Returning To

[El Wow!]

Return to me, my back yard cage of green
I fill the pool and drag a wicker chair
sit shoeless with my robin’s chirping preen
while concentration scribbles what is there.

Around the world and back, within my head
a broom full-swept those corners clear of dark
then down the stairs where judgment makes its bed
into today, as thought whips up a spark.

Inside my hat a honeycomb of sun
brings bright and close, last woven, ochre straws
and through a time-worn space of toppling fun
I spy, my little eye’s, unclosing doors.

Once sky lay ‘cross the floor, a rippled rag
reflecting clouds up to an ethered void,
the crissing, crossing pond waved such a flag
as mother’s words rang back, you must avoid…

Still flies wash under sun, in water’s glance
recorded for posterity, they glide
breathe in and out, no microbes stand a chance
across the rise and fall of God’s keen tide.

But I’ll return whenever heat spares time
set down a wetted course with thankful feet
skip smiling through a dreamy summer’s clime
and dance at rest to heart’s unerring beat.

El Wow!

[clarabow]

I think this is technically very good. I would prefer to see stanza breaks as the eye of the reader would probably find it easier and more pleasing. The first line - Return me to my back yard cage of green ? I don't know if you would want to make this minor change? Some of the internal punctuation hinders the flow rather than helps. My only reservation and I think this is a problem for any poet writing in rhyme is that the poem can come across slightly dated (and I have the same problem) with words like clime - perfectly acceptable but not in common use and harks back to a previous century. Also the sentence structure, worked presumably to fit the meter - difficult to resolve I know, but does stretch construction in a couple of places, but all in all this is good. General appeal? well best wait to see what others think.

Return to me my back yard cage of green
I fill the pool and drag a wicker chair
sit shoeless with my robin’s chirping preen
while concentration scribbles what is there.

Around the world and back, within my head
a broom full-swept those corners clear of dark
then down the stairs where judgment makes its bed
into today, as thought whips up a spark.

Inside my hat a honeycomb of sun
brings bright and close, last woven, ochre straws
and through a time-worn space of toppling fun
I spy, my little eye’s, unclosing doors.

Once sky lay ‘cross the floor, a rippled rag
reflecting clouds up to an ethered void,
the crissing, crossing pond waved such a flag
as mother’s words rang back, you must avoid…

Still flies wash under sun, in water’s glance
recorded for posterity, they glide
breathe in and out, no microbes stand a chance
across the rise and fall of God’s keen tide.

But I’ll return whenever heat spares time
set down a wetted course with thankful feet
skip smiling through a dreamy summer’s clime
and dance at rest to heart’s unerring beat.

[brianedwards]

Ahh, good to read you again my friend. As clara notes above, "clime", and also perhaps "heart" in the last line, may jar for some, but I think the whimsical tone is well established by the time we reach those lines and so, according to the poem's internal sense, they are more than permissible.
For the record, stanza breaks add nothing for me.

Excellent, as always.

B.

[Oskar]

El Wow!

It’s great to have you back!!!.

You’ve returned with a brave offering, as you know this isn’t the sort of thing that will have people throwing bouquets at you! It reminds me of Thomas Hood’s I Remember, I Remember. You’ve got a similar type of childhood v. experience theme in this. I happen to have a soft spot for the Hood poem, and I really enjoyed reading yours.

I like the rosey nostalgic pictures you create, as well as the darker allusions you’ve included. Some of your phrases (as ever) sparkle, such as Inside my hat a honeycomb of sun and Once sky lay 'cross the floor, a rippled rag. Like clarabow, I’d also want to see this divided up into bite sized chunks. I think it’ll give the reader more room to breathe and a better chance to savour what you’ve written.

The form you’ve chosen puts you in a straightjacket, but you’re more than good enough to convey your thoughts successfully IMO. Your poem reminds me of how long I have spent reading contemporary poetry. I like what you’ve done very much, but I was uncomfortable reading it!

I’m looking forward to reading El Wow! with the shackles off.

Regards

[ray miller]

Long time no Wow! I saw your name on an old thread recently and wondered where you'd got to. So hello again. I read this last night and it looked longer, suppose that's what chopping it into verses does.
Like clarabow I had trouble with the punctuation, especially this: I spy, my little eye's, unclosing doors.Do you need the comma after eye's?
"while concentration scribbles what is there" is a very nice line and sums up the poem, a good old-fashioned English poem, I suppose, robins, the weather.
"sit shoeless" is hard to say.

