Beached

[Marc]

Walking a broken beach
where whipped sand
carves her name.

Framed on blown
breakwaters
sullen gulls grumble
of old pains.

Out in grey curls
narwhals point
to unicorns with
mermaid riders.

Such are the fantasies
the ocean offers
drowned pilots
and lost insiders

[ray miller]

Lost insiders? Someone lost in internal musings? Good if it is but maybe you mean something entirely different.I think you need "Such are the fantasies". Does Narwhals need to be capitalised?
I like that last verse now, didn't get it at first. There's various reasons that the first verse makes me laugh but I'll just say that "whipped sand" reminded me of the Food comp.

[benjamin]

"Lost insiders" threw me too. If you meant what ray thought you meant, it would be "lost-insiders" (with a hyphen).

"Sullen" connotes a silent or reserved state, so I'm not sure it works well with "screeched."

If you're going to rhyme, you should probably go with meter too, or at least a consistent number of syllables; otherwise it ends up reading awkwardly. I particularly noticed this in the last two stanzas.

[David]

Lost insiders? Drowned pilots?

It's not about Lost, is it?

If it is I claim my free polar bear.

[delph_ambi]

I also had problems with the 'lost insiders' which felt like a construction shoe-horned in for the sake of the rhyme. One knows (I think) what you mean, but the phrase doesn't quite work.

Enjoyed much else here, particularly the second stanza. Good, sparse writing. Pared down to essentials.

[Marc]

Thanks David, Ray, Benjamin and Catherine: - good points!
Sullen things don't screech (they mutter bitterly to themselves perhaps...). Narwhal doesn't need a capital (except at the start of this sentence....).

Not convinced that because I've used a slight rhyme it means I've got to go boots n all into meter, syllabic construction etc. Whenever I do that I get shot down here for being old fashioned!

Re lost insiders - I'm aware of the ambiguity but rather like it. I was playing on the idea of insiders being those lost at sea and now resident in Davey Jones's locker. Of course it also refers to an individual who is lost on the inside eg introverted and depressed.

Changes coming....

Thanks,
Marc

[Suzanne]

Hi, Marc,
I liked "lost insiders" because it made the N part of a group. Some sort of empathetic club beneath the sea. Yet not drowned, yet not lost, still in a club. I thought it was original.
We've all been part of that club at one time, i believe. At least us grown ups have.

I liked the whipped sand carving her name, again i thought it was an original image.

I don't know what you edited but it reads pretty tightly now. Each verse ties nicely to the previous. Well done, I say. I liked it.
Suzanne

[Marc]

Thanks Suzanne,
Appreciated.

Err, I never claimed to be grown up though!

Marc

[brianedwards]

Marc, as first lines go, what you have here gives me no incentive to read further. Why isn't the location given in the first line?

Today I walk
Today I walk along a broken beach
I walk along a broken beach

Which of these invites the reader into the poem best? My vote is for the third.

I like the grumbling gulls and the last two stanzas are nicely done, but you're making me work too hard to get there.
I also wonder about adding "the" to fantasies?

Such are the fantasies
the sea offers

I don't always comment Marc, but I do always read your work and when on form you write some exceptional poetry. I do feel however that you tend to tie yourself to formal patterns which, sometimes, makes your writing stilted. The musician in you perhaps? I won't speculate, but I'd like to see you experiment more with rhythm and pacing.

That said, this the the best of your recent output I think.

B.

[Marc]

Thanks Brian, your input is always appreciated.
I've made a couple of amendments along the lines suggested. Had to change 'sea' to 'ocean' otherwise 'the fantasies the sea' is sonically too close.
Shortened it slightly to improve flow as well, I hope it's better now!

Thanks for the compliment as well! Recent output has been very patchy after a long dry spell (too much music going on over the summer)


Must try harder.....


Marc

[twoleftfeet]

Hi Marc,

Despite the get-out clause provided by the final stanza, which allows you to be as fanciful as you like, I do think

where whipped sand
carves her name.

- is Mills-and-Boon territory.

S2, the most understated stanza, on the other hand, is excellent IMHO.

