Moorland

[paisley]

Moorland

I am a northern moor
lying still under the shadows
of white linen clouds,
scented breeze touching the contours
of muted pinks and greens,
reviving freshly dewed heathers and fields.

And today when she spoke to you,
in judgmental tones of authority,
a songbird voice of grey restraint
grinding the familiar monologist grate;
she didn't realize she sent you back-
you drifted north.

You sought distance and release,
longed for your day to end
where the sun softly reposed
on the untouchable horizon
to be tucked behind the velvety folds
of a northern moor.







X

[Arian]

Hi Paisley -

It sounds like you had a tough day at the office!

This has a nice, easy rhythm, and I like the central conceit of using physical geography (in this case a northern moor) to describe your state of mind. I think:

the sun softly reposed
on the untouchable horizon

is particularly strong.

On the other hand, I can't help feeling that some of the imagery is, perhaps, in danger of seeming a bit worn at the edges.

white linen clouds,

for example, is only a small step from the done-to-death "fluffy cotton" simile, and some might sigh at yet another "scented breeze". To me "velvety folds" though new, sounds a bit twee, but that could just me my take.

The line:

a songbird voice of grey restraint

struck me as oddly condradictory, as I (and I suspect many others) tend to associate songbirds with the notions of colour (gaiety) and freedom, not grey restraint. (I like grey restraint, by the way).

Anyway, it has a nice feel to it, thanks for posting
peter

[paisley]

Thank you peter for your reply. I think I posted too hastily because I do think I should come up with something different than "white linen clouds", it would not surprise you to know it was white cotton clouds but I changed it to linen, LOL. .. as if that was much better. The thought of "white lamb clouds" crossed my mind but, didn't seemed a bit cluncky. Yes, I think so. The scented breeze was scented breath, was that better? it was a last minute switch, those are usually not the best choice.

The "a songbird voice" was intentional though. The sweet thing has the right look/sound but what comes out of her mouth is not pleasant. I will think of your suggestion.

The moor is haunting the one getting the ear-full of monologue. He is wishing for a holiday away from the drone of restraint. Maybe I could include that idea in the title? Anyway, thank you for the kind words and suggestions. I hope to hear more, as I want to learn how to do it better.

[clarabow]

I think you have a good poem here and I understand some of the comments as of course there is an air of Bronte's Heathcliff about the Northern moors, which has stuck just as you tend to think of Hardy country or the Lake land poets. So I do think this keeps with the image of the hurt soul haunting the moors. I like the poem as is, but just a couple of ? but like any work there are other words and images to consider?


I am a northern moor
lying still under the shadows
of white linen clouds,

nothing wrong with these lines but really it is 1 sentence split into 3 lines. I think in a longer poem that would be fine but in a short work a stronger more original image might enhance; I like the first line so maybe look at the next 2?

scented breezeS smooth (ing) - this would read better to me
the contours of muted pinks and greens,
reviving freshly dewed heathers and fields. smooth, fresh and revive seem contradictory?

It was the way she spoke to you,
her ignorant tone (s) of authority, ignorant seems wrong here given songbird and authority?
a songbird voice of grey restraint
grinding the familiar monologist grate; - very strong line
she didn't realize
she sent you drifting north. - drifting could be enhanced with a stronger image

But you sought distance and release, the you here seems to relate to she? Is that correct. The I becomes you?
longed for your day to end
where the sun softly reposed
on the untouchable horizon
to be tucked behind the velvetly folds
of a northern moor.

[clarabow]

Paisley, I hadn't realised this was about you, her and me? But given the moor reference you could (or at least I would) invoke the references to Emily's book, as from what you have here it is not clear.

I am her Heathcliffe
on a northern moor
lying under passing skies

It was the way she spoke to you,
her Linton, her ignorant tone of authority - now works better

but the last stanza I can't work out because I don't know who

she sent you drifting north.

But you sought distance and release, - as this took me back to the first stanza with the I on the moor?

Why not she sent me drifting north as this then fits with S1?

[paisley]

Thank you Clarabow for your comments. Thanks you for the extra note.

This poem has no connection to the Bronte book except I used the idea of a moor. I did not know of the other parallels as I am not familiar with the storyline, though I did know the book was about the moors. And i was prompted by the title of the book to go look up photos of what a moor's foliage is.

There are three persona in the poem.

I don't know the story and yet, from your comments, I must have made a good poem about it, eh? Isn't life funny?

I have heard that there are hidden holes in peat bogs that a person can fall into unknowingly. I have just done that. The poem is doomed to be tied with the book. Oh well. I suppose that it not so bad.

[BenJohnson]

While reading I can't say I was struck by Bronte (how to do those little dots over the e ) references, she has a strong claim to the moors, but not the only claim.

I agree that a few descriptions could be made new with effort. How about "shaggy white clouds" which goes back to your description of lambs/sheep and clouds?

I wonder if you said "songbird's voice" if that would fit better with the image of a beautiful person whose words are unattractive? At the moment it sounds like the voice is being described as beautiful/songbird-like.

S2 is really good, but the whole poem has a lot going for it.

[Arian]

she has a strong claim to the moors, but not the only claim.

I agree. I see cb's point, but it's not against the law to mention moors without referencing Bronte.
Cheers
peter

[clarabow]

Of course you can mention the moor without the reference to the Brontes! The question was how to show the characters in the poem (3) as it didn't seem clear to me. One way is to give them a name or reference, which can be stronger than the vague her - you - the I accepted.

And mine was only a suggestion to hopefully ignite ideas.

[paisley]

Thank you Ben for the encouragement. I am still thinking about the clouds. I do agree something could be stronger. I like your idea about the songbird's voice too. I will think of that today. It might well do.

Peter and Clarabow, thanks for the help both of you have given. I appreciate the time you have taken. It all helps.

[rushme]

gives the feel of vast spaces -

i feel the core of the poem is here - hope it helps as well:

I am a northern moor
lying still under the shadows
touching the contours
of muted pinks and greens,

Today when she spoke to you:
a songbird voice of grey restraint
she didn't realize she sent you back-
you drifted north.

You sought distance
where the sun reposed
on the horizon
of a northern moor.

[Elphin]

Paisley

Something appealing in this. I haven't much to add but the though occurred that three characters are too many. Why not just use the northern moor as a metaphor for you.

Elph

[paisley]

Thank you rushme for that. It is helpful.
Thank you Elph for stopping by and your input.

It is a typical lover's triangle affair.
I am the moor, my lover is listening to another woman drone on
and he wishes he was heading north to me, the moor.

It has been helpful getting so much feedback, thanks.

[ray miller]

I think the 2nd verse is by far the strongest."grinding the familiar monologist grate" is very good.
reviving and freshly dewed seem almost tautologous.
I wonder if you couldn't lose "she didn't realise" and still retain the meaning. Something like "you drifted back north."
Should it not be velvety?

[paisley]

Oh, thank you raymiller.
Yes, it should be velvety. your suggestion about the realizing is a good one, I will think about it.
the pink and green heather and fields, I did intentionally. I just liked how it sounded. Thanks for the time raymiller.