle down. Even rough wrinkles become
smooth when a gentle breeze blows over.
By the bank, I’m becalmed, fame and gain
disappear from my mind, noises no more.
Before a farmer fetches water, I dip my feet in.
Fish swim over, jumping from my palm to veins,
then upstream. At this moment, whispers cease
from Green Dappled Steam's lips and tongue,
because of my presence and my foot in the water.
An unknown bird, intentionally , treads
its little feet softly over the surface of the water
like an adult quietly tickling a child's armpit
with his forefinger; water splashes and sprays with
a burst of giggles. Not only do I see the laughter
but I hear the sound of Green Dappled Stream.

Original

Calm down. Even rough wrinkles become
smooth when a gentle breeze blows over.
By the bank, I’m becalmed, fame and gain
disappear from my mind, noises no more.
Before a farmer fetches water, I dip my feet in it.
Fish swims over, jumping from my palm to vein,
then upstream. At this moment, Green Dappled Stream
stops whispering at its lips and tongue,
because of my presence and my one foot in the water.
An unknown bird, wittingly, treads
its little feet softly over the surface of the water
like an adult quietly poking a child's armpit
with his forefinger, water splashes and sprays with
a burst of giggles. Not only do I see the laughter
but also I hear the sound of Green Dappled Stream.


(I translated this poem in memory of the poet who just passed away at age of 47.)

[David]

Another nice collection of images, Lake. Just a few thoughts: not sure I'd start with Calm down - is that it, literally? You've also got becalmed just a couple of lines later.

Also not sure you want wittingly - carefully? cautiously? knowingly?

Some lovely passages, though -

By the bank, I’m becalmed, fame and gain
disappear from my mind, noises no more.

It's like the place you're supposed to take yourself, mentally, before starting meditation.

Cheers

David

[Elphin]

Lake

I dont often visit here - Im so glad I did. I dont know the original poem or poet but what impresses me is that in your translation you have preserved poetics - for example the sonics of rough wrinkles.

One word that I think could be changed - poking a childs armpit is more probably tickling a childs armpit - its tickling that induces giggles. Its also a very good word in the context of water. When we were young we used to tickle for trout, slipping our hand under a rock to find a fish before tickling it and then throwing it on to the bank.

Very good work

elph

[Lake]

Hi David,

Thanks for reading and the questions.

Just a few thoughts: not sure I'd start with Calm down - is that it, literally? You've also got becalmed just a couple of lines later.

Yes, it is literally that. I noticed the repetition when translating. Will Quiet down? work?

Also not sure you want wittingly - carefully? cautiously? knowingly?

It is meant deliberately, purposely ... Do these make any sense? Or is it knowingly close to the meaning?

Thanks again, David. I need to fine-tune this piece, so any comments will help and will be appreciated.

Lake

[Lake]

Hello Elphin,

I'm really happy that you think the translation has preserved poetics.

Your suggestion 'tickling' is a good choice of word, I think I'll use it. You used to tickle fish? That must be fun!

Thanks much!

Lake

[twoleftfeet]

Hi David,

Thanks for reading and the questions.

Just a few thoughts: not sure I'd start with Calm down - is that it, literally? You've also got becalmed just a couple of lines later.

Yes, it is literally that. I noticed the repetition when translating. Will Quiet down? work?

Also not sure you want wittingly - carefully? cautiously? knowingly?

It is meant deliberately, purposely ... Do these make any sense? Or is it knowingly close to the meaning?

Thanks again, David. I need to fine-tune this piece, so any comments will help and will be appreciated.

Lake

"An unknown bird intentionally treads" - works for me.

"Calm down/quiten down" - could imply that the poet is agitated. My choice would be "Settle down".

I'm a little confused by "jumps from my palm to vein" - what vein?

Lastly, I think "also" in the last line can be safely omitted.

Thank you, Lake, for this fine poem.
Geoff

[Lake]

"An unknown bird intentionally treads" - works for me.

"Calm down/quiten down" - could imply that the poet is agitated. My choice would be "Settle down".

I'm a little confused by "jumps from my palm to vein" - what vein?

Lastly, I think "also" in the last line can be safely omitted.

Hi Geoff,

The more I read it the more errors I find.

'intentionally' sounds right. But what's the difference between 'wittingly' and 'intentionally'. It's hard for me to see the subtle difference.

'settle down' is good. Would it (and calm down/quiet down) imply a command? I hope not.

"jumps from my palm to vein"- I find the original a bit confusing too. This is my wild association: the fish leaps from his palm up to his wrist (veins) then swims away up the current.

Yes, 'also' can be omitted.

More questions:

Fish swims - I know it is correct to say a fish swims. But if I want to use fish in a plural sense, can I stick to 'swims' or do I have to use 'swim"?

my one foot in the water - do you feel 'one' is redundant even if I want to emphasize it?

I dip my feet in it - can 'in it' be dropped? I can't get over the thought that there's a need of 'in' after 'dip'.

I'll consider all your and others' suggestions and post another version later.

Many thanks!

Lake

[twoleftfeet]

'intentionally' sounds right. But what's the difference between 'wittingly' and 'intentionally'. It's hard for me to see the subtle difference.
Lake

I chose "intentionally" mainly for the repetition of the "t" sound.
Also, although "unwittingly" is in common use "wittingly" is used less often IMHO.

