First Words

[BenJohnson]

Tonight the farm is learning to speak
its great iron tongue lolling out
a single syllable over and over,
like a baby delighted
with its first word
thom, thom, thom.

I'm not bitter that tonight
shaken and restless
its first words are not for me,
but for another
(perhaps some long forgotten farmer
who first founded this site).

I wish only to soothe its burning tongue,
to pour cooling oil upon its pivot,
restrain its wild excesses
with fresh bandages of binder twine.
I wish only that the wind would rock it,
slowly, slowly, slowly into silence.

Edit: Trying to make Ros look wrong below V

[Ros]

its its its !!!

it's - always and only means it is.

ahem.

Enjoyed this!

Ros

[Nash]

I like this Ben, it reads beautifully, but the meaning is lost on me at the moment. Perhaps I should come back to it afresh tomorrow for another read.

I think you might need some punctuation at the end of L1 though?

Cheers,
Nash.

Psst, Ben....you've got another rogue apostrophe in S3, quick change it before Ros sees.



.

[calico]

Two most beautiful words in the English language: not cellar door for me, no: "binder twine". Aaaah. Binder twine.
Be back tomorrow for more in depth crit!

[camus]

it reads beautifully, but the meaning is lost on me at the moment.

Yes I agree it's a wonderful read, yet slightly confusing.

I read the "great iron tongue" to be the long abandoned gate, in fact "The Farm" seems to be a rather arbitrary addition, yet at the same time necessary. If it wasn't a farm, then an atmosphere would be lost?

I think:

(perhaps some long forgotten farmer
who first founded this site).

Is way too telly?

Otherwise good stuff.

cheers
Kris

[calico]

I aslo read it as the swinging of a gate off its hinges. First and last stanzas are perfect for me, the great iron tongue together with the baby works beautifully -
2nd Stanza "shaken and restless" are pretty plain-spoken compared to what's gone before though thematically you're being consistent - only thing I would suggest here is that you don't need the "first" before "founded". If he founded it he was first, if you see what I mean.
You follow through this metaphor of gate/baby thing without it seeming strained - very good.

[BenJohnson]

Sorry for the upset Ros, especially annoying as I had them all right the first time and for some mad reason while editing went back and added apostrophes

Thanks for the warning Nash I think I got away with it.

Everyone has their own cellar door Calico, but you are right 'cellar door' has nothing on the sound of 'binder twine'. I take the point about 'first founder' I like the sound combination there but 'first' is redundant.

Kris 'way too telly it is', I've been reading a lot of Philip Gross at the moment and I'm playing with the asides that he seems to use frequently. I've not a chance of matching his writing and likely I'm being too heavy handed with the least of his effects.

[Ros]

I wonder if it would work without v2, and removing the only from the first line of v3? Actually, perhaps that would be too brutal. To me, though, bitter seems the wrong word - why would you be expecting the farm to talk to you, in particular? Worth working on, definitely.

Ros

[Suzanne]

Gasp!
Binder twine.


That is nice.
I'll be back later Ben and say more. Binder twine.
Suzanne

[Mic]

While I quite like binder twine, cellar door is in an entirely different league (in my view). Binder twine is nice in that there is a visual and vocal reflection in both words. I'm not keen on the nasal tone/sound though. Cellar door resonates in quite a different way i think, and strikes a more beautiful chord.

Still, binder twine does work!

The poem, I'm afraid I didn't understand what the tongue was until others said the gate. And even then, I'm having difficulty with the image of the tongue, and it being a baby's tongue. I also think 'bitter' is out of kilter with the poem. And the first words, baby thing doesn't work with the 'wild excesses' 'and burning tongue' later.

I really like the 'thom thom thom' sounds and visual.

There is an atmosphere here though, that you evoke, and is good, I think. The poem just feels inconsistent in its diction and its playing out of the metaphor.

Mic

[Sid Latchpoke]

Thoroughly enjoyed this, Ben. I love how you bring out the restlessness of the place and the narrator's desire to quell its stirrings of yore.

[David]

I think the first verse is absolutely wonderful, and the next verse is two thirds good as well. I'd stop at the fourth line of that verse.

I have to agree with Michaela about binder twine. Great concept, and a large part of my childhood too, but just not as mellifluous as cellar door.

[brianedwards]

The first verse is excellent I think Ben, a stand-alone poem for me.

B.

[JohnLott]

1st with 3rd (needs small edit) and no 2nd, work for me.
Good stuff



J.

[Suzanne]

Hi Ben,

I could not find good fit in the farms of my memory. I found the poem rather intriguing anyway.

I can see how it could be a gate but for me, it was a pumping? a thud? a stomping of an iron hammer muffled in hay? The possibilities are endless and yet when you mention the founder of the farm, it implies whatever it is, it has been there a long time.

Maybe a windmill over a well? A waterwheel on a small creek? I am not sure.

I like the repeat of slowly.

As far as binder twine, I am sure that my Midwestern American rural ears hear it differently than many of yours. And binder twine has the sound of nostalgia for me, where cellar door holds no connection.

The poem has some other very nice sounds too.

Suzanne