A matter of circumstance

[Vincent Turner]

We try to muffle the rut
of the rut of the rut

by sinking deep into
the cold end of the bed,

but like whales
we accept the inevitability of air.

When we surface
the room is awash

with the car-shadows
of late night traffic.

Tommy suggests we thump
our chests to up the volume

of our hearts but it hurts
and it's dark and the passing lights

form questionable shapes
on the wall, so we turn to God-

and jointly pray
that when morning comes

Dada's giro will be posted
through the door.

[brianedwards]

Why do Tommy and God deserve capital letters but dada doesn't? Not a criticism, just gets me thinking.

I like the sparseness of this, and the boldness of that opening couplet - won't be to everyone's taste but thumbs up from me.

Not keen on some of your line breaks or the repetition of "passing lights", but we all hear things differently. I'm also a bit confused about the time frame: early morning traffic/when morning comes? Interesting piece though.

B.

[David]

I think it's excellent. The first two lines are practically Beckett. (I think it's Beckett I mean.)

You want inevitability in L6, though. (Just being helpful.)

Cheers

David

[Antcliff]

Hi
I like the line about whales/air.

In fact I like it all. I think use of the flickering images works, even though you turn to it twice. Stanzas 4-5..and then passing lights section later. The appeal to "questionable" shapes hints at something dark which sets overall feeling well.

Like the opening line as well...

Cheers,
Ant.
The two of yours that I have liked the most were this and the fire poem. They were both restrained. IMHO the longer poem of yours on end of relationship might profit from being pushed in the direction of this one..sparer. Just a thought.

[Vincent Turner]

Brian, thanks for the input, have now changed the capital's- they was not intentional. Also have now changed the two "passing lights"- only slightly but hopefully enough.

David

"the first two lines are practically Beckett. (I think it's Beckett I mean.)"

Not entirely sure why this is the case, but that would be down to me not reading much of the work- i will take it as a compliment any how!!!

"You want inevitability in L6, though. (Just being helpful.)- and helpful you were- sometimes words appear as a blur on the page, but as music in my head, so i will take all the help I can get".

Hi Ant

"The two of yours that I have liked the most were this and the fire poem. They were both restrained. IMHO the longer poem of yours on end of relationship might profit from being pushed in the direction of this one..sparer. Just a thought"

I would have to say you are bang on the money there- poems such as this, and the fire one and a few others are more restrained compared to those about relationships and "feelings"- I think it because I am less attached, can reel the images in- I enjoy writing both, but eventually would like to find the "right" balance between the two.

Thanks to you all, it is greatly appreciated.

Best Regards

Vincent

[Nash]

Thumbs up from me too on that first couplet Vincent, very strong start. The rest of it doesn't disappoint either.

No crits on this one, I like it as it is.

Cheers,
Nash.

[Vincent Turner]

Thanks Nash.

Glad this one worked for you

Best Regards

Vincent

[k-j]

Hi Vincent (Vince?)

I love the opening. I really love the whale analogy. Car-shadows is great also.

I'm not so keen on "thump / our chests up to the volume / of our hearts". I'm imagining you thumping your chests, but why? A tarzan imitation? Weird. I think you need to rework this bit.

The last couplet is pretty prosaic. I mean, the last line adds nothing to the line before it. Could you not just say "Dada's giro will be here"?

[Raincoat]

Hey Vincent,

the opening is a great hook. The poem reminded me of this -

http://www.poetryfoundation.org/learning/poem/175758

although this poem is different by looking at the hardships of the children and their coping mechanisms (thumping on chest, and then desperately praying)

the parts which I thought seemed so raw and honest - the first and last - I feel like there could be something raw in the middle - less polished? But that's only after reading three times so maybe I'm searching too hard. the last image really stood out, we see it through their eyes.

[Arian]

I like the line about whales/air.

Me, too. I also like the poetic reversal at the end. Bathetic climaxes, at least in poetry if not in other walks of life, are rare and hard to do well. This makes a pretty fair stab, I'd say.

One nit...

car-shadows
of late night traffic.

Wouldn't just shadows do? Doesn't late-night traffic pretty much define the shadows you mean? You're courting with a tautological image, I'd say.

Readable stuff, though.

cheers
peter

[Vincent Turner]

I also like the poetic reversal at the end

Thanks Peter.

Sorry to ask this but how is the end a "poetic reversal" I ask this because I don't really understand what it means.

sorry for being dumb!!

Best Regards

Vincent

[Thoth]

Hello Vincent.

Good work here, I loved the content but your layout and line breaks did not work for me at all. (S2) No comma is needed before a but. “we” is used five times! Perhaps you should consider pruning it out in a couple of places.
Thanks for sharing.

Cheers,

Wally

[Arian]

how is the end a "poetic reversal"...sorry for being dumb!!

Not dumb at all. Perfectly fair question.

There's a tendency, not universal by any means but pervasive enough to call common, for poets to build towards the profound, to construct pieces that lead towards a payoff that is - at least in their minds - some kind of pinnacle of thought, an insight. Often, the result is sententious or grandiose, or just downright vacuous, but still - the thought is there. With this tendency in mind, a passage such as

of our hearts but it hurts
and it's dark and the passing lights

form questionable shapes
on the wall, so we turn to God-

and jointly pray
that when morning comes....

might lead the unsuspecting reader to expect a more aspiring, if not inspiring, climax. Instead, as I've said, you reverse the trend by favouring the bathetic, an approach which can be terribly mishandled, but I think you get away with it. More than that, I think it's done pretty well.

Cheers
peter

[Vincent Turner]

Thanks Peter.

Appreciate that you took the time to explain.

Sincerely

Vincent