'settle down' is good. Would it (and calm down/quiet down) imply a command? I hope not.
Lake

Maybe, but he is gently urging himself to be still , is he not?

"jumps from my palm to vein"- I find the original a bit confusing too. This is my wild association: the fish leaps from his palm up to his wrist (veins) then swims away up the current.
Lake

"Palm to wrist" would be better IMHO

Fish swims - I know it is correct to say a fish swims. But if I want to use fish in a plural sense, can I stick to 'swims' or do I have to use 'swim"?
Lake

"Fish swim"

my one foot in the water - do you feel 'one' is redundant even if I want to emphasize it?
Lake

Yes. Not only that - it implies that you've only got ONE foot!! (I missed that first time round, sorry)

I dip my feet in it - can 'in it' be dropped? I can't get over the thought that there's a need of 'in' after 'dip'.
Lake

I think you can lose "in" (I wouldn't). You can definitely omit "it".

[Lake]

I chose "intentionally" mainly for the repetition of the "t" sound.
Also, although "unwittingly" is in common use "wittingly" is used less often IMHO.

I see. There's so much going on in your mind when choosing a word. I didn't know the common use of "unwittingly" and "wittingly".

Maybe, but he is gently urging himself to be still , is he not?

Yes, he is. Glad you interpreted this way.

"Palm to wrist" would be better IMHO

Do I have the liberty to change? Let me think.

"Fish swim"

Ok.

Yes. Not only that - it implies that you've only got ONE foot!!

You made me laugh. The implication you draw reminds me of "a mustache" shared between men (your comment in my other translation).

I think you can lose "in" (I wouldn't). You can definitely omit "it".

Keep "in", drop "it", sounds good.

Thank you for your time and contribution to this translation.

Lake

[barrie]

Hello Lake -

An unknown bird, intentionally , treads
its little feet softly over the surface of the water - unknown & intentionally don't seem to fit here. Maybe you could look at it from a fresh angle -

An mischievous bird treads
its little feet softly over the surface of the water

also -

Even rough wrinkles become
smooth when a gentle breeze blows over. - maybe

Even rough wrinkles become
smooth when fanned by a gentle breeze . - Just a thought

Barrie

[Lake]

Hi Barrie,

The more I read your rewrite the more I like it. At the first read, I thought it was off the original a bit. But after a few reads, I find it does convey the meanings well.

The word "mischievous" has the "intentional", "naughty" meaning.

I thought about the structure

Even rough wrinkles become
smooth when blown by a gentle breeze

but I didn't like the word "blown". So, "fanned" is good.

Thanks for your 'fresh angle'.

Lake

[twoleftfeet]

Top tips, Barrie!

But we still need to fit in "unknown" .
We can't omit it just for the sake of convenience , surely?

[Elphin]

Lake

Just a few thoughts. I would hesitate about losing when a gentle breeze blows over - the alliteration of the b and the o sounds and the rhythm of these words is very effective in mimicing the wind. There I go again disagreeing with barrie - it had been too long without doing so!!

I wonder if the bird is unknown or is it unseen - the effect being that the narrator doesnt see the bird but sees the ripples and hears the splash.

Something still not quite right about intentionally - I wonder about deliberately as a possibility.

Cheers

elph

[Lake]

Hi Barrie, Geoff, Elphin:

I benefit a lot from your discussions. So thank you for this.

An unknown bird is a bird the speaker doesn't know it's name. "We can't omit it just for the sake of convenience" Geoff, it sounds like you also do translation?

Elphin, thanks for spotting the sound of the words. I didn't pay much attention when translating, all I focused was on the meaning though sometimes I failed in delivering the meaning in an accurate manner. Your comment makes me think when the initial translation is done, I should step away from it and have a loot at it from a poetic point of view.

Barrie, as Geoff said you can always offer "Top tips" with surprising ideas. I really appreciate your active, creative mind.

Thanks again for all your input that keeps my mind busy and undecided over the holiday season.

Happy holidays and many poems to come!

Lake

[Elphin]

Lake you might be interested in this.

There is a collection of Paul Muldoons Oxford University lectures collected in a book called The End of the Poem. In this he looks at different aspects of the "End of the Poem". One chapter explores translations using a translation done by Robert Lowell as an example. There is some great discussion in this chapter - a bit academic, but worth persevering with. Here's a couple of quotes that might encourage you to consider your translation as independent works in their own right and I think will reinforce your comment that you need to stand back and think of the poetics once you have achieved the literal translation.

"Boris Pasternak has said that the usual reliable translator gets the literal meaning but misses the tone and that in poetry tone is of course everything" quote from Lowell

"I want to ... propose (1) that the poetic transaltion is itself an "original poem"" Muldoon

If you can get a hold of the lectures you might enjoy this chapter - as i say its heavy academic going but enlightening. Incidentally, i think in the Shen He translations you to the largest extent captured a tone

elph

[Lake]

Thanks Elphin!

I just ordered the book from our library. The quotes in your comment are very inspiring.
I can't wait to read it.

Thanks again.

Lake