Ocean of Burnt Forgetting

[CSThompson]

The Greeks called you the wine-dark ocean,
But I would prefer you in amber
Like a sea of bourbon. The sharks that
Swam through your quiet trenches would know
The interplay of light and shade
In a honey-colored nothingness,
And a burnt charcoal aftertaste like
The ghost of memory- something to
Be savored and then to fade, something
To disappear in the deep waters
Of excess; to be unremembered.

[clarabow]

You lulled me in with the first part and I found myself drawn to this ocean of burnt forgetting. The last few lines though were not as satisfying -
even though I felt back in the lull with 'to be unremembered'. Perhaps it lacks the imagery of the first part? Not sure.


The ghost of memory- something to
Be savored and then to fade, something
To disappear in the deep waters
Of excess; to be unremembered.

[Bloggsworth]

I feel that it is trying too hard to be a good poem, a touch of over-egging the pudding. I feel I need a sat-nav to guide me through as it lacks clarity of vision, but then, I can be a bit thick at times, so it may well be me.

I would get rid of the "like" in the third line:

The Greeks called you the wine-dark ocean,
But I would prefer you in amber,
a sea of bourbon. The sharks that...

[CSThompson]

Maker's Mark- at least that's what it tastes like to me.

[ray miller]

I loathe the stuff but I like the poem, except perhaps "quiet trenches" though maybe I'm missing summat there.The end is very good, I think

The ghost of memory- something to
Be savored and then to fade, something
To disappear in the deep waters
Of excess; to be unremembered.

Not that keen on the title.

[CSThompson]

'Quiet trenches" as in the deep ocean trenches- drinking too much bourbon has an effect similar to diving into the deepest parts of the ocean with no guarantee you'll make it back. Not that I make a habit of it...

[David]

"Ocean of burnt forgetting" is such a beautiful description of the feeling of losing yourself in a nice smooth drink. The yous at the start confused me, though - surely (forgive me if this seems obvious) it was the ocean that the Greeks called the wine-dark ocean (sea, really, I think), whereas you (CST) don't seem to be addressing the sea at all.

So, as Bloggsworth says, a little disorienting at times, but a nice smooth read.

Cheers

David

[CSThompson]

I am addressing the sea as it should have been, not as it is...

[brianedwards]

This starts out well but I really choke on the last 4 lines. Cutting at aftertaste gives you a much stronger (albeit very different) poem in my opinion.
Great title.

B.