At Paleochora: father and son AKA Perishable

[David]

REVISED

After the world and his sunstruck wife had left
the umbrella'd beach, we took to the rocks. The sea
had put on something turquoise for the evening.

Treading carefully, while he hung round
my neck, his bony knees against my chest,
I had him. He was safe. That was certain.

Beneath my feet, the pools' inhabitants
went on with their quiet lives, quite unaware
how close each misstep brought catastrophe.

Later, en famille again, we sat
outside and failed to recognise the stars
in their divine arrangements overhead;

it's better not to know how casually
the gods, at play, may let a sandalled foot
come crashing down into our brimming cosmos.

ORIGINAL

After the world and his sunstruck wife had left
the beach, limping, we took to the rocks. The sea
had put on turquoise for the evening.

Treading carefully, while you hung round
my neck, your bony knees against my chest,
I had you. You were safe. It was certain.

Beneath my feet, the pools' inhabitants
pursued their needs and pleasures, unaware
how close each misstep brought catastrophe.

Later, having rejoined the ladies, we sat
outside and counted the stars, at ease and off
our guard in our own brimming cosmos.

[Arian]

Elegantly phrased, beautifully paced, as usual. The line:

The sea
had put on turquoise for the evening.

is just wonderful.

For me, this line

we sat
outside and counted the stars,

would be better without the article. Just stars is much smoother.

But good stuff.

cheers
peter

[Mic]

It's lovely David. Lovely.

Agree with Peter about cutting 'the' and the sea putting on turquoise for the evening is wonderful.

Mic

[k-j]

I'm not sure if you intend the subject of "limping" to be ambiguous - is it the world and his wife or is it you two? It's also not clear why anyone would be limping. You might be limping if you cut yourself on the rocks, but you're not on them yet.

I like "the sea / had put on turquoise" a lot.

The great sense of relief in line 6 seems to come out of nowhere. It's as if you've rescued him (I assume it's a boy from line 10) from something but the poem makes no reference to a peril. This second stanza is slightly problematic I think.

The rest is good. "Pursued their needs and pleasures" is droll and nicely put. I agree with Peter about stars. And "our own brimming cosmos" is a stormer.

[Thoth]

Hello David,

Thanks for this chilled out stroll on a rocky sea shore. It transported me somewhere else and had me intent all the way until S4. Warm imagery and interesting wordplay made this a pleasure to read. Loved the opening strophe!

That being said, I did find some niggling issues with this piece that could easily fixed;

The powerful start simply tailed off and ended weakly not for lack of literary skill but because the story just became so very ordinary and uninteresting.

Now, as an account of the day’s activity on holiday in Crete, it remains subjective and accurate, but sadly, as with holiday movies, others (though they may utter all the polite things) are not genuinely interested unless something exciting occurs.

I’m not sure who the narrator’s companion is, at first I thought it was a partner, wife or girlfriend but later decided it must be a child. The narrator can’t seem to decide if he is addressing the companion or a third party” Seems a bit pointless telling the account to the companion.

There is a contradiction between S2 and S3, S2 say “you are safe” while S3 intimates there was considerable risk.

S4 while conveys a sense of satisfaction of experiencing “another day in paradise”, is a complete disappointment and made me think “OK, so what?
Perhaps it’s just me but I would have enjoyed something profound to leave me pondering, a hint of other more serious thoughts or feelings.

Please permit me an observation, which may be something you have not considered. Apart from the title, nothing in the content tells the reader anything about the actual location. It could be set anywhere in the world, it’s that non-specific. No personality, nothing in the imagery to help the reader guess. Some people may google the title in order to discover where this story takes place. Most won’t bother. A few well selected details and more emotion would bring the whole poem to life.

None the less I enjoyed the read thank you.

Wally

[Antcliff]

Hi
I like brimming cosmos.

Two thoughts.

Don't you think "having rejoined the ladies" is a teensy bit police-reporty?

"Off our guard"? "our" sounds redundant...whose guard would it be? (And why have two on line anyway?)

Cheers,
Ant.

[Nash]

Very nice David, sort of a companion piece to At Santa Barbara? You do these remiscence pieces so very well.

Good idea of Peter's to remove that 'the' before stars I think. It helps the flow and seems to enhance the rhyme with 'guard' too.

What do you think about having a full stop after chest? I can't help thinking that the slight extra pause created would help the next line along nicely.

Cheers,
Nash.

