A Friendship Deferred

[R P Jackson]

Tidy me away
beneath the spare room bed,
in with sheets and teddy bears,
half-remembered,
in a draw that forgets
how to open.
Or, if there’s space,
pack me up
in cardboard boxes
and lift me to the loft,
to wait with angel
and tinsel
for winter light (so soft).
Or, perhaps
hand me down
like school jumpers
to where I may stay worn,
A penumbra of new cloth
forgetting it’s been torn.

But please,

don’t give me to the do-gooders
(they’ll do no good with me)
Keep me from the dustbin men
and garden fires
-I couldn’t bear to burn-
And in return
I’ll keep quiet while you play
grownups.

But years from here,
when the end is near,
we two shall meet again.
You’ll take me from my resting place
and we’ll sit by the fire
in slippers
comparing what was and is
like old friends.
And you’ll see how my
hibernated shine
will keep you company
in the final storm
of life’s harsh weather,

for I am the child within you
and we shall die together.

[Ros]

I'd have to say that after the subtlety of Phototropism I found this rather a disappointment. I don't think the random end-rhymes are doing you any favours and I think you need to think about metaphor and simile and use of language - much of this just seems like rather sentimental prose chopped up. Sorry!

Ros

[David]

I quite like the gentle - if fitful, unless I'm mistaken - rhyming. In fact I quite like the whole thing, although I take Ros's point about the sentimentality. It's essentially the plot of Toy Story 3, isn't it?

Nothing wrong with Toy Story 3.

And I like "hibernated shine".

Cheers

David

[R P Jackson]

Ros - No - I see what you mean. I wrote it to a firm structure first time round - abcb, but some of the rhymes felt forced, so I kept the ones that seemed natural and re-wrote the rest. I don't agree that it's 'sentimental prose', but am sympathetic to your dislike! No need to apologize!

David - Toy Story 3 was very much in mind, yes! Thanks for the feedback.

R

[David]

Pedants' corner (from which I very rarely stray): drawer, not draw?

[JohnLott]

Hello RP

Not replying in any context other than it is probably the second poem, regardless of technical, poetical or whatever, that I have been able to read (slowly), with some interest, from beginning to end; with only a doubt in what way light is "so soft" unless you are referring christmas tree light.

(does this mean you have made the mistake of relating to joe soap public?)

That must give you, from me, at least a silver star.



J.

[R P Jackson]

Bugger! I also rarely stray from pedant's corner (shouldn't that be pedants'), but yes - top-drawer pedantry, my friend.

[R P Jackson]

John - (Yes)

[BenJohnson]

I think the tone of this, at times it seems almost prayer like

But please,

don’t give me to the do-gooders
(they’ll do no good with me)
Keep me from the dustbin men
and garden fires
-I couldn’t bear to burn-

which considering the subject gives it an interesting twist.

I like the section here as well

half-remembered,
in a draw that forgets
how to open.
Or, if there’s space,
pack me up
in cardboard boxes
and lift me to the loft,

I find that some parts are much better than others, but I wouldn't label it prose. I think it could do with a chop to tighten it up, but it has something I find appealing about it.

[clarabow]

I have never seen Toy Story so I had to simply accept as is without the reference. I thought the voice was a child's; a sort of - the moment the little girl finds ET in the cupboard. But then - but years from here - it started to lose interest for me as it became slightly cliche and worn. I do think though this has lots of potential if you can carry the child's voice throughout and work on that last part. Some nice stuff before then, - in a draw that forgets how to open - is really good. I like the random rhyme and the lullaby effect of the first part. Not sure about the use of pernumbra but great word. I think as an end line- I am the child within - would be fitting.

Tidy me away
beneath the spare room bed,
in with sheets and teddy bears,
half-remembered,
in a draw that forgets
how to open.
Or, if there’s space,
pack me up
in cardboard boxes
and lift me to the loft,
to wait with angel
and tinsel
for winter light (so soft).
Or, perhaps
hand me down
like school jumpers
to where I may stay worn,
A penumbra of new cloth
forgetting it’s been torn.

But please,

don’t give me to the do-gooders
(they’ll do no good with me)
Keep me from the dustbin men
and garden fires
-I couldn’t bear to burn-
And in return
I’ll keep quiet while you play
grownups.

But years from here,
when the end is near,
we two shall meet again.
You’ll take me from my resting place
and we’ll sit by the fire
in slippers
comparing what was and is
like old friends.
And you’ll see how my
hibernated shine
will keep you company
in the final storm
of life’s harsh weather,

for I am the child within you
and we shall die together.

[Suzanne]

Hi.

I really liked the first stanza and when it continued, I was a bit diappointed. I think that the idea held within the first bit is enough, the rest feels forced to run down the track.

So, I will come back and comment again after giving the whole the proper attention. I really liked the first part as stand alone. Did I say that already? lol. But I will be back.

Suzanne

[TDF]

hi RP,

I'm similar in feeling to Suzanne in that I felt it trailed off for me. That said, I do like the premise and the write for the most part. I think perhaps there is just too much here. You have some lovely phrases and such, but they just seem slightly diluted by the whole. I don't think S1 benefits from the 3rd jumper analogy, the previous two said it well, and said it better imho. S2 is great, it's more punchy and has a nice bit of humour too. S3 is the weakest for me, just seems a bit twee and cliche by comparison to the rest. I'm almost inclined to say the poem doesn't need it, although some final round-up couplet might be nice.

Enjoyed the read.

Cheers,
Tom

[Arian]

I don't think the random end-rhymes are doing you any favours and I think you need to think about metaphor and simile and use of language - much of this just seems like rather sentimental prose chopped up.

I both agree and disagree with Ros.

On the one hand, I like the idea, and I'm a bit of a fan of unstructured rhyme which I think can make a piece flow well. As it does here. On the other hand, compared with (to? Come on you pedants, which should it be?) the driving prosody and sharp expression of Phototropism, there does seem to be a certain flabbiness about this piece, a sort of sentimentalism of tone that flirts, to my ear, rather cumsily with cliche. This, given the poem's theme, could be intentionally ironic, but I don't think it is. Or, if it is, it hasn't worked. It comes across as a teensy bit naif.

Still, a lot to admire here, in my view.

Cheers
peter

[oggiesnr]

I'm another who likes Stanza 1 but not the rest. I wondered if the addition of "Please" to the first line would allow it to keep it's prayer like quality and dispense with the rest?

The subject is an interesting one but in reality is it us who recconect with old toys (or books or photos) or is it our children dig them out and give them a new lease of life or even our heirs who are faced with the boxes of stuff we didn't give away or consider during the rest of our lives?

Steve