(DIALECTIC tetrameter sonnet)
Icarus, mae wee seed o’ flame,
imbrees thir ee’n wi’ wings afire
tae breinge yon blowster an proclaim
yer blossom tae it smootie pyre.
A spiral vine with red-eyed rose
ignites the tempest, swinging high
for sixty seconds she bestows
her signal on a rampant sky.
May God relish yer vital spark
afore yon kelpie waves consume
yersel and I intae the dark
o’ Amphitrite's skinkin womb
fur bauld a man no’ seiled a’ sea
who’d heed yer hoy tae come fur me.
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North Sea, circa 1962. Resigned to the inevitable, an old-time mariner fires his last distress rocket. Aware that under the circumstance rescue is unlikely, he calmly he admires the beauty and splendour of the flare which briefly lights the storm clouds. It occurs to him that he is probably the only observer
Icarus - parashute flare,
imbrees – embrace,
ee’n - night/evening,
wi’ – with,
breinge - to drive with a rush / plunge.
blowster A violent wind with squalls,
smootie – smutty’
kelpie – Water demon in the shape of a horse
tae – to,
yersel – yourself,
Amphitrite – wife of Poseidon,
skinkin – Watery,
bauld - brave,
hoy - call
SEED O' FLAME
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Antcliff
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 6599
- Joined: Thu Nov 24, 2011 1:35 am
- Location: At the end of stanza 3
Hi in South Africa.
Enjoyed it..although that may in part because I read the old Scottish sailing ballad "Sir Patrick Spens" this morning, so was in the mood.
Not quite sure what sort of date you have in mind here though. Did you use the language because you had an idea of setting piece in some particular period? "Be-glimpse" not being so frequently heard in the pubs of Oban these days..doubt whether old Sir Patrick heard it too frequently either.
Very nice sound in places. Like overall theme and tone...but not sure what period be-glimpse would fit.
Best wishes,
Ant
Enjoyed it..although that may in part because I read the old Scottish sailing ballad "Sir Patrick Spens" this morning, so was in the mood.
Not quite sure what sort of date you have in mind here though. Did you use the language because you had an idea of setting piece in some particular period? "Be-glimpse" not being so frequently heard in the pubs of Oban these days..doubt whether old Sir Patrick heard it too frequently either.
Very nice sound in places. Like overall theme and tone...but not sure what period be-glimpse would fit.
Best wishes,
Ant
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur
Hey Ant
Thanks for the impressions, I'm glad you enjoyed it.
I overlaid the northern accent once my formal version had gelled and you are quite correct, be-glimpse is totally out of character. I shall consult with my Scottish father-in-law on a more suitable term.
Cheers,
Wally
Thanks for the impressions, I'm glad you enjoyed it.
I overlaid the northern accent once my formal version had gelled and you are quite correct, be-glimpse is totally out of character. I shall consult with my Scottish father-in-law on a more suitable term.
Cheers,
Wally
Of desert and Mountain
It's a bit of a period piece, but intentionally so, and I really like it. I haven't seen that "thah" before. Is it a common bit of Scots English? I've just been through the Penguin Book of Scottish Verse, and I don't remember it.
Still, good versing.
Cheers
David
Still, good versing.
Cheers
David
AHA! Shakespeare meets Robbie Burns... I ne'er thought I mae see here ae sonnet but I also thought that if I waited long enough...
(of course there likely are many, just none that I have seen here yet... aologies to any who I have missed)
Well done Wally this is very nicely put, but I wonder though, if the language is at odds with the flare (Ikaros Flares don't age well) ... they may be of different ages.. And I wish that the preamble was not there. I found the mariner calmly "admiring the splendour...." to be at odds with the apparent turmoil of the gale and the rampant, ebon sky in the poem which inspired him to set off the flare in the first place.
This last bit:
Nae man or ship sails on thah sea
who’ll brave this blast tae come fer me.
I wonder if, since the poet is speaking to the flare, might continue that and end something like:
Nae man or ship sails on thah sea
who’ll heed thy plea, tae come fer me.
(of course there likely are many, just none that I have seen here yet... aologies to any who I have missed)
Well done Wally this is very nicely put, but I wonder though, if the language is at odds with the flare (Ikaros Flares don't age well) ... they may be of different ages.. And I wish that the preamble was not there. I found the mariner calmly "admiring the splendour...." to be at odds with the apparent turmoil of the gale and the rampant, ebon sky in the poem which inspired him to set off the flare in the first place.
This last bit:
Nae man or ship sails on thah sea
who’ll brave this blast tae come fer me.
I wonder if, since the poet is speaking to the flare, might continue that and end something like:
Nae man or ship sails on thah sea
who’ll heed thy plea, tae come fer me.
"Poetry's unnat'ral; no man ever talked poetry 'cept a beadle on boxin' day, or Warren's blackin' or Rowland's oil, or some o' them low fellows; never you let yourself down to talk poetry, my boy." C. Dickens
Hello Sandbanx
Thank you for popping in and commenting.
The period is set postwar, when those type of flares became standard issue.The voice is not necessarily that old as that is exactly way old Jock McDonald (my grandfather-in-law) spoke and he was a Glaswegan with a very broad accent.