[David]

For me, this line

we sat
outside and counted the stars,

would be better without the article. Just stars is much smoother.

Really? I didn't think so, but I see that's been seconded by Michaela, so I'll have to take it seriously. It's supposed to be an abbreviation of counting lucky stars, but that's probably an irrelevant remark.

I'm not sure if you intend the subject of "limping" to be ambiguous - is it the world and his wife or is it you two? It's also not clear why anyone would be limping. You might be limping if you cut yourself on the rocks, but you're not on them yet.

Yes, I know. That bothers me too, and I should have known that someone (very likely you) would spot it, so I suppose I was being a bit lazy. I'll have to change the form of that sentence.

The great sense of relief in line 6 seems to come out of nowhere. It's as if you've rescued him (I assume it's a boy from line 10) from something but the poem makes no reference to a peril. This second stanza is slightly problematic I think.

I'm not completely happy with S2, and would quite like to drop it, but I think I need it. Necessary stage directions and all that. It's not so much peril as taking care in a semi-perilous activity and telling a child "I've got you, you're fine" and hoping you're right.

The powerful start simply tailed off and ended weakly not for lack of literary skill but because the story just became so very ordinary and uninteresting.

Now, as an account of the day’s activity on holiday in Crete

Hi Wally, it's not supposed to be just an account of a day's activity in Crete, so if that's all that's coming over, I've failed. In the third and fourth stanzas I tried to link - basically by the use of "brimming" - the blissful ignorance of those little creatures in the pool with our good selves. In the midst of apparent certainty we are prey to uncertainty. I had hoped that "brimming" would do that job for me, but maybe I've overtasked it.

Apart from the title, nothing in the content tells the reader anything about the actual location. It could be set anywhere in the world, it’s that non-specific. No personality, nothing in the imagery to help the reader guess. Some people may google the title in order to discover where this story takes place. Most won’t bother. A few well selected details and more emotion would bring the whole poem to life.

I know what you mean, and previous drafts of this poem have been awash with tavernas, moussaka and retsina, but I decided to forego the local colour. I was going for something more universal, but I needed a title. And it happened at Paleochora. (Maybe that would be a better title.)

Don't you think "having rejoined the ladies" is a teensy bit police-reporty?

I do, or at least rather Victorian. It's fustian, but I like it.

Very nice David, sort of a companion piece to At Santa Barbara?

Very similar, Nash. I've started thinking about these sorts of things under the dull and unalluring heading of "Aspects of parenthood", but I suppose that's what they are.

What do you think about having a full stop after chest?

I don't know! I'm off out now, so I'll have a think about it.

Cheers all

David

[Antcliff]

It's fustian, but I like it.

Righto. I'm all for Fustian...even on the beach we must be gentlemen.
I am forming a suspicion David that there is a part of you that would have preferred to be in the period of the Grand Tours of Europe, strolling along, elegantly dressed for the setting, bumping into Ruskin or Beerbohm or some relation of the Sitwells.

Me too.

Cheers,
Ant.

[Arian]

It's supposed to be an abbreviation of counting lucky stars, but that's probably an irrelevant remark.

Not sure if the remark is irrelevant or not, but I confess that how one deduces "lucky" from "the" eludes me for the time being. Perhaps, only perhaps, a sensible working assumption is that most people won't make the connection and amend accordingly.

Cheers
peter

[twoleftfeet]

I'm not sure if you intend the subject of "limping" to be ambiguous - is it the world and his wife or is it you two? It's also not clear why anyone would be limping. You might be limping if you cut yourself on the rocks, but you're not on them yet.

Funnily enough, when I first read the poem I missed the comma, thereby inferring a "limping sea"!

In the third and fourth stanzas I tried to link - basically by the use of "brimming" - the blissful ignorance of those little creatures in the pool with our good selves.
In the midst of apparent certainty we are prey to uncertainty.
I had hoped that "brimming" would do that job for me, but maybe I've overtasked it.

Hmmm. I got the message, no problem.
(I used to read "The Perishers" and it reminded me of "The Eyeballs in the Sky" )
"Brimming" didn't help, though. Something along the lines of inward-looking, introverted might work.

Nice "Protective Dad" poem, David

[Thoth]

Hi David

After reading your intent for this poem it makes more sense. The other’s remarks though, intimate that (like me) most missed the lesson.

This is the synopsis as I now see it;
“Little grandchild on my shoulders, we explore exquisite wonders of the rock-pools at low tide. Later, it occurs to me that perhaps some risks taken were not so clever.”

