Tonight, as I ride your stallion-strong shoulders
in our flower edged shoe-box garden, shirtless
and sun-bronzed, smiling truth to the lens
you are downstairs arguing with the walls.
They have nothing to say about your marriage
but you pester them anyway, finger wagging
your frustration, laughing at the shapes
their shadows make. Last week whilst slumped
on the sofa as though totally de-boned
You ran beside me as I rode the "big boys" bike,
your long blonde hair caught forever in a wild
sepia flail. Every morning as you're draining
your beloved slender-neck I am
raised to the apple'd branches of a Norfolk orchid.
Your grimace shows how I have grown
and you still have strength and you still have shoulders.
Original
Tonight, as I ride your stallion-strong shoulders
in our flower edged shoe-box garden shirtless
and sun-bronzed offering cheese to the lens,
you are downstairs arguing with the walls.
They have nothing to say about your marriage
but you pester them anyway, finger wagging
your frustration, laughing at the shapes
their shadows make. Last week whilst slumped
on the sofa as though totally de-boned
You ran beside me as I rode the "big boys" bike,
your long blonde hair caught forever in a wild
sepia flail. Every morning as you're draining the
dregs of your beloved slender-neck I am
raised to the apple'd branches of a Norfolk orchid.
Your grimace shows how I have grown
and you still have strength and you still have shoulders.
Between Decades ( Revised)
-
Vincent Turner
- Prolific Poster
- Posts: 341
- Joined: Sun Jun 12, 2011 7:21 pm
Last edited by Vincent Turner on Mon Sep 03, 2012 7:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Heady. And very well judged, I think. Excellent poem.
Only a few notes:
- "offering cheese to the lens" I take is a reference to the actual content of the photo/memory. Otherwise I can't see where the cheese comes from or why it's here. In fact the cheese is rather offputting - why not use some creative license here and offer something else to the lens?
- "your frustration" is excellently implied by "finger wagging". You don't need "your frustration". Use the space for something better.
- Laughing at shadows seems light-hearted and a bit out of place? I don't have experience of this sort of thing but to have "frustration" and "laughing" right next to each other - a frustrated person who is also laughing - jars. You can laugh in frustration, but you wouldn't laugh at shadows at the same time as wagging your finger in frustration, would you?
- the line is better, stronger, if you take out "totally". I mean no one will think you mean partially deboned. "Deboned" is a great image and a strong word that can stand by itself.
- great writing about the hair.
- "draining the dregs" verges on cliche. How about just "draining / your beloved slender-neck"? Better not to end lines or stanzas with weak words like "the" anyway.
- "apple'd branches" - fantastic. Dylan Thomas, John Clare. Wonderful, pure nostalgia.
Best thing I've seen by you, I think.
Only a few notes:
- "offering cheese to the lens" I take is a reference to the actual content of the photo/memory. Otherwise I can't see where the cheese comes from or why it's here. In fact the cheese is rather offputting - why not use some creative license here and offer something else to the lens?
- "your frustration" is excellently implied by "finger wagging". You don't need "your frustration". Use the space for something better.
- Laughing at shadows seems light-hearted and a bit out of place? I don't have experience of this sort of thing but to have "frustration" and "laughing" right next to each other - a frustrated person who is also laughing - jars. You can laugh in frustration, but you wouldn't laugh at shadows at the same time as wagging your finger in frustration, would you?
- the line is better, stronger, if you take out "totally". I mean no one will think you mean partially deboned. "Deboned" is a great image and a strong word that can stand by itself.
- great writing about the hair.
- "draining the dregs" verges on cliche. How about just "draining / your beloved slender-neck"? Better not to end lines or stanzas with weak words like "the" anyway.
- "apple'd branches" - fantastic. Dylan Thomas, John Clare. Wonderful, pure nostalgia.
Best thing I've seen by you, I think.
fine words butter no parsnips
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Ros
- Moderator
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I assume the cheese is the cheesy smiles. But I agree that it's not working so well here. I agree with k-j's comments generally - you have some excellent phrases here.
stallion-strong shoulders
in our flower edged shoe-box garden shirtless
and sun-bronzed
I found this section a bit hard to read - rather a lot of adjectives? or perhaps just needs a bit of light punctuation?
Ros
stallion-strong shoulders
in our flower edged shoe-box garden shirtless
and sun-bronzed
I found this section a bit hard to read - rather a lot of adjectives? or perhaps just needs a bit of light punctuation?
Ros
Rosencrantz: What are you playing at? Guildenstern: Words. Words. They're all we have to go on.
___________________________
Antiphon - www.antiphon.org.uk
___________________________
Antiphon - www.antiphon.org.uk
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Vincent Turner
- Prolific Poster
- Posts: 341
- Joined: Sun Jun 12, 2011 7:21 pm
Thank you kindly for the feedback.
k.j, I agree with the cheese line, it is a line a like, but I think It needs to be better phrased.
will certainly look to change some of the finger part as well. Maybe removing frustration as you mentioned.
- Laughing at shadows seems light-hearted and a bit out of place? I don't have experience of this sort of thing but to have "frustration" and "laughing" right next to each other - a frustrated person who is also laughing - jars. You can laugh in frustration, but you wouldn't laugh at shadows at the same time as wagging your finger in frustration, would you?
I get what you are saying here. I was trying to portray the manic thinking of an alcoholic- something I have seen all to clearly in my job- a drunk can and will often laugh at their shadow at the same time as wagging fingers in frustration, the shifting of their moods is quite scary and difficult to judge. But maybe I need to make that clearer.
Yep, will also loose the "draining the dregs" it is indeed clichéd.
You have given me much to think about and I thank you for that.
Ros- you are right about the first part, it is a bit clunky, and as always with me its more than likely to do with poor grammar.
The cheese line is not so much the cheesy smiles, but the father and son saying "cheese" as the photo is taken.
Thanks for the feedback.
Best Regards
Vincent
k.j, I agree with the cheese line, it is a line a like, but I think It needs to be better phrased.
will certainly look to change some of the finger part as well. Maybe removing frustration as you mentioned.
- Laughing at shadows seems light-hearted and a bit out of place? I don't have experience of this sort of thing but to have "frustration" and "laughing" right next to each other - a frustrated person who is also laughing - jars. You can laugh in frustration, but you wouldn't laugh at shadows at the same time as wagging your finger in frustration, would you?
I get what you are saying here. I was trying to portray the manic thinking of an alcoholic- something I have seen all to clearly in my job- a drunk can and will often laugh at their shadow at the same time as wagging fingers in frustration, the shifting of their moods is quite scary and difficult to judge. But maybe I need to make that clearer.
Yep, will also loose the "draining the dregs" it is indeed clichéd.
You have given me much to think about and I thank you for that.
Ros- you are right about the first part, it is a bit clunky, and as always with me its more than likely to do with poor grammar.
The cheese line is not so much the cheesy smiles, but the father and son saying "cheese" as the photo is taken.
Thanks for the feedback.
Best Regards
Vincent