v2
The World’s Gone Out.
It stole my moleskin trilby
grabbed a beige Mack
by the door
and scooted.
Leaving my dwelling
on the good times
of fourteen across,
pencilled in
and near completion.
I sketched missing links on paper
got out of my brain
slid to the floor
and wandered about,
seeing things as they were
prodding past experiences
into life, and quizzing them
from my new freer perspective.
The world raced on,
and no one to stop me
I chased after it
sneaked through a window
and gazing back blurred
through a congealing mist
that crossed my essence,
as I ran moonward
Dancing unhindered, empty as air
I smiled at the nothing
I’d become.
Joking and talking to people
who couldn’t see me,
I bumped into
another nobody
we hugged
the world stood still
and doffed my hat.
.................
The world’s gone out.
It stole my moleskin trilby
grabbed a beige Mack
by the door
and scooted.
Leaving my dwelling
on the good times
of fourteen across,
being pencilled in
and nearing completion.
I Sketched missing links on wallpaper
and got out of my brain
slid to the floor
and wandered about,
seeing things as they were
prodding past experiences
into life, and quizzing them
from my new freer perspective.
No one to stop me
I sneaked through a window
and gazed back blurred
into a heavy congealing mist
that crossed my essence,
as I ran moonward
Dancing unhindered, empty as air
I smiled at the nothing
I had become.
Joking and talking to people
who couldn’t see me,
then I bumped into
another nobody
we hugged
the world stood still
and doffed my hat.
The World's Gone Out (EDIT)
Hi, this moves along at quite a pace. I just have a few suggestions to impose or ignore or (delete) or provoke another thought. Not sure about the last line - rather nice but was expecting something stronger. CB
The world’s gone out.
It stole my moleskin trilby,
grabbed a beige Mack
by the door, and scooted
leaving mE dwelling
on the good times
of fourteen across,
(being) pencilled in
and near(ing) completion.
I sketched missing links on (wall) paper,
(and) got out of my brain,
slid to the floor
and wandered about;
sAW things as they were
prodding past experiences
into life, and quizzed (ing) them
from my new, freer, perspective.
No one to stop me.
I sneaked through a window
and gazed back blurred
BY a heavy congealing mist
that crossed my essence
as I ran moonward
AND danced unhindered, empty as air,
(I) smiled at the nothing -
I had become.
Joking and talking to people
who couldn’t see me,
(then I) bumped into
another nobody
we hugged
the world stood still
and doffed my hat.
The world’s gone out.
It stole my moleskin trilby,
grabbed a beige Mack
by the door, and scooted
leaving mE dwelling
on the good times
of fourteen across,
(being) pencilled in
and near(ing) completion.
I sketched missing links on (wall) paper,
(and) got out of my brain,
slid to the floor
and wandered about;
sAW things as they were
prodding past experiences
into life, and quizzed (ing) them
from my new, freer, perspective.
No one to stop me.
I sneaked through a window
and gazed back blurred
BY a heavy congealing mist
that crossed my essence
as I ran moonward
AND danced unhindered, empty as air,
(I) smiled at the nothing -
I had become.
Joking and talking to people
who couldn’t see me,
(then I) bumped into
another nobody
we hugged
the world stood still
and doffed my hat.
-
ray miller
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 7482
- Joined: Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:23 am
Nice rhythm. Clarabow's made a lot of good suggestions. I'd prefer memories to past experiences. "as I ran moonward and danced unhindered" is pretty good.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
The World’s Gone Out (EDIT) thanks all
The world’s gone out.
It stole my moleskin trilby
grabbed a beige Mack
by the door
and scooted.
Leaving my dwelling
on the good times
of fourteen across,
pencilled in
and near completion.
I sketched missing links on wallpaper
got out of my brain
slid to the floor
and wandered about,
seeing things as they were
prodding past experiences
into life, and quizzing them
from my new freer perspective.
No one to stop me
I sneaked through a window
and gazed back blurred
through a heavy congealing mist
that crossed my essence,
as I ran moonward
Dancing unhindered, empty as air
I smiled at the nothing
I’d become.
Joking and talking to people
who couldn’t see me,
I bumped into
another nobody
we hugged
the world stood still
and doffed my hat.
The world’s gone out.
It stole my moleskin trilby
grabbed a beige Mack
by the door
and scooted.
Leaving my dwelling
on the good times
of fourteen across,
pencilled in
and near completion.
I sketched missing links on wallpaper
got out of my brain
slid to the floor
and wandered about,
seeing things as they were
prodding past experiences
into life, and quizzing them
from my new freer perspective.
No one to stop me
I sneaked through a window
and gazed back blurred
through a heavy congealing mist
that crossed my essence,
as I ran moonward
Dancing unhindered, empty as air
I smiled at the nothing
I’d become.
Joking and talking to people
who couldn’t see me,
I bumped into
another nobody
we hugged
the world stood still
and doffed my hat.