Uncle Harry

[brianedwards]

Uncle Harry

i.m. H.H. (1940-2012)

When you lost your tongue to cancer
and with it all the words you might have said
to me, if we had ever met

I can't say I wasn't wasting mine
on poetry; on trying to dislodge
a lie stuck fast between the teeth of reason,

or nursing roots of hurt assumed
exposed by hope's extraction —
and there I go again with vague abstraction.

They'd taken to the streets in Africa
whilst, driven to the streets of Manchester,
my genes were dying

inside you. A family man,
you opted out, you turned your back
on fatherhood, on kinship.

I could cast you as a coward,
turning over in your bed, depriving
others of the warmth beneath your blanket.

Or then again a hero, punching
alarm clocks off in protest, choosing
to chart a purer course to death,

emancipating those who dare to follow.
What flimsy threads
we tug at trying to reach the source

of pain: a million tongues probing
a million teeth; a billion feet
descending on the palaces

of those who pose as God
and his descendants. I descend from you
and flesh you out from anecdotes,

unable to administer
placebos from an ancient text,
knowing only this:

From the blue dusk that drapes skyscrapers
in satin light, and from the turn
of seasons through burnt umber,

ochre, cobalt and Prussian green;
from sightless rocks in quarries mined
to realise a greater vision:

From this machinery we draw strength.
In railway lines that slice through hills,
in smoke patterns on punctured lungs,

in the perfect pitch of a cry for help:
In this cruelty there is beauty.
Behind this square of glass that holds

the night and all its rhythms;
in all the lives that press against
its blackness: the perturbing planets

whose actions cheat the naked eye;
the worms who've turned more earth than any man;
the weevils and the cancers

all quietly committed to destruction:
In these cycles there is wonder.
So excuse me if I do not waste

this wonder wondering who you were,
or what of you lives on in me:
It's wondrous that you ever lived at all.












~













~

[Suzanne]

Hi Brian,

I think this is a welcome poem in this quiet period we have been having around here. There are some good lines and images.
The message is good, rather passive- aggressive, which is a reality ins some relationships. You have caught that well.

Forgive me for not having more time to give a better crit, I will come back with more.

I do think it is rather long and need not be so. A light trim and tightening would be good but I enjoyed the read.

Suzanne

[beautifulloser]

Hi Brian,

Difficult subject, the first two stanza's work really well and I think are on a par with your 'good stuff' I've happened to come across when casually visiting PG.

By S3, the voice of the poem is put aside and you've lost my intrigue because over S1 and S2 you have roped me in and by S3 you're pushing me away with three lines that are more cerebral than of the heart. Even commenting on your own abstraction, no?

My Nan passed on this year, so I know how difficult these poems are to write regardless of your attachment to the loss. I've revised the poem I started in May over and over and I still can't get the tone, melody or pacing in time.

Your S1 and S2 tick all the boxes, then it seems you're hiding or have run out of ideas or more importantly; exhausted the dialogue with yourself.

Brevity is an essential quality these sort of poems should have, IMO (Which Suzanne also mentioned). I know you're a fan of form and perhaps this one might be worth experimenting with? Avoiding a Vignette, which I suspect, is your not your vibe anyway and has been done to death.

The enjambment works well in the first two stanzas, so I'd be inclined to stick with that and the free verse style the poem employs but try and find a natural bounce off the spring board of those first two stanzas that lightly reflects the sentiment you're trying to portray.

Hopefully that helps. There's the beginning of a really good poem on a very difficult subject here.

At the end of the day: do or don't, right? Good effort.

x

[Nash]

Excellent opening Brian, it caught my attention straight away. But from the Africa line onwards I must admit that you did lose me a bit, I was drifting away there. You pulled me back in with the skyscraper line though and from there to the strong ending I liked it.

Don't get me wrong, I like the sentiment behind that middle section, it's just that, for me, the language lacks the punch of the rest somehow.

Good to see you posting again though,
Nash.

[Nash]

Forgot to mention, shouldn't there be full stop at the end of S1?

[Vincent Turner]

Hi Brian

I have to say I agree with Nash.

the opening two stanza's are the magnet

But I have read the Africa and Manchester lines quite a few times and struggled to make sense of them( not your thought I know) but because they are in stark contrast to the clear lines of the opening two, I did begin to feel jaded, and somewhat frustrated with either myself or the poem- not quite sure which.

or nursing roots of hurt assumed
exposed by hope's extraction —
and there I go again with vague abstraction.

#

Having said that I did enjoy this part here, when I read the first two lines I thought to myself oh right where is he going with this, and then the comical third line mocking the two above... i thought this was rather clever.

Again I tend to agree with Nash, the heart of the poem and the engaging language ( for me) returns with the skyscraper lines and what follows is equally good.

just my thoughts... but for now I would not overly miss the middle section of this poem

Best Regards

Vincent

[camus]

Oh god, it's good at the start, gets existential in the middle, then ends.

"It's wondrous that you ever lived at all."

Was he a marvel of modern science? Or is this just unjustified sentimentality?

Mostly great lines, so i'll pick out the awful ones:

"on trying to dislodge
a lie stuck fast between the teeth of reason," Mmmmm, metaphoric madness!

"inside you. A family man,
you opted out, you turned your back
on fatherhood, on kinship." A whole stanza of awfulness.

A sort of Apocalpyse Now of a poem.

K x

[brianedwards]

Thanks all, revision coming up. Kris, not unjustified sentimentality at all, just basic scientific fact.

B.

[Arian]

This is one of those pieces which put adherents of the intentional fallacy in a difficult position. Hard to read it without at least a nod in the direction of its "external evidence".

