Queuing For The Soup Kitchen

[Denis Joe]

There are shapes that glide along the streets of Tuebrook
looking for a past they once were part of,
finding occasional change in telephone kiosks
though never enough to dial home.

They greet the new day as their tormenter
with pleading gestures; showing nothing in their pocket
but the dust of yesterday and a promissory note
from a friend who never survived.

They float shadowed in the doorway
of the new YMCA in Green Lane,
sharing their pain in body-popping
communion; wasting time, as life itself.

Passing around the bottle of white cider
as if a chalice.
Passing around the cigarette
as if it was the body of Christ.

They share stories in methadone drone
making inventories of each hour.
They spit out the words that are too sour
on the lips of others, who have never heard lives like theirs.

They haunt West Derby Road,
goading each other onto passers-by
who’ll feign deafness and urgent mobile calls
rather than meet the eye of one they cannot pity.

Flaked flesh, like a John Kay portrait,
fastens to veins and sinew
for decency sake. And once handsome faces
melt in the heat of living.

These somnambulists walking streets,
passing through people, stood in access,
craving a sleep that promises forgiveness
of victimhood and villainy.

Nobody will write elegies
for these boys who have died a little,
each day, outside Lloyd’s pharmacies,
because their desperation is all pleaded out.

Their obituary may be written on
the memory of someone who got close,
though not close enough that they did not survive.

[twoleftfeet]

I really like this, Denis, especially S1 and S2 which hook the reader strongly.

No nits of any real note.

In S5 I think
they spit out the words that are too sour
on the lips of others, who have never heard lives like theirs.
- is a tad unwieldy to my ear.

"Once handsome" possibly could do with a hyphen.

In the final stanza you use "survive" for the second time, and "their/they" confused me to begin with.
At the risk of offending one gender or the other I would be tempted to go for the singular i.e.
Their obituary may be written on
the memory of someone who got close,
though not close enough that he did not survive.

Powerful without any sentimentality.
Geoff

[brianedwards]

I disagree with Geoff I'm afraid. I find this overly-sentimental in places Denis, particularly those "once handsome faces" and the penultimate stanza.
It's mostly well written and done with obvious compassion, but there is nothing especially original or striking in any of the descriptions.
Except of course S4, which is extraordinary. Not sure why it's in italics but it is an incredible riff, worthy of a (dare I say it) better poem (eek! I can hear Peter's footsteps punding across cyber space . . .)
Seriously, I suggest you cut this right down and build something around that exceptional stanza.

B.

[twoleftfeet]

I disagree with Geoff I'm afraid. I find this overly-sentimental in places Denis, particularly those "once handsome faces" and the penultimate stanza.
It's mostly well written and done with obvious compassion, but there is nothing especially original or striking in any of the descriptions.
Except of course S4, which is extraordinary. Not sure why it's in italics but it is an incredible riff, worthy of a (dare I say it) better poem (eek! I can hear Peter's footsteps punding across cyber space . . .)
Seriously, I suggest you cut this right down and build something around that exceptional stanza.

B.

Hi Brian,
I thought S4 to be a terrific image, but different In tone to the rest of the poem.
I never mentioned it because, for all I know, DenIs may be a deeply religious person, but I will say that IMHO it is a
projection onto a scene that I doubt the participants would agree with. OTOH of course it ties in nicely with the
stanza about forgiveness.
FWIW I think the conundrum of the last stanza is what the poem is all about. Opinions, eh?

[clarabow]

I think I am somewhere inbetween the views of TLF and Brian. Some parts are better than others and I want to feel sympathy with the sentiments in the poem and parts I did, parts I didn't.

Maybe you could get the message across stronger with fewer stanzas or take the best of a stanza and work into the next best? Regardless what does come across is the truth in what you write on these lost souls (sadly); anyway ignore or impose anything that might help or work. I am suggesting culling quite a bit as I think it is over told?

There are shapes (that glide along the streets of Tuebrook)
looking for a past they once KNEW (were part of,)
(finding occasional change in telephone kiosks
though never enough to dial home.)

They greet the new day as their tormenter.
with (pleading gestures; showing) nothing in their pocket
but the dust of yesterday (and a promissory note
from a friend who never survived.)

They (float) form shadows (ed) in (the) doorways
(of the new YMCA in Green Lane,)
sharing their pain in body-popping
communion; wasting time, as life itself.

Passing around the bottle of white cider
as if a chalice.
Passing around the cigarette
as if it was the body of Christ.

They share stories in methadone drone
making inventories of each hour.
They spit out (the) words that are too sour
(on the lips of others, who have never heard lives like theirs.)

They haunt West Derby Road,
goading each other onto passers-by
who’ll feign deafness and urgent mobile calls
rather than meet the eye of oneS they cannot pity.

Flaked flesh, like a John Kay portrait,
fastens to veins and sinew
for decency sake. And once (handsome) boyish faces - handsome?
melt in the heat of living.

These somnambulists (walking streets,)
passing through people, (stood in access,)
craving (a) sleep that promises forgiveness
(of victimhood and villainy.)

Nobody will write elegies
for these boys who have died a little,
(each day,) outside Lloyd’s pharmacies,
(because their desperation is all pleaded out.)

Their obituary may be written on
the memory of someone who got close,
though not close enough that they did not survive. = this line is not quite right and could be stronger?

[Denis Joe]

Hmm. Much to think about on this. This poem is my most popular and I think that Brian is right. There is a lot of sentimentalism in it.

I don't like it all that much. It's a few years old but I thought that there was something more I could do with it.

I'm not religious but I love using religious imagery; thus that stanza.

I couldn't do as Clara suggests because it would just be a different poem.

I think the thing about this is that it is a 'performance' piece and one that I will perform less and less of.

Thanks all for your imput i think that it is a poem that can be used for spare parts in the future.

[David]

It's interesting that you say it works well as a performance piece, Denis, as reading it I felt it came across as more of a passionate - and powerful - speech than a poem. It says all the right things but it just strikes me - perhaps wrongly - that what you haven't done is submit it to the pruning that would make it a great poem.

But it's still a great read.

Cheers

David