Phased Out

[ray miller]

The Care Pathway for the Dying Phase
is what you are on and where you are at.
I've read so in your case notes
while your daughter attempted
to colour in the silence
with progress of the garden
and accomplishments of children.
An undulating path, I shouldn't wonder;
these levers and buttons
controlling your bed
will no doubt help you to adjust.
All that's lacking is a reverse.

A phase, do they imagine?
That's a phrase to give some pause:
like cutting teeth and teens;
air shelters and rationing;
seamed stockings, swing and Sinatra;
breast feeding and breast cancer.
A fond glance back, the tips
of your ears blushing and your lips
creasing an apologetic smile
as you struggle to retain your teeth.

What need of teeth!
A swallowing reflex now defunct
as your speech and vision.
Only hearing remains,
and the relentless dripping
of metal and plastic,
a thousand unanswered phones
are the music you die to.

You're reduced to squeezing hands,
slight inclinations or shakes
in acknowledgement of pain.
Still, you can hear the nurses' presence
to administer Paracetamol per rectum.
The hiss of uniforms
and the swish of curtains;
the brief discussion as to whether
to do "this one" or "that one" first;
you or your fellow-traveller
in the adjacent bed.

I turn away and read the poster
describing how best to wash one's hands,
the mission statement promises
which conclude by exhorting
us all to work together
for a cleaner, better future.

[twoleftfeet]

Poignant stuff, Ray.
Another warts-and-all poem, pulling no punches.

The only suggestion I can make is wrt:
Only hearing remains,
and the relentless dripping
of metal and plastic,
a thousand unanswered phones
are the music you die to.

First-off, I linked "metal and plastic" with "remains" as opposed to "music".

Perhaps:
Only hearing remains:
a thousand unanswered phones
and the relentless dripping
of metal and plastic
are the music you die to.

EDIT: Please ignore the above - I need new glasses! (See next post)


Also I might be tempted to use "you're dying to"

Plaudits
Geo

[Denis Joe]

Ray,

This is excellent. Some might see it as gloomy i think it's a celebration of how anything can be made beautiful.

I've read it over and over. I can't agree with Geoff. I think the phone image is a master-stroke. There is a sort of pounding with each image, reinforcing the music of the piece.

Maybe I'll find something to question; but not today!

[twoleftfeet]

Ray,
I meant to say that the "traveller" metaphor is inspired.

Ray,

This is excellent. Some might see it as gloomy i think it's a celebration of how anything can be made beautiful.

I've read it over and over. I can't agree with Geoff. I think the phone image is a master-stroke. There is a sort of pounding with each image, reinforcing the music of the piece.

Maybe I'll find something to question; but not today!

Denis,
I disagree with me too

I also love the phone image : up until a few days ago I've been a regular visitor to a hospital over the last few months
and so it resonates strongly with me, as does the noise of the machines beeping etc.

Unsurprisingly, I found the poem very moving and I know people (not me, of course) who could be moved to tears by it.

I can't believe that every time I've read this I've mentally inserted an extra "and"!

Only hearing remains,
and the relentless dripping
of metal and plastic,
and a thousand unanswered phones
are the music you die to.

Geoff

[Suzanne]

Hi Ray,
This is like coming upon an accident and wishing you didn't see everything you just saw.
I read this last night and found it very uncomfortable. The title is perfectly chosen and awful.

You have captured the feelings and "props" of the situation so clearly that it causes a physical reaction.

The ending is something I experienced last month at hospital with my mother-in-law. From the beginning to end I found I wanted to escape the room.
At work this morning the images went through my mind and I wondered how to tell you how awful I thought it was, it is such a compliment to you.

This is definitely one of your most powerful pieces. Well done, Ray. If I had to have a suggestion, I would say shorted in slightly but I am not sure where you would do it. The teeth section is honest and real but i wouldn't have missed it if it was gone.

Marvelously awful. Splendidly written.

Warmly,
Suzanne

[Suzanne]

I take it back about the teeth bit. I read it again and changed my mind. Sorry I said it even.
There you go. Nice poem.
Suzanne

[ray miller]

Geo. Thanks. I hope this is the last of my death poems for a while.Not too keen on the ending myself, bit of a whimper not a bang.

Denis Joe. Thanks.Very kind of you.The Care Pathway for the Dying Phase is a Liverpool invention, I'm sure you'll be pleased to hear.

Suzanne.Thank you very much. Uncomfortable to write as well as read, but cathartic, I suppose.

[clarabow]

I think you have captured so blackly the business of death againt the everyday routines and incidentals of life, summed up in the final lines. Hard to achieve and realise although I would have liked more of an indication as to the relationship between the narrator and the dying? I think the ending is perfect for this poem?! Could there be more emotion to make the reader relate to the woman, perhaps, but my sense is you wanted to capture the awful routine of dying in a world that sees it all the time and has grown immune to the loss of a loved one.

[ray miller]

Clarabow. Thanks.I'm mindful of the ease with which writing on this subject can slip into sentimentality and worse.You've made me wonder what I am trying to capture now. Death's awfulness and our inadequacy, I suppose. How all the fancy systems we build to hide behind are so very flimsy.All done before under other names.