Quest

[Dakeyras]

Why do we do this to ourselves?
Why do we spend time,
Put effort,
Try,
To harm each other,
And ourselves?
What joy do we gain?
But we continue,
We follow our ways,
Our traditions,
Our fathers
And mothers,
For we have no individuality,
Not anymore,
No self,
No alone,
Just groups,
Crowds,
Numbers,
All thinking as one,
An enormous individual,
A world united.
Yet it is these,
Our self,
That we hurt,
That suffers,
That is tormented.
The souls of the One
Scream for mercy,
To stop the killing,
To stop the war,
To stop the famine.
But do we listen?
Can we listen?
Do we know how,
To listen to the inner voice,
That little sound,
That warns us of imminent danger?
Can we break from the One,
To be alone,
To think freely,
To believe what we want?
Do we have that power?
Could we use it
Against ourselves,
And not suffer the guilt?
And if we did?
We would just be like the One,
Using the power against others,
Or another,
Just one,
One,
A being.
But by hurting one,
We hurt many,
For the ripples spread wide,
Forever touching others,
And the sorrow moves on,
Touching another soul,
Freeing another spirit,
Losing another life,
For the price of a little love,
For the want of a little loneliness,
For the dream of peace,
And the wish to create
A place of calm,
A refuge in the storm,
A chance to think,
To understand,
To be myself,
To be...

[ki no sei]

Can we break from the One,

We would just be like the One,

What is this One that is poem speaks of?

[Dakeyras]

If you look through the poem again there is also

All thinking as one,
An enormous individual,
A world united.

That is the "One". The collective mind of the people of the world.

[Kpt Quack]

Hello,

I have written a few in this style before and usually get the same response. First you need to break it up a bit, it's to relentless. By having no break, no pause for breath, you can sometimes skip over some important points.

Also the line lengths get longer as the piece goes on, which slows the piece down i feel at the wrong points, early breaks and a longer stanza with continued short sharp lines to the end will help this poem no end, i feel.

However, having said that, I am a great fan of having one or two words on a line if those words have power and meaning, and you have more than several here. It kind of reminds me of an early Bob Dylan poem, the early 60's stuff, and how can that be bad?
keep up the good work.

Thanks for the poem

[Saul]

Firstly, what is this actually about? Something profound, the universe, the inherent hatred within the human race and our inability to co-exist in harmony and as one you will probably reply. You have decided to explore grandiose themes and in doing so completely failed to tackle any of them in a compelling or original way. It's like you've dug all the cliches you could find from a bog, filled a bucket full of them, carried it to the nearest bit of paper and smeared them all over the page with a shovel. I don't think readers appreciate that and most would find it insulting to their intellect. We all know about the big stuff in life, the cliched things that everyone has to deal with but they don't often make for good poetry, if at all, just pretenscious drivel. This poem is like the tin man in the Wizard of Oz.

[Dakeyras]

Go fuck yourself with a large extra wide sledge hammer, or alternatively try to be constructive. If you don't like it, don't comment on it.

Personally (and this may be big headed of me), but I prefer the big cliched stuff to the bog standard boring no imagination read. But do you see me writing complaints about it in an abusive manner? No. It's called etiquette, and since coming to this website, I'm now seriously running short on it.

Hence my request to have my profile deleted.

The last time I met a bunch of individuals like this who weren't willing to view all horizons, was when I saw a racist demonstration in Marseilles. Or perhaps a better parallel would be when I did A-Level art, and you were marked down for trying anything other than fine art: surrealism, cubism, modern etc.

By all means have your opinions, but you have no recourse to go shouting them in an abusive, nasty and down right rude way at individuals. Bugger the lot of you!

[Bombadil]

Ah, yes the lot of us are nigger hating, barn-burning, anti-everybody baddies, who, now are walking funny because of a sledgehammer buggering. Was that with or without lube?

Dak, I'm afraid you're being entirely too sensitive. We are not ridiculing you, we are critiquing you. We are not burning crosses in your front lawn, we are trying to shed light on your work (which frankly doesn't make much sense some of the time). You need to calm down a bit and realize we aren't after your hide.

Incidentally, if you requested deletion, why are you back? Also, why did you complain about your posts not getting attention when you obviously aren't ready to handle anything remotely negative.

We are not trying to run you off. However (big however), don't misinterpret the core purpose(s) of this site: To hone, refine, respect and (if possible) perfect one's own craft. If you are just here to do what you do and bitch about people picking on you, then I'm afraid the lynch mob will be on the rise for real.

Anyway, if you stay: calm down. If you don't, stop popping back in.

Cheers,

Bombadil.

[pseud]

Go fuck yourself with a large extra wide sledge hammer, or alternatively try to be constructive. If you don't like it, don't comment on it.

No more of that. You asked to go, this thread is pointless.

Saul, all future critics - please be constructive for all our sakes.