I
The day flags and flays, hangs...listlessly in the air.
Smoke swirls and eddies, stays…right there.
Death lingers on... with every passing breath,
blows on my hair.
How shall I begin to spell out my days and having begun,
...end them?
Greet the moon at eventide, creep quietly into the night,
welcome the darkness; ease out my soul?
When creativity is at your finger-tips and life is a song:
run along to the river, watch the moon come up – so big;
watch the sun go down.
Poetry is a great leveler - a healer, did you say?
It lets you follow its own course, leaves you freer by the day.
Give me the rope to hang myself or give me the will to live.
Let me please, straighten my back or drop down dead...
I will.
II
Done with me, they will lay me down, slam the lid,
the final click - shut, shut, shut,
one way in; mud, mud, mud, no way out.
Alone…
in the dark womb, I could push...
but... will the stars light my way?
Will the mind know no repose,
I, who come from the land of the saints, the Buddha...
Dare I express this sinful choice
this secret lust...this despair...?
Existential Living
This flows along remarkably well even though the rhyme seems random, but it does hold the poem together. I have just some minor suggestions to ignore or impose as always (delete)
The day flags and flays, hangs...listlessly in the air.
Smoke swirls and eddies, stays…right there.
Death lingers on... with every passing breath,
blows on my hair.
How shall I begin to spell out my days and having begun,
...end them?
Greet the moon at eventide, creep quietly into the night,
welcome the darkness; ease out my soul?
When creativity is at your finger-tips and life is a song:
run along to the river, watch the moon come up – so big;
watch the sun go down.
Poetry is a great leveler - a healer, did you say?
It lets you follow its own course, leaves you freer by the day. - this has the effect of weakening the line
Give me A rope to hang myself or give me the will to live.
Let me (please,) straighten my back or drop down dead...
I will.
II
Done with me, they will lay me down, slam the lid,
the final click - shut, shut, shut,
one way in; mud, mud, mud, no way out.
Alone…
in the dark womb, I could push...
but... will the stars light my way?
Will the mind know no repose,
I, who come from the land of (the) saints, the Buddha...
Dare I express this sinful choice
this secret lust...this despair...?
The day flags and flays, hangs...listlessly in the air.
Smoke swirls and eddies, stays…right there.
Death lingers on... with every passing breath,
blows on my hair.
How shall I begin to spell out my days and having begun,
...end them?
Greet the moon at eventide, creep quietly into the night,
welcome the darkness; ease out my soul?
When creativity is at your finger-tips and life is a song:
run along to the river, watch the moon come up – so big;
watch the sun go down.
Poetry is a great leveler - a healer, did you say?
It lets you follow its own course, leaves you freer by the day. - this has the effect of weakening the line
Give me A rope to hang myself or give me the will to live.
Let me (please,) straighten my back or drop down dead...
I will.
II
Done with me, they will lay me down, slam the lid,
the final click - shut, shut, shut,
one way in; mud, mud, mud, no way out.
Alone…
in the dark womb, I could push...
but... will the stars light my way?
Will the mind know no repose,
I, who come from the land of (the) saints, the Buddha...
Dare I express this sinful choice
this secret lust...this despair...?
Hi Rushme,
I'm afraid a) I find this formless and flabby writing (repetitious and v. 'telly') and b) can't find any poetry in it.
I'm afraid a) I find this formless and flabby writing (repetitious and v. 'telly') and b) can't find any poetry in it.
rushme wrote:I
The day flags and flays, hangs...listlessly in the air. ---- 'flags' seems to imply listless. 'flays' is an odd word choice given the atmosphere of lethargy you seem to be after, which makes me think it is there simply to provide some alliteration. Smoke swirls and eddies, stays…right there. ------ swirls and eddies are pretty much the same thing
Death lingers on... with every passing breath,
blows on my hair.
How shall I begin to spell out my days and having begun,
...end them?
Greet the moon at eventide, creep quietly into the night, ------'quietly into the night' feels worn
welcome the darkness; ease out my soul?
When creativity is at your finger-tips and life is a song: ------------------- again, worn language
run along to the river, watch the moon come up – so big;
watch the sun go down.
Poetry is a great leveler - a healer, did you say?
It lets you follow its own course, leaves you freer by the day.
Give me the rope to hang myself or give me the will to live. ------------------ tired language
Let me please, straighten my back or drop down dead...
I will.
II
Done with me, they will lay me down, slam the lid,
the final click - shut, shut, shut,
one way in; mud, mud, mud, no way out.
Alone…
in the dark womb, I could push...
but... will the stars light my way?
