A Friendship Deferred [Redraft]

[R P Jackson]

Tidy me away
beneath the spare room bed,
in with toys and teddy bears
in a drawer that forgets
how to open.

Or, if there’s space,
pack me up
in cardboard boxes
and lift me to the loft,
to wait with angel
and tinsel
for winter light (so soft).


But I pray,
don’t give me to the do-gooders
(they’ll do no good with me)
Keep me from the dustbin men
and garden fires
(I couldn't bear to burn)
And in return
I’ll keep quiet while you play
grownups.

And when you’re done
rolling in paper,
when your posh shoes
are slippers once more,
seek me from my hiding place
and in my hibernated shine
we'll wait for the final bell
of life’s long lesson,
which, once rung,
will see our beings tether,
and you and the child within you
will walk on home together.

_____________________________________________
Original--

Tidy me away
beneath the spare room bed,
in with sheets and teddy bears,
half-remembered,
in a draw that forgets
how to open.
Or, if there’s space,
pack me up
in cardboard boxes
and lift me to the loft,
to wait with angel
and tinsel
for winter light (so soft).
Or, perhaps
hand me down
like school jumpers
to where I may stay worn,
A penumbra of new cloth
forgetting it’s been torn.

But please,

don’t give me to the do-gooders
(they’ll do no good with me)
Keep me from the dustbin men
and garden fires
-I couldn’t bear to burn-
And in return
I’ll keep quiet while you play
grownups.

But years from here,
when the end is near,
we two shall meet again.
You’ll take me from my resting place
and we’ll sit by the fire
in slippers
comparing what was and is
like old friends.
And you’ll see how my
hibernated shine
will keep you company
in the final storm
of life’s harsh weather,

for I am the child within you
and we shall die together.

[JohnLott]

Hello RP



tighter
cleaner

Your words:

will see our beings tether,
and you and the child within you
will walk on home together.

'tether' don't seem right.... and....others will disagree but....

My suggestion:

"Will see us walk together,
and you and the child within
will walk on home forever."



J.

[TDF]

I like the improvements, more punchy for sure.

I do think S4 still rambles off in the second half though.

"when your posh shoes
are slippers once more,
seek me from my hiding place"

I love these 3 lines, and think the poem could end with one more line after that, rather than 7.

What that last line should be I'm not sure, but something along your existing line of life cycles would work for me.

Cheers,
Tom

[David]

to wait with angel
and tinsel
for winter light (so soft).

I love the lilt of that.

Oddly enough, the lines Tom likes:

when your posh shoes
are slippers once more,
seek me from my hiding place

I'm not that keen on.

This is growing on me more and more, though.

Cheers

David

[Arian]

The new version?

I refer the House to the answer I gave a moment ago. On the other thread, that is.

Personally, I think the pray bit moves it - if anything - even more in the direction of sentimentalism.

Cheers
peter

[David]

See also ... viewtopic.php?f=3&t=15014

[oggiesnr]

I will return to this but my first reaction is that you've lost the strength of the old first stanza and although there are some strong lines in the revised final stanzas (as indicated above) I think that the overall effect is weaker.

Steve