The problem for me was the title. I got hung up on trying to figure where and why instead of looking for the metaphorical symbolism concealed within. You quite correctly purged the verses of specifics but the title to me remained a distraction. This should have been the key for directing the my thoughts in the desired direction but took me on a wild goose chase instead.

May I suggest you also bring the tide into play. Symbolic power of the sea, tide and stars are enormous when used together. Perhaps you could strengthen the trusting relationship between the child and narrator.

The finale too could be tweeked to enhance mood and trigger an epiphany as the reader’s thoughts settle.

Suggested below are some small inclusions and minor tweeks. Subtle changes that hopefully will channel the reader’s mind; Naturally, take or discard whatever you want from these offerings. (Perhaps I still wandered off at a tangent) The title in my opinion still needs some thought but I seriously urge for something that will immediately intrigue the reader without giving anything away.

Cheers,

Wally

After the world and his sun-struck wife had limped
from the beach, we took to the rocks. The sea,
withdrawn and demure had
put on turquoise for the evening.

(Included is an allusion to the tidal mood and L1 is smoothed)

Confidently hung around my neck, bony knees
against my chest, she knew she was safe. That was certain.

( More precise and streamlined. The issue I mentioned previously of to whom the narrator directs the monologue is also addressed)

Beneath my cautious feet, curious inhabitants
of the pools pursued their needs and
pleasures, unaware how
one misstep could have brought catastrophe.

( a small re-arrangement to reduce ambiguity and one additional adjective to crystallize that image)

Later, having rejoined the ladies, we relaxed
outside, counting favourable stars under
our own brimming cosmos while
a restless indigo sea re-possessed her slippery rocks.

(Enhancing the symbolic importance of the stars (astrologically) and
Including a changed mood for the background sea and tide.
The final thought returns to the rocks re-iterating the risks taken)

[Arian]

(I used to read "The Perishers" and it reminded me of "The Eyeballs in the Sky"

A brother enthusiast! My first ever.
Do you remember the inch-thick tomato sandwiches, Geoff? And Maisie, who was always "casting nasturtiums" on people? Still makes me smile.
Sorry to break thread, David. Got over-excited.
peter

[twoleftfeet]

(I used to read "The Perishers" and it reminded me of "The Eyeballs in the Sky"

A brother enthusiast! My first ever.
Do you remember the inch-thick tomato sandwiches, Geoff? And Maisie, who was always "casting nasturtiums" on people? Still makes me smile.
Sorry to break thread, David. Got over-excited.
peter

And not forgetting, Peter, Beryl Bogey "the black-belt-all-in-free-style liberated women's netball champion".

(Apologies for the hijack, David)

[Ros]

Even I (dimly) remember the Eyeballs in the Sky...

I enjoyed this too, but I'm afraid also felt that the last verse was weaker than the rest. I get the philosophical point it's making, but it doesn't feel significant enough a view to hold the entire poem, imo. Some lovely phrasing, as always.

Ros

[ray miller]

I think you have, as you put it, overtasked "brimming" and you don't need "our" before guard, do you? Brimming doesn't imply the sense of danger to me, maybe overflowing or just plain precarious would. The turquoise sea is great. I like the 2nd verse until the last line and It was certain - it doesn't sound much like anyone would say to themselves or others. I had trouble with the rhythm of this line

how close each misstep brought catastrophe.

I'd like "on" before catastrophe.

But a very enjoyable poem, of course.

[Arian]

And not forgetting, Peter, Beryl Bogey "the black-belt-all-in-free-style liberated women's netball champion".

Omigod (as my daughter would say) yes! I can feel an evening's googling and basking coming on. Sorry David, last indulgence from me on this thread!

[David]

I have been messing around with this, but I can't quite make it do what I want it to do. Worse, I now can't make my mind up as to how I should I finish it, so I'll let it lie fallow for a while. Wally, thanks for the detailed pointers. They may well come in useful.

And not forgetting, Peter, Beryl Bogey "the black-belt-all-in-free-style liberated women's netball champion".

Now Geoff's getting over-excited. Mind you it sounds as though it would have been a perfect role for Bettie Page. But I remember the Perishers. And the Gambols. Was it the Gambols? I even remember some muscular cove called Garth.

