Bruitts Farm

[dogofdiogenes]

Bruitts Farm

She washes the days, rinses them with talk
of time, birds, sky, the empty trough.
The chatter drains.
She rests her breath and leans on her resentment:
there are two of us.

He rubs his mind; it fails.
He sweats to free it,
to claw back the years of harness which pull
as he moves, a feral dog at noon.
But she throws a ball.
He brings it back.

Iris, love, what did you do to become
the keeper of dogs and their memories?
Him the blue-eyed memory as
he stalks about his ditches,
entering anew his own territory from the shadows,
a terrible thing which slobbers language and chews it up.

She'll clean him up and out,
tidy him with the house and the rescued birds
unchained at last; the barley beckons.
But she throws a ball
and he brings it back.

Hi there, really need some help to tidy this up, please!
Kind Regards,
jacq

[BenJohnson]

There are some lovely lines in this Jacq

The chatter drains.
She rests her breath and leans on her resentment:

--

Iris, love, what did you do to become
the keeper of dogs and their memories?

--

a terrible thing which slobbers language and chews it up.


Why was the dog in a harness? Guide dog? Is the blue eyed memory the dog or someone else? A sheep dog?

'there are two of us.' seems a bit telly after the opening, could she say something to tell us there are two of them "just us two now" or similar? For me S2 and S4 feel a bit bland compared to S1 and S3, though I like the refrain line.

All in all probably not much help, but there is some great parts in there.

[clarabow]

Ah, lovely - now this is good. But, always a but with me - The voice in the first part confused me with the voice in the most part.

She washes the days, rinses them with talk - lovely line
of time, birds, sky, the empty trough. - and this is and isn't as good - the empty trough - like this
The chatter drains.
She rests her breath and leans on her resentment: - great line
there are two of us. - ah, now here I start to get confused - who are the two? Or is it 2 and the dog?

He rubs his mind; it fails.
He sweats to free it,
to claw back the years of harness which pullS - claw back the years a cliche
as he moves, a feral dog at noon.
But she throws a ball.
He brings it back.

Iris, love, what did you do to become
the keeper of dogs and their memories? - lovely lovely lovely
Him the blue-eyed memory as - don't like the repetition of memory
he stalks about his ditches,
entering anew his own territory from the shadows,
a terrible thing which slobbers language and chews it up. - great

She'll clean him up and out,
tidIES him with the house and the rescued birds
unchained at last;
the barley beckons.

But she throws a ball - I would end it on the line above
and he brings it back.

[twoleftfeet]

Hi Jacq,

She washes the days, rinses them with talk
of time, birds, sky, the empty trough.
The chatter drains.
She rests her breath and leans on her resentment:
there are two of us.

- Excellent opening, with "drains" refering back to "washes/rinses", but also implying petering-out and (maybe) that
"she" doesn't do a lot apart from natter and order the dog around.
Like Clara I'm confused by who is who.
I'm guessing that she (Iris?) resents the "dog" and the Narrator whose relationship with the others is not clear.

He rubs his mind; it fails.
He sweats to free it,
to claw back the years of harness which pull
as he moves, a feral dog at noon.
But she throws a ball.
He brings it back.
- another fine stanza, but "pull" doesn't match up with "claw" IMHO and also "noon" seems too young for the "dog"

This is the only line which didn't run smoothly in my head as I read it
entering anew his own territory from the shadows,
- Re-occupying? (Just a suggestion)

unchained at last; the barley beckons.
- just for a moment I thought she was sending him out to the fields!

But she throws a ball
and he brings it back.
- IMHO the repetition works a treat

Cracking piece
I'm off to look up the antonym of "misogyny"

Geoff

[nar]

Hey, dog.

Very much enjoyed, and not much to nit at all.

Bruitts Farm

She washes the days, rinses them with talk
of time, birds, sky, the empty trough. Cracking opening.
The chatter drains. drains is the perfect word here
She rests her breath and leans on her resentment:
there are two of us.

He rubs his mind; it fails.
He sweats to free it, I'm a little less keen on this. It's nice idea, but not a solid image to me
to claw back the years of harness which pull
as he moves, a feral dog at noon.
But she throws a ball.
He brings it back. Written simply, but adds a lot

Iris, love, what did you do to become
the keeper of dogs and their memories? Superb
Him the blue-eyed memory as
he stalks about his ditches,
entering anew his own territory from the shadows,
a terrible thing which slobbers language and chews it up. These last 3 feel a little weaker, perhaps 'wordy' compraed to what went before

She'll clean him up and out,
tidy him with the house and the rescued birds
unchained at last; the barley beckons. Back on track in these 3... nicely done
But she throws a ball
and he brings it back. Of course he does.

jacq

Overall, this is a great piece to read. The end of S3 is all I might be tempted to look at. It's not quite clear enough for me.

Thanks,

- Neil.

[brianedwards]

Jacq, is it necessary for the speaker to be present in the scene? Aside from the complication it adds in terms of pronoun allocation, in narrative terms it seems an unnecessary intrusion. I'd also suggest you name the dog as well as the lady, and maybe start with Iris rather than she. In S2, maybe the throwing of the ball could introduce the dog? It does jar a little as it is written now.

I agree there are some extraordinary lines here, definitely worth working on.

B.

[brianedwards]

Another thing, and excuse me if I am ignorant here, but does the title require an apostrophe?
Just thought I'd ask . . .

[dogofdiogenes]

brian

'tis simply the name of the farm!-no apostrophe in it but if it makes anyone more comfortable will adapt it.

and then
-
I have hit a really big problem here, folks, and it is completely of my own making. I am more than happy to go back to the drawing board with the crits., but the dog doesn't start life as a dog-it's a demented husband. Clearly I haven't signposted this enough so I have failed there and given that, it's going to need a bit more tinkering than you have suggested!

