The tempting sunlight plays
upon the glass, offers you
an affective panacea
to the sad slate-blue
of a just-March day.
It's a lure, nothing
more.A mirage dangling
through the double-glazing,
to catch the thirsty eye
upon its hook,
persuade the wary head
to leave its book
beside the bed
and drag its lazy legs outside
in search of spring.
The front door closes with a bang ,
to warn the sun the trap is sprung,
and as it disappears
in cotton-wool,
the sudden wind swoops down
to whip your ears
and whisk away
from you, poor fool,
the heat so carefully absorbed
from central heating,
toast and tea -
Another mug for the swirling
plastic bags to boast about -
fleeceless,
fleeced in the cold light of day.
fleeced in broad daylight
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twoleftfeet
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- Location: Standing by a short pier, looking for a long run-up
Hi TLF
I like this, just right after having scraped the ice from the car and driving sun dazzled to work.
Particularly liked
A mirage ... to catch the thirsty eye upon its hook,
I'm off to get toast now
Binz
I like this, just right after having scraped the ice from the car and driving sun dazzled to work.
Particularly liked
A mirage ... to catch the thirsty eye upon its hook,
I'm off to get toast now
Binz
If you want to fly, you must first spread your wings.
-
figure eight
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Hey TLF,
What a great start to my day reading this was. I know there's just been a new featured poem but whoever chooses the next one, I hope that they pick this. I'm finding it hard to find fault with it really so sorry about the lack of constructive criticism, I think the closest I can get is that cotton wool clouds is a little clichéd but even that has been handled well and really works.
I love the phase "a just-March day" and the second stanza is an absolute joy to read aloud.
The third stanza is my favorite especially I love the last few lines..
"the heat so carefully absorbed
from central heating,
toast and tea -"
...fantastic after how cold I felt this morning I really felt those lines. Was it intentional to use the word mug just after the line about tea or just coincidence?
Thanks again for posting this. I'd been stuck in a bit of a rut recently with my own attempts at writing something new and had just about given up altogether but this has made me want to have another go and while I can't hope to be as good as this, it has reminded me that even a cold march morning can be made enjoyable though poetry.
Thanks again. Looking forward to more.
Figure 8
What a great start to my day reading this was. I know there's just been a new featured poem but whoever chooses the next one, I hope that they pick this. I'm finding it hard to find fault with it really so sorry about the lack of constructive criticism, I think the closest I can get is that cotton wool clouds is a little clichéd but even that has been handled well and really works.
I love the phase "a just-March day" and the second stanza is an absolute joy to read aloud.
The third stanza is my favorite especially I love the last few lines..
"the heat so carefully absorbed
from central heating,
toast and tea -"
...fantastic after how cold I felt this morning I really felt those lines. Was it intentional to use the word mug just after the line about tea or just coincidence?
Thanks again for posting this. I'd been stuck in a bit of a rut recently with my own attempts at writing something new and had just about given up altogether but this has made me want to have another go and while I can't hope to be as good as this, it has reminded me that even a cold march morning can be made enjoyable though poetry.
Thanks again. Looking forward to more.
Figure 8
Drollery at it's best. Fig.8 and binz have picked out some choice bits. The only thing that I can fault is the 'cotton wool' bit. Could I suggest -
The front door closes with a bang ,
to warn the sun the trap is sprung,
and as it hides in
clouds' collusions
a (the) sudden wind.....
just a thought.
Keep 'em coming.
The front door closes with a bang ,
to warn the sun the trap is sprung,
and as it hides in
clouds' collusions
a (the) sudden wind.....
just a thought.
Keep 'em coming.
Yes, this is good Geoff. Great subject also, I defy anyone not to be able to relate to the rigours of 'gerrinup' and not lyin' stinkin' in bed. Especially on a 'just-March' day.
The 'eye upon its hook' is appealing. Very Camusesque.
Cotton wool clouds Im ok with. As you were. No point letting the avoidance of cliches govern what you want to say.
Affective?.....I think effective fits the panacea reference better.
I think Barrie mentioned that your ' more intimate ' poetry is superior to your satirical stuff. I think I have to agree.
Evocative and atmospheric.
Minstrel
The 'eye upon its hook' is appealing. Very Camusesque.
Cotton wool clouds Im ok with. As you were. No point letting the avoidance of cliches govern what you want to say.
Affective?.....I think effective fits the panacea reference better.
I think Barrie mentioned that your ' more intimate ' poetry is superior to your satirical stuff. I think I have to agree.
Evocative and atmospheric.
Minstrel
-
creational
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- Location: norfolk, united kingdom
Really liked the subtle same line rhyming. Was vey apt for the season and my imagination latched onto and felt this poem almost physically like a phantom limb cooling.
Good stuff.
Good stuff.
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camus
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As one who deplores rising, and rules his life by the seasons, I can relate well to this, it's a sly beast the old Sun.
"to the sad slate-blue
of a just-March day."
Really stood out.
"persuade the wary head
to leave its book
beside the bed"
I was a little unsure of this - although you don't actually state it's morning time, we the readers have presumed so, and with that in mind, it seemed strange to me that you were reading at this time. Maybe it's just me, but I can't focus or speak for at least 20 minutes. A new concept, perhaps I should try it!
a good read.
"to the sad slate-blue
of a just-March day."
Really stood out.
"persuade the wary head
to leave its book
beside the bed"
I was a little unsure of this - although you don't actually state it's morning time, we the readers have presumed so, and with that in mind, it seemed strange to me that you were reading at this time. Maybe it's just me, but I can't focus or speak for at least 20 minutes. A new concept, perhaps I should try it!
a good read.
http://www.closetpoet.co.uk
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twoleftfeet
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 6761
- Joined: Wed Dec 07, 2005 4:02 pm
- Location: Standing by a short pier, looking for a long run-up
Thanks for all the feedback, folks.
I must admit I had/have doubts about "cotton wool clouds" - it
certainly deserves a visit from Dilbert's analogy police.
I was trying to convey the idea of insulation, somehow.......
"persuade the wary head
to leave its book
beside the bed"
- you were right to be suspicious of this, Keith. I originally had "rad"
instead of "bed", but I wasn't sure if this was common parlance.
It was mid-morning and I didn't need to go out, in fact the postman
had just delivered a book.......
"affective panacea
to the sad slate-blue
of a just-March day".
- I was trying to hint at SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder)
Cheers
Geoff
I must admit I had/have doubts about "cotton wool clouds" - it
certainly deserves a visit from Dilbert's analogy police.
I was trying to convey the idea of insulation, somehow.......
"persuade the wary head
to leave its book
beside the bed"
- you were right to be suspicious of this, Keith. I originally had "rad"
instead of "bed", but I wasn't sure if this was common parlance.
It was mid-morning and I didn't need to go out, in fact the postman
had just delivered a book.......
"affective panacea
to the sad slate-blue
of a just-March day".
- I was trying to hint at SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder)
Cheers
Geoff