new sister

[calico]

Like those that stand close to their mother,
with brown coats, matching hair-
bands, same sounding names.
When I woke up it was late this morning
cold in my room
my breath made clouds

Under the tangle of sun and clouds
I called to my mother,
asleep in her room
next to the baby with fluffy blonde hair,
it’s school, Mum, it’s morning.
I’m thinking of names

I was thinking of names
like clock, clare, cloud, -
when I got up like yesterday morning,
when Kate’s mother
came and said go do your hair,
I went to Mum’s room

past the cot in Mum's room
found shoes with my name
and a band for my hair.
The baby lies like an angel on clouds
on top of my mother
all through the morning

It's 9.15 on a Monday morning
and inside the class rooms
they’re leaving the mothers,
finding the names,
same length string on the sun and cloud,
those two girls with same length hair

Who plaited their hair
for a long time this morning
untangled strings of sun and clouds?
They sit in their class rooms,
tick off their names,
legs crossed on chairs just like their mother

my new sister has hair like a cloud
my mother couldn’t get up this morning
I'm in the class room, shouting my name.

[ray miller]

It has a lot of charm but I found the repetition irritating a few times.
hair-
bands
is irritating too.
I liked the last 3 lines very much, they sounded more natural somehow.
The baby lies like an angel on clouds - that's lovely also.
I didn't think the penultimate verse added much.

[David]

I actually like this a lot, mainly because (I think) you've chosen such simple recurring words, as a result of which the poem doesn't appear to be as self-consciously pleased with itself as these things usually do. And, of course, they're very suitable for the narrative voice.

Ray's right about "hair- / bands", though. It is very annoying.

Cheers

David

[Nino]

Hello Calico

I like the idea behind this poem, it can become quite powerful, but language is way too simple, too much description and repetition. Your verbs are weak and images are not original. Take the baby laying on mother lika an angel on the cloud, this is not only a weak image, it is also confusing. You use cloud throughout the poem and the meanings of those clouds contradict each other. Cloud in the sky, cloud made by breathing, cloud with an angel, cloudlike hair they all have a different meanings.
Who is Kate's mom? Why is it important to have her there? I thought it was N's mom, but since she gives all het attention to a new baby, N sees her as baby's mom only. This is also little bit confusing as Kate was not mentioned before and directly afterwards N goes to Mum's room and finds her things there. What does finding hairband in Mom's room represent? I have a feeling it has a deep meaning, may be.it is a nostalgia for how mom used to do N's hair - of childhood, being looked after, or represents that N has to grow up quick, it is not entirely clear because of luck of execution.
Does children having same haircuts and matching names has anything to do with this poem? For me not. You jump from image to image, for me this should be about a relationship between mother and a daughter and those images are throwing me out of your poem.
Lastly I think the last three lines are where your poem is, they are the strongest lines. Even inability to build up to those last lines does not take their strength away. Your voice is strong there, you know what you are doing, when before I feel you confused.
Last three lines also hint on post natal depression, but I am not sure if you meant it that way, if so it makes it more interesting then "mommy loves my sister more" poem.
Sit down go line by line and read it as someone else who has no idea what is going on in your head and you will understand what can be confusing.
Also try to concentrate more about images, for example: you did not need to state that N was cold, she made clouds when breathing , you have already painted an image in my head which makes me feel more cold then saying it.
I did enjoy reading your piece as it has a great potential, take some time away from it, let it all cool down and you will see better what to do.
Thank you for sharing.
Nino

[calico]

Ha Har, well, thanks everbody - I think everyone should attempt a sestina at least once to truly appreciate the joys of free verse, what a nightmare, honestly. Having tried one makes me appreciate Mic's Spiny Urchins and Starfish one even more....

[Mic]

Meg -

I've meaning to come back to comment on this. I liked it a lot. And do you know what? I didn't spot the line-end word repetitions, i.e. that it was a sestina (and I should know!). That is a good thing. And that last line is terrific - it has stayed with me over the last couple of days.

Mic

[brianedwards]

I'll be back to comment too Megan, but just wanted to say it's good to see you attempting the form.

B.

[calico]

It was an experiment, and I wondered if the way children repeat words would work with the form.
I think Mic's sestina worked almost against the form - with those difficult end words and sprawling imagery, it felt like something bursting out of its constraints.
And something like Elizabeth Bishop's Sestina builds up a hypnotic intensity with the repetition of symbolic words.
But mine - like Nino says it might not work as a poem - like the use of Cloud as an end word stood out. Whereas the more simple ones are more appropriate for the kid voice. How can I change hair/bands though? Just to hair maybe. But the kid would definitely notice hairbands more than hair.
Thankyou for your thoughts.

[Nino]

Calico

Please don't get discouraged, I am offering my thoughts as one of the.readers. There are more experienced critters here who can give you better feedback. I do think it's important for the writer how public reads his work, so I as a member of public offered youy opinion. No one says I am right and no one knows this piece better then you, so you can decide what to take on board.
Nino

[delph_ambi]

Works so well as a sestina, I didn't even notice it was one -- and that despite the fact that I write these often(ish) myself.

I found the last stanza very dark. In fact the progression of the entire poem seems to me to go from sugary sweetness to something far more sinister. Is it just me, or was that deliberate?

[brianedwards]

Clouds is a tough one with the repetition, yes. Perhaps try mixing up its grammar, find ways of using it as a verb? Likewise "name"?
Regards hair-band, how about

matching hair
colours and bands, same sounding names

Your punctuation needs a close look at too I think, but overall I agree there is a definite charm. Good work.

B.