Anyway, a lot to like. Look forward to the revision. In the meantime, I can't help disagreeing with Kris about the reason line, which I thought was rather neatly put, as Bertie might have remarked to jeeves. But I hope the next version doesn't lose:

choosing
to chart a purer course to death,

emancipating those who dare to follow.

which is...well, I wish I'd written it. Great.

Downside? Not much really. The vague abstraction line is clever, but a bit self-conscious in my view, and wondrous is a bit keatsian or coleridgeian or wesleyean or something oldfashionedean for my taste. Taste being the operative word.

Cheers
peter

[Suzanne]

Damn, not that anyone but me cares, but I'm going to spend 2012 learning how to give a coherent crit..
I agree with most statements above.


These are very fine crits for a forum presently suffering with lack of .... well, poets and poems.

Really good to see both poem and decent crits.
Let's get the ball rolling again. Keep talking.


Looking forward to the edit, B.

Suzanne

[David]

I think the poem I'd like to read is the one you don't want to write, Brian. I'd like to know more about Harry, but he's rather overwhelmed by the point you want to make about the general pernicious uselessness of religion. The idea of an uncle you've never met is - to me - a very interesting one, and one I'd like to see explored. So if you feel like that doing that ...

Cheers

David

[Antcliff]

I think the poem I'd like to read is the one you don't want to write, Brian. I'd like to know more about Harry, but he's rather overwhelmed by the point you want to make about the general pernicious uselessness of religion. The idea of an uncle you've never met is - to me - a very interesting one, and one I'd like to see explored. So if you feel like that doing that ...

Cheers

David

I would have to agree with David here Brian. Would like to be much more positive since you have recently mustered some favourable words on my own. But on this one..too little+too much. Too little on uncle..he seems a peg only. Even you lose interest even at start and would rather talk of your own abstraction. Too much..religious polemic is teensy bit ranty IMNSHO. As it stands I would vote more uncle + less religious polemic+bit less egging ("in this cruelty there is beauty"..) I look forward to seeing how it develops.
Best regards,
Ant.

[brianedwards]

Thanks Ant and Dave. Unfortunately you are right: that is the poem I'm not interested in writing. Ho-hum.

Cheers,

B.

[Antcliff]

....the perturbing planets
whose actions cheat the naked eye;
the worms who've turned more earth than any man;
the weevils and the cancers
all quietly committed to destruction:
In these cycles there is wonder.
So excuse me if I do not waste
this wonder wondering who you were,
or what of you lives on in me:
It's wondrous that you ever lived at all.
~

Hi again Brian.
In constructive spirit...
This I think is the better part. I like "perturbing planets". What you have here is (at least at end) a poem about wonder...and it would be shame to obscure that. The conclusion is that there is much room for wonder and so..excusably, you say...no time to wonder who said person was. The subject matter of the poem is therefore wonder and the importance of that. Indeed more specifically the cycle connected with cancer at the end is cited as one of those things of wonder. But it will not yet be clear to the reader as to why wonder about the person is wasted. After all the fact that there are many things of wonder does not mean that wonder here need be wasted does it? There is still time for other wondering. IMHO this would be a far better poem if there was more stress on this core philosophical thought rather than on, say, some of the middle stanza stuff. After all, it is the core of it.
Best wishes,
Ant.

[Deryn]

Hi Brian,

'When you lost your tongue to cancer
and with it all the words you might have said
to me,'

Well Brian, I lost my dad, Harry, to cancer last year. And quite simply, I wish I had sat down and written those words of yours. They have deeply touched me and made me realise just how much I love and miss him.

Thank you,

Deryn

[brianedwards]

Wow, Deryn, comments like that make it all worthwhile. Sincerely, sorry for your loss.

And thanks Ant. Your comment alongside Deryn's suggests that some of the poem's content is inappropriate in this context. Good to be reminded of such things. Much appreciated.

B.

[Suzanne]

B,

I have to say that I was very glad to see this poem here upon your return. This is a powerful poem and has some uncomfortable lines.
This feels very honest in the same way that a good scene in a movie can completely absorb the viewer.

To be able to say these things in a real life situation would require such a dramatic build up that most of us
do not get the chance to vent like this to the person we wish we could. If we are lucky, we have a confident to share these thought with....

but this poem goes right to Harry. Paced on Harry's dead feet. Though he did not hear it, it rings over his corpse and the N's mission is accomplished.

After reading it again today, I think the Africa and Manchester lines are details that only confuse and not add to the message. I can not say what else I feel needs to be taken out if those are removed. The flow picks up pace (and color) as it moves along and anything to keep that tension tight would be worth looking at.

Enjoyed this and glad to see you posting.
Suzanne

[thoke]

I'm afraid you lost me about halfway through.

I like the premise, a modest tribute to an unknown uncle. The tongue stuff at the start is simple and effective. I like the definition of poetry... I think. I can't tell whether you're rubbishing reason. Reason is ace.

After that I slowly lose interest. Some of the images are either cliches or seem like they should be out of fashion.

Anyway, not bad, worth working on. Maybe you could rewrite it backwards so that it gets better and better?

Ben

[OwenEdwards]

re David and Ant - well, I like it. Of course I don't think Brian's right in his views about religion (indeed, I think they're balmy in terms of the vituperation) but that central hymn to the wonder of nature is magnificent. Poetry feels, to me, at some level, an opportunity for different voices to express themselves in beautiful ways; you needn't agree with the voices but you can hear them sing and admire the beauty in their tone.

And so, yes, though the poem makes Uncle Harry a means to the end of hymning naturalism and dismissing religion, and though that may be problematic, it does it all in fine fashion. Bravo.