I will consider a replacement for "ebon" as I doubt the sailor would use that term.
Regarding the speaker's calmness under the circumstances;
I don't know if you have ever found yourself facing certain death? I have on several occasions, at sea, as a soldier in battle and on the racetrack.
The human psyche has a strange way of dealing with the inevitable, it can speed up, making things appear in slow motion. This gives the person apparent time to ponder on sometimes irrelevant things. We hear of expressions such as; "your lifetime passes before you" and voices of ancestors and loved ones can manifest in the mind. These are true! When ambushed 30km inside enemy territory during a tropical cyclone, I can remember admiring the beauty of tracer machine gun fire ripping up the mud beneath my buddy as he dived for cover. (Like lazy green fireflies changing to angry hornets then whip-cracks)
But I digress - I like your suggestion for the last line except "thy" would have to go for the same reason as before.
Cheers,
Wally
Thank you for popping in and commenting.
The period is set postwar, when those type of flares became standard issue.The voice is not necessarily that old as that is exactly way old Jock McDonald (my grandfather-in-law) spoke and he was a Glaswegan with a very broad accent.
I will consider a replacement for "ebon" as I doubt the sailor would use that term.
Regarding the speaker's calmness under the circumstances;
I don't know if you have ever found yourself facing certain death? I have on several occasions, at sea, as a soldier in battle and on the racetrack.
The human psyche has a strange way of dealing with the inevitable, it can speed up, making things appear in slow motion. This gives the person apparent time to ponder on sometimes irrelevant things. We hear of expressions such as; "your lifetime passes before you" and voices of ancestors and loved ones can manifest in the mind. These are true! When ambushed 30km inside enemy territory during a tropical cyclone, I can remember admiring the beauty of tracer machine gun fire ripping up the mud beneath my buddy as he dived for cover. (Like lazy green fireflies changing to angry hornets then whip-cracks)
But I digress - I like your suggestion for the last line except "thy" would have to go for the same reason as before.
Cheers,
Wally
Of desert and Mountain
Hello Wally
And welcome as I dont think we have communicated before.
It's a neat tale but I have to say as one who might be said to have a Glasgow accent I am afraid this doesn't read quite authentic to me. A few observations
To would be tae
Fa would be fur or fir
And thah I am not sure I would hear nor meself which might be masel'
It's a tough call to write authentically in dialect but brave attempt.
Interestingly you use the phrase vital spark - did you know that was the name of the puffer from the Para Handy tales?
Cheers
Elph
And welcome as I dont think we have communicated before.
It's a neat tale but I have to say as one who might be said to have a Glasgow accent I am afraid this doesn't read quite authentic to me. A few observations
To would be tae
Fa would be fur or fir
And thah I am not sure I would hear nor meself which might be masel'
It's a tough call to write authentically in dialect but brave attempt.
Interestingly you use the phrase vital spark - did you know that was the name of the puffer from the Para Handy tales?
Cheers
Elph
Hello Elph
Pleased tae meet yer jimmy
Thank you for your valuable input, I have used your advise already. Do you perhaps have a suggestion for "that" bearing in mind the narrator would likely have been a fisherman on a small boat and not well educated.
Cheers, Wally
Pleased tae meet yer jimmy
Thank you for your valuable input, I have used your advise already. Do you perhaps have a suggestion for "that" bearing in mind the narrator would likely have been a fisherman on a small boat and not well educated.
Cheers, Wally
Of desert and Mountain
Hello again
I think the difficulty with this poem is not only is it using dialect but a dialect of a past time. Now I agree the tale lends itself to that approach and you handle the poetic devices of rhythm and rhyme well.
So all I can now offer are a couple of particular observations on words that don't seem right to me, but remember I don't speak in the "ancient dialect" so I may be wrong about certain words.
I would use embrace rather than imbrees, gale for geel, roar for rair.
If you are interested in Scots dialect writing there is of course Burns but more recently Tom Leonard who writes in the Glasgow dialect. And there lies another challenge there are many Scots dialects from Lallan Scots to the Doric of the North East. Hugh MacDiarmid wrote in Lallan Scots. And of course, Gaelic but that is another language altogether. check out online Scots Language Dictionary if you want some guidance. I will stop now - I am probably boring you but as you may have guessed it's a subject that fascinates me.
Cheers
elph
I think the difficulty with this poem is not only is it using dialect but a dialect of a past time. Now I agree the tale lends itself to that approach and you handle the poetic devices of rhythm and rhyme well.
So all I can now offer are a couple of particular observations on words that don't seem right to me, but remember I don't speak in the "ancient dialect" so I may be wrong about certain words.
I would use embrace rather than imbrees, gale for geel, roar for rair.
If you are interested in Scots dialect writing there is of course Burns but more recently Tom Leonard who writes in the Glasgow dialect. And there lies another challenge there are many Scots dialects from Lallan Scots to the Doric of the North East. Hugh MacDiarmid wrote in Lallan Scots. And of course, Gaelic but that is another language altogether. check out online Scots Language Dictionary if you want some guidance. I will stop now - I am probably boring you but as you may have guessed it's a subject that fascinates me.
Cheers
elph