Cheers all

David

[David]

Oops. And I meant to say - re

I am forming a suspicion David that there is a part of you that would have preferred to be in the period of the Grand Tours of Europe, strolling along, elegantly dressed for the setting, bumping into Ruskin or Beerbohm or some relation of the Sitwells.

- yes!

[twoleftfeet]

I have been messing around with this, but I can't quite make it do what I want it to do. Worse, I now can't make my mind up as to how I should I finish it, so I'll let it lie fallow for a while. Wally, thanks for the detailed pointers. They may well come in useful.

And not forgetting, Peter, Beryl Bogey "the black-belt-all-in-free-style liberated women's netball champion".

Now Geoff's getting over-excited. Mind you it sounds as though it would have been a perfect role for Bettie Page. But I remember the Perishers. And the Gambols. Was it the Gambols? I even remember some muscular cove called Garth.

Cheers all

David

Bettie Page!!? Beryl Bogey looks more like a gorilla..

Classic "eyeballs in the sky" :

[Arian]

God, yes - I remember reading that one fo the first time!
Here's my contribution (sorry again, David - now look what you've started!). I promise to cease now.

[twoleftfeet]

Fiscal looks like Baby Grumpling, but older and even more smug
(Sorry again, David!)

[Nicky B]

Hey David,

As the others have said there's lots of great stuff here. I have a few thoughts.

The first relates to the title. You sometimes (often?) link your poems to specific reference points (people, places etc.). In this case I was eager to read as I know Paleochora well (it's very beautiful, although I would recommend Sougia which is along the coast, is more unspoilt and you can camp on the beach for free. It's probably one of my favourite places). Likewise Santa Barbara (worked there briefly). However, if I hadn't known these places this reference would have immediately distanced me from the poem. My rambling point being that I would prefer a more generic title. As no one else has raised this I'm sure there's hundreds of reasons for pinning the location down, but to my mind this limits the potential hit of the poem and can act to exclude the reader. Just a thought.

Although I love the feeling of pursued pleasures this type of anthropomorphism bothers me a bit. Crabs and barnacles pursuing pleasure? Really? Please forgive my pedantic ways, but it seems a bit unrealistic. In fact, more generally, S3 just isn't quite working for me. Of course they are unaware, and why would they care if they were aware? I'm assuming the catastrophe is you falling with the child? Not you standing on the rock pool beasties and causing their demise? I'm not sure bringing them into the poem like this is working. However, I do like their presence - but I would include them in a more passive way. Noting their oblivious actions, but not so actively involving them.

Also is it really a catastrophe if you do fall? That word seems quite strong. Unless you think about the incident more broadly in terms of a lack of trust, but still it seems quite strong and acute.

And a final stumble was on ladies. To me this sounds too formal in an otherwise warm and embracing poem. I would prefer just family, or others. It sends it a bit "stiff upper lip" all of a sudden.

Phew. Sorry, that was lots of opinions!! All that said I really enjoyed "it was certain" and the sea dressing and the brimming and the overall feeling of this. It's just S3 is a bit off (only in my opinion), which I guess is really the crux of the poem.

Hope that's some help, I mean to be helpful, not just mean,

Nicky B.

[David]

Ah, a very good thoughtful crit, Nicky. Thank you. And not a mention of the perishing Perishers.

I agree with you - and Wally, was it? - about the title. I think At Santa Barbaraworks, but this one doesn't.

I take your point completely about the wildlife, and I'm certainly not going to argue with you about marine biology. The catastrophe is partly in there just because it's such a wonderfully Greek word, but I did want it to relate more to them than to me: me getting my foot wet would not be a catastrophe, but them getting stood on probably would. It's that sense of something unexpected (and catastrophic) suddenly happening, which I wanted to imply as a possibility for all of us, so that seems not to be working.

And a final stumble was on ladies. To me this sounds too formal in an otherwise warm and embracing poem. I would prefer just family, or others. It sends it a bit "stiff upper lip" all of a sudden.

Yes. Ant made the same point.

Hope that's some help, I mean to be helpful, not just mean

It's not mean at all! Very helpful.

Cheers

David

P.S. Only been to Paleochora once, but I have very fond memories of the place. My sleeping on the beach days are long over, though.

[Nash]

Just as a point of reference David, and with all due respect to Nicky and Wally, I think the title's fine as it is. I have no idea where Paleochora is but, as the poem isn't specifically about the place, that didn't detract from the read for me. All I needed to know was that Paleochora was a foreign resort and I got that from the poem.