Any suggestions gratefully received, but i think I just need to start again.

Big thanks

jacq (sort of dog, not yet dementing!!)

[twoleftfeet]

Jacq, is it necessary for the speaker to be present in the scene? Aside from the complication it adds in terms of pronoun allocation, in narrative terms it seems an unnecessary intrusion. I'd also suggest you name the dog as well as the lady, and maybe start with Iris rather than she. In S2, maybe the throwing of the ball could introduce the dog? It does jar a little as it is written now.

I agree there are some extraordinary lines here, definitely worth working on.

B.

"Le mot juste" (OK I know it's two words..)
I dunno, Brian - names like REX and ROLF might work - I've come across those, but keeping him nameless kinda emphasises
his social status (or lack of).

[BenJohnson]

brian

'tis simply the name of the farm!-no apostrophe in it but if it makes anyone more comfortable will adapt it.

and then
-
I have hit a really big problem here, folks, and it is completely of my own making. I am more than happy to go back to the drawing board with the crits., but the dog doesn't start life as a dog-it's a demented husband. Clearly I haven't signposted this enough so I have failed there and given that, it's going to need a bit more tinkering than you have suggested!

Any suggestions gratefully received, but i think I just need to start again.

Big thanks

jacq (sort of dog, not yet dementing!!)

That makes more sense of the poem, there are hints like the language being chewed up that points to human rather than dog, I think it needs a few more linkages, does the husband believe he is a dog? Is he literally bring the ball back?

[twoleftfeet]

brian

'tis simply the name of the farm!-no apostrophe in it but if it makes anyone more comfortable will adapt it.

and then
-
I have hit a really big problem here, folks, and it is completely of my own making. I am more than happy to go back to the drawing board with the crits., but the dog doesn't start life as a dog-it's a demented husband. Clearly I haven't signposted this enough so I have failed there and given that, it's going to need a bit more tinkering than you have suggested!

Any suggestions gratefully received, but i think I just need to start again.

Big thanks

jacq (sort of dog, not yet dementing!!)

I thought it was clear enough, Jacq.
What I wasn't so sure about was how far you were passing judgement on the characters (or not).
I immediately sympathised with the man, but it is not really clear who is dependant on whom. Of course you may want to
leave these issues up in the air, allowing the reader to invent their own scenario.
Now I've re-read it a couple of times it's clearly possible that the woman could have abandoned him but hasn't.

btw Yasgur's farm, even more famous than Old McDonald's, has an apostrophe, so I think Brian has a point.

Geoff

[Elphin]

Jacq

I find this very engaging and very alive with language and images. To me it was clearly about a relationship (human). I dont think fixing it is a big problem - you just need to overcome the pronouns.

A couple of ideas to address - what about saying like a feral dog at noon or alternatively/maybe additionally make the "she" an I.

I think the poem too could be sharpened to the very best images -

line 1 - maybe split this line in two. They are both strong enough phrases to warrantthe reader resting on both
line 2 - I would pick one of birds or sky, no need for both
s2 - I wonder about tightening to

He rubs his mind; it fails
to claw back the years of harness
which pull as he moves,
like a feral dog at noon.
She throws a ball.
He brings it back.

s3 - maybe some clarification needed here. How about

Iris, love, what did you do
to become the keeper of dogs
and their memories - a blue-eyed memory
of him as he stalks about his ditches,
entering anew his own territory from the shadows,
a terrible thing which slobbers language and chews it up.

final stanza - I think you are implying that no matter how often she dumps him the relation is rekindled so I wonder if the final couplet should be

But she always throws a ball
and he always brings it back.

I have been struggling of late to engage with a lot of writing - but this one I did. Good job.

elph

[dogofdiogenes]

Hi Elph,

Thank you for your input-will now go away to chew over it all and attempt a revision sometime before the kids have gone back to school-

jacq

[emuse]

She washes the days, rinses them with talk
of time, birds, sky, the empty trough.
The chatter drains.
She rests her breath and leans on [her] resentment:
there are two of us.

(I love the rhythm and natural flow here. The voice is original and fresh. It's a great opener. I wouldn't change this except to delete the unnecessary pronoun.)

He rubs his mind; it fails.
He sweats to free it,
to claw back the[ years of] harness which pull
as he moves, a feral dog at noon. (I wonder if you need to say "claw back the years". It feels a bit contrived and if you omit and let the harness do the work, it infers both weight and time IMO. A strong line as well.)
But she throws a ball.
He brings it back. (Just so!)

Iris, love, what did you do to become
the keeper of dogs and their [memories] (thoughts?)?

Him the blue-eyed memory as (You have memory here twice. Consider a synonym for one of them.)
he stalks about his ditches,
entering anew his own territory from the shadows,
a terrible thing which slobbers language and chews it up. (great line)

She'll clean him up and out,
tidy him with the house and the rescued birds
unchained at last; the barley beckons.
But she throws a ball
and he brings it back.

You might consider removing the first mention of this

But she throws a ball.
He brings it back.

and leave the surprise for the end. I understand that the ball cycle is part of the repetition of habits but wonder if the ending is diluted by mentioning it early on.

A pleasure to read and not a lot to change here IMO!

e

[David]

Jacq, I've only got as far as the first two stanzas yet, but the first one is really good, especially the first two lines.

In the second stanza, I'm not really not keen on the laboured language of lines 3-5. I would like it like this:

He rubs his mind; it fails.
But she throws a ball.
He brings it back.

Cheers

David

[Suzanne]

Jacq,

This is really a good read. I knew it was a husband. The thread is exciting to read as you have gotten good tips and I look foraqrd to following the edits. I did understand the husband metaphor, thought I'd say so.
Loved the first stanza tremendously.

Very lovely poem.
Suzanne