In S3 I like
Out in grey curls
- but the rest made me think of Rupert Bear on holiday in Rocky Bay

Like everyone else I'm puzzled by "lost insiders" (without the hyphen)
- so you could say I got lost inside the poem.

Plaudits for the paring-down to the minimum and for the sonics that come with it.

Geof

[brianedwards]

Like everyone else I'm puzzled by "lost insiders" (without the hyphen)

Not everyone else Geoffrey. Like Suzanne, I find it original and quite enchanting.

Do agree about the "whipped sand" though.

B.

[twoleftfeet]

Like everyone else I'm puzzled by "lost insiders" (without the hyphen)

Not everyone else Geoffrey. Like Suzanne, I find it original and quite enchanting.

Do agree about the "whipped sand" though.

B.

OK, I should have said "Like some others", Brian.
It may be enchanting (so is Rupert) but not, for me, alongside drowned pilots. Each to his own.

Geof
Please note the new spelling - Rus has inspired me .

[brianedwards]

It may be enchanting (so is Rupert)

I see.

[Suzanne]

I am not going to be shy, I'll just ask why is whipped sand not pleasing? Or a cause for tripping?

Is it because it is a cliche? Or sounds like whipped cream? Or?

I liked it because it would take some real concentration to see a name in whipped sand. It it showed the intensity of focus, I thought.

These sorts of little questions can shed big light on how people read,it can be helpful. Thanks.
Suzanne

[twoleftfeet]

I dunno, Suzanne - it's romantic, yes, but overly-so IMHO.
As Ray said , whipped sand does make some of us think of food.
Also the wind is the agent, so it's a stretch to ascribe the carving to the sand.
Also it made me think of Zorro : the wind makes dunes,it doesn't do calligraphy.

I hope you are happy now, coz Mark will be laying in to my next post, for sure, and it will be your fault.

[Suzanne]

Ah, I nod my head. That explains it AND why I still like it.

Now, excuse me while I go google Mills and Boone.

You going to blame me? Lol. He is ruthless. Did you see my thread recently? My apologies.
Suzanne

[Marc]

Oh no Geof you've assassinated my poem.
For some reason I keep thinking about Ice cream /Mr Whippy when I read the first stanza. I guess it's beach/whippy association. Also I'm hungry. Need to go and fix supper.

And now "Out in grey curls" is making me think of the ladies hairdressers in Teignmouth. It's all gone wrong...

Unicorns and mermaids are I fully accept very dangerous territory (they can give you a nasty impaling/smell dreadfully of fish) but I hoped my reference to the tv series Lost would redeem this...

I was wearing yellow checked trousers when I wrote this btw.

Finally:
Three women were talking about their love lives. One had a new boyfriend, one was engaged and one had been married some time. They decided it would be fun to spice up their sex lives a bit so all agreed to meet their partners wearing a basque, suspenders and a mask and then discuss the results the next week.
And so... one week later the girl with the new boyfriend recounted how her lover was filled with excitement and swept her into the bedroom where they had wild sex all night.
The engaged girl said her fiance was filled with passion and love for her, appreciating the thought and they made beautiful tender love for hours.
The married woman sighed and recounted how her husband came in from work, laughed at her and just said "What's for dinner, Zorro?"

The only Zorro joke I know folks,
Thanks all,
Mar

[twoleftfeet]

Sorry, Marc

What do I know?
I've never watched LOST so that association was lost on me - and I expect it explains the "drowned pilot"..

It was only S1 that I didn't much care for.

As it happens, I'm a fan of Rupert. Had the annuals as a small child, then spent too long growing up before I realised my
mistake in putting aside childish things. I am the "nut" in "Nutwood".
But your poem is safe because the vast majority will not make that association.

If you want revenge I can reveal that my next burnt offering contains "mermaids"

Geof

[Denis Joe]

I like this Marc. I like the 'lost insiders', it makes you stop and reconsider the poem. I think that the only problem is the first line. 'Walking a broken beach' seems to make more sense to me. the 'I' doesn't go into the narrative as a whole.