Will the mind know no repose,
I, who come from the land of the saints, the Buddha...
Dare I express this sinful choice
this secret lust...this despair...?
"Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside you" - Rumi
boy! am i glad you didn't get there first mic!
there's a difference between criticism & trashing - try & get that right.
a peculiar trend i've noticed - only in this forum:
no sooner do i post -
the poem is trashed by you or one other -
some others dither as danger lurks in these waters -
at times a lone brave swimmer ventures - but by then it's too late to matter!
haha! sorry for being so dramatic but that's the way i see it happening!
there's a difference between criticism & trashing - try & get that right.
a peculiar trend i've noticed - only in this forum:
no sooner do i post -
the poem is trashed by you or one other -
some others dither as danger lurks in these waters -
at times a lone brave swimmer ventures - but by then it's too late to matter!
haha! sorry for being so dramatic but that's the way i see it happening!
Rushme
I can see how expressing the emotions in this poem could have been cathartic for you but it's not quite working on the level of engaging the reader with fresh images and thoughts.
Have a look at some of the phrases e.g death lingering, passing breaths etc and try to find less overtly dramatic and fresher ways of expressing yourself. Who are your favourites poets? Look at how they write and what techniques they use.
As in any area writing is about learning and practice, practice, practice.
Elph
I can see how expressing the emotions in this poem could have been cathartic for you but it's not quite working on the level of engaging the reader with fresh images and thoughts.
Have a look at some of the phrases e.g death lingering, passing breaths etc and try to find less overtly dramatic and fresher ways of expressing yourself. Who are your favourites poets? Look at how they write and what techniques they use.
As in any area writing is about learning and practice, practice, practice.
Elph
Rushme,
I'm sorry that you feel I've simply 'trashed' what you've written. That's not quite true though, is it? I did make some effort to identify areas that I considered to be weak, and why I thought this. I also looked for something positive to say. Here's my concern: if I were to make a habit of praising work - or even just posting lukewarm responses - that I didn't think any good, it would eventually strip the critique of poems that I do admire of any credibility. You would prefer, I think, not to hear my thoughts - or perhaps you only want to hear them if they are complimentary - but that isn't in the spirit of this forum (this isn't a 'love-in' -- it says so on the tin). The usefulness of the forum would disintegrate pretty quickly if we all began to feel that we had to dress-up our negative responses in something a bit prettier.
If anyone thinks anything I write is shit, I want to hear it. It's a valid response. And if they can be bothered to make the effort to say why, I'm grateful. I really am. Because that way, maybe the next piece I write won't be quite so shitty, and the next even less so, and so on. I post complete drivel sometimes, and sometimes I post something that is mostly drivel but maybe there are flashes of something interesting in it and I am always thankful to those who help me distinguish the drivel from the interesting stuff.
Michaela
I'm sorry that you feel I've simply 'trashed' what you've written. That's not quite true though, is it? I did make some effort to identify areas that I considered to be weak, and why I thought this. I also looked for something positive to say. Here's my concern: if I were to make a habit of praising work - or even just posting lukewarm responses - that I didn't think any good, it would eventually strip the critique of poems that I do admire of any credibility. You would prefer, I think, not to hear my thoughts - or perhaps you only want to hear them if they are complimentary - but that isn't in the spirit of this forum (this isn't a 'love-in' -- it says so on the tin). The usefulness of the forum would disintegrate pretty quickly if we all began to feel that we had to dress-up our negative responses in something a bit prettier.
If anyone thinks anything I write is shit, I want to hear it. It's a valid response. And if they can be bothered to make the effort to say why, I'm grateful. I really am. Because that way, maybe the next piece I write won't be quite so shitty, and the next even less so, and so on. I post complete drivel sometimes, and sometimes I post something that is mostly drivel but maybe there are flashes of something interesting in it and I am always thankful to those who help me distinguish the drivel from the interesting stuff.
Michaela
"Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside you" - Rumi
thanks elphin -
'with every passing breath blows on my hair' i thought was quite fresh!
for a subject like this - it's the treatment that matters.
i love drama - for me if a poem is not dramatic it tends to be boring - but that's me!
you're right about the pratice part!
but thanks for all the valuable suggestions - will look into it & try harder (sigh!)
'with every passing breath blows on my hair' i thought was quite fresh!
for a subject like this - it's the treatment that matters.
i love drama - for me if a poem is not dramatic it tends to be boring - but that's me!
you're right about the pratice part!
but thanks for all the valuable suggestions - will look into it & try harder (sigh!)