[brianedwards]

"sit shoeless" is hard to say.

Ha! I had meant to mention that, yes!

[El Wow!]

hi clara.....return to me, is as a lover, so i've just whacked in a comma for breath, see your idea though. Have alsop left some space a la stanzas, although as brian says, makes little difference to me either, but others may disagree.
I like rhymimg, hardly a soul does it these days for varying reasons, mainly it seems that people cannot meter out the lines. Yet old fashioned as i am, this is a rare piece.
Thanks for casting a good eye
El

[El Wow!]

Hi Brian. ..Long time ns, you look pale, have a holiday!
Now i like clime, old but under used, though i'll definitely agree with you over heart, musta been in a hurry at the end. And yes, stanza don't really affect me either
ta for kind words
El

[El Wow!]

I think it's the rhyming that you refer to as brave oskar, dunno why, its all i wrote for my first 6 years poeming, was a bugger to break free of, so i let the addiction loose a whileThanks for the welcome backs....and that thomas hood poem was a goody i know, way way back when.
The rosy old fashiond bits are really just a few weeks ago lol. i blow up the kids blue pool,(its mine now so sod em) fill to overflowing, grab a drink, a book and some paper, cover my face with a straw hat, and watch the sky through its holes :+) this is all weather permitting , which over here is like roulette.
cheers oskar

(removes straight jacket)

[El Wow!]

Hi again ray, think it actually looks longer in stanzas too.
on the eye spy lines i think i use the commas as breating spaces, else yes, i'd remove it,
lol yes sit shoeless.....a bit polly sits behind the door-ish lol
but i shall not relent
lol
cheers ray

[El Wow!]

"sit shoeless" is hard to say.

Ha! I had meant to mention that, yes!

I dunno....a finger in each side of the mouth lol

cheers B

[Oskar]

people cannot meter out the lines.

That's a fair point. It's hard work.

I think it's the rhyming that you refer to as brave oskar

Yes, those end rhymes (though well written) don't quite have the allure that they once had for me. Never thought I'd ever admit to that!

rhyming...its all i wrote for my first 6 years poeming

I know the feeling. It was the same for me. Now the only time I'd ever consider using end rhymes would be for light verse. But that's just personal preference, of course.

Good luck with your new set of circumstances.

[brianedwards]

"sit shoeless" is hard to say.

Ha! I had meant to mention that, yes!

I dunno....a finger in each side of the mouth lol

cheers B

Shit Sue-less?

[Arian]

the problem for any poet writing in rhyme is that the poem can come across slightly dated

True, it can. But not necessarily. If you're not already aware, and I know you are, Sophie Hannah is pretty much committed to rhyme, and there's few people writing today who sound less dated.

For example, try this:
http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/your-dad-did-what/

It can be done!

Cheers
peter

[El Wow!]

Hi peter, yes she's a great poet, but even she lets the meter slip in the last verse there, twice. But if the tale is strong enough, hopefully the rhyme becomes translucent.
thanks
El

[El Wow!]

Good luck with your new set of circumstances.

not sure what my new circs are oskar, but ta anyway lol

El

[El Wow!]

i flew straight back to school then b lol
cheers
El

[brianedwards]

the problem for any poet writing in rhyme is that the poem can come across slightly dated

True, it can. But not necessarily. If you're not already aware, and I know you are, Sophie Hannah is pretty much committed to rhyme, and there's few people writing today who sound less dated.

For example, try this:
http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/your-dad-did-what/

It can be done!

Cheers
peter

Peter, I've never understood what you like about Hannah. I find it hard not to really hate that poem. I'm no expert but I find the rhythm quite clumsy too . . .

[Arian]

Peter, I've never understood what you like about Hannah. I find it hard not to really hate that poem. I'm no expert but I find the rhythm quite clumsy too . . .

That's fine by me, Brian.

[twoleftfeet]

Most skilfully done, sir.

I especially liked

while concentration scribbles what is there.

Not too keen on "full-swept" or "'cross" though, but these are small nits.

I also liked
and dance at rest to heart’s unerring beat.
- OK, maybe you could find a synonym for "heart" but, "dance at rest" suggests that you could almost be as bone-idle as
yours truly.

Geoff

[El Wow!]

Bone idle sounds good to me geoff... the shortening of cross has come up before, i'm told it shouldn't be done these days, dunno why.
and i agree with most of the rest, but then i spose i would
thanks geoff
El