Chanson de Matin

[Denis Joe]

Hold easy that first thought:
Awakening is like entering another country.
Armed for war.
throwing back that which fills up the lands
and exposing one’s self to alien forces;
strange only because you have yet to learn the language.

Should a searchlight seek you out on the border
of awakening, through the slats,
cry out, you innocent, and ensure them of your love.
And should the sirens wail or coo or sing;
imagine a concerto and smile as you do
when listening to Elgar.

Sing:

If it were only morning that I wake to
If it were only morning that I wake
And wish that I had some god
To thank for this morning I wake

Revision 1

Hold easy that first thought:
Awakening is like entering another country.

Should a searchlight seek you out, on the border
of recovery, through the slats,
cry out, you innocent, and ensure them of your love.
And should the sirens wail or coo or sing;
imagine a concerto and smile as you do
when listening to Elgar.

Sing:

If it were only morning that I wake to
If it were only morning that I wake
And wish that I had some god
To thank for this morning I wake



Maybe. . .

Hold easy that first thought:
Awakening is like entering another country.

Should a searchlight seek you out, on the border
of recovery, through the slats,

cry out, you innocent, and ensure them of your love.
And should the sirens wail or coo or sing;

imagine a concerto and smile as you do
when listening to Elgar.

Sing:

If it were only morning that I wake to
If it were only morning that I wake
And wish that I had some god
To thank for this morning I wake

[Marc]

Enjoyed this but feel you could lose the 'and' at the beginning of the 4th sentence and also the parentheis are unnecessary in th 2nd stanza.
First two lines are great though (think I know the feeling all too well this Sunday morning!)
Marc

[Denis Joe]

Cheers Marc,
that fourth line needed to loose something and as for the brackets: well it made sense at the time. Now that you mention it, i can't recall why I did it. Anyhow I think your suggestions improves it.

[twoleftfeet]

Hi DJ,

I really like S2, especially
And should the sirens wail or coo or sing;

I would be tempted to let it stand alone.

btw I can't make the words scan the tune..

If it were down to me I would blast you out of bed with Pomp & Circumstance March #1

Geof

[brianedwards]

I like the first two lines very much. In fact, I'd be tempted to cut all but those lines from the first stanza. the repeat of "the awakening" is a little clumsy, to my ear, and probably unnecessary? Similarly "through the slats" . . .

That said, I like your poem considerably more than I like Elgar.

B.

[Denis Joe]

I like the first two lines very much. In fact, I'd be tempted to cut all but those lines from the first stanza. the repeat of "the awakening" is a little clumsy, to my ear, and probably unnecessary? Similarly "through the slats" . . .

Hmmm!

The slats is a difficult one. I recall going through quite a few ideas, but none fitted the imase. I like it because it does create a harshness within a calm.

Well that's what I think.

I've read this out quite a few times. The first stanza looks good with just the two lines. I wonder how it will sound.

[Arian]

I agree with brian about the strength of the first two lines (rev 1) - rhythmically assertive and loaded with narrative promise.

Not sure the rest of it really delivers, though. You maintain the rhythm smoothly enough, but - for me - the resolution to the opening couplet is a little confused, even gnomic. I like the intent of the final refrain, but separating it didn't work for me. I think you could integrate into the body of the poem without losing anything.

Still, there's no doubt it has a good sonic feel, and makes a pleasant read.

Cheers
peter

[calico]

Hmmm, first time I read this I was confused somehow - by the tone I think. The sound and rhythm are lovely but I wasn't sure about the weight of it, felt heavy and ponderous,.. hymn-like.
I enjoy the revisions more, and I think I like the 3rd revision with the couplets - it gives it some space which it benefits from. I wanted it to go:

imagine a concerto and smile as you do
when listening to Elgar, sing:


and I wanted the verse to read:

If it were only morning that I wake to
If it were only morning that I wake
And wish that I had some god
If it were only morning that I wake

Sorry to be so demanding. The verse at the end, what is that?
Do you know the awful (in a good way) Curlew song of Yeats,

No boughs have withered because of the wintry wind,
The boughs have withered because I have told them my dreams.

Repeated 3 times in the poem. I think that's why I was looking for a repeat of the refrain in yours at the end.