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Steve
Posts: 36
Joined: Sat Jan 28, 2006 8:59 am
Location: Wales UK
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Thu Feb 02, 2006 7:06 pm

I foresaw the will of humankind
And have so little to tell,
A few brief lines of apology
Then a sad, shame-faced farewell

It was written on a bunker wall,
Scratched with sharpened stone:
'I bequeath the death of Gaia
To my heirs;a fallout zone.

To my sisters, an icy wasteland
Scarred by Heaven's breath,
To my brothers, a gaping landfill grave
Scraped by the scythe of Death

Your inheritance is worthless,
Unless I can atone,
Or despite my earthly riches
All I'll leave you is alone'
Leslie
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Joined: Fri Feb 04, 2005 10:16 am
Location: Somerset

Thu Feb 02, 2006 7:33 pm

I like this, but I'm always partial to something a bit structured and trad. It's not an original subject, I guess any thinking poet has tried or wanted to try to write on it, but I appreciate this one.
Would it be better to put a capital W on Will?
'Humankind' seems a bit indefinite and clumsy, could you rejig the line to make it simply Man or something equally positive? Following that thought, the last verse comes to 'unless I ...' which doesn't fit with an all-embracing 'mankind'.
Shall look out for more of you poems. Leslie.
Ray Trivedi

Sat Feb 04, 2006 4:25 pm

The last stanza doesn't work for me. It stutters.
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