Rooms

[Vincent Turner]

In the early hours of most mornings
I taste your death. As though the
floorboards, so long stored with stale
air, suddenly in the hours of quiet refrain,
exhale. Despite fresh paint and
a new freckle-flecked carpet everything
is tinged with the sepia of sad memory-
Of lavender soap and failed organs, steely
defiance and quiet acceptance. The hush
of the house allows the walls to breathe,
to whisper their longing for sound.
When the living room was lived-in,
and I would listen to you chatting
with drink-loosened tongue. Both of you
giggling and shushing each other, so not to
wake me. Not knowing it was the murmur
of your happy hours that soothed me most,
warm and reassuring like sweet milk gulped.

[Antcliff]

Hi Vince,
like most of this. Especially the gentle ending.

My only suggestion..not sure about "suddenly in the hours of quiet refrain". Perhaps it could be nipped out without loss? Move straight to "exhale"?

best,
seth

[Macavity]

Hi Vince,
I like that notion of the house breathing out its 'secrets' in the early morning and found the poem atmospheric. It certainly conveyed the sense of absence and loss.

mac

[Suzanne]

Vincent,

I love your poems- nearly every time you post one.
So i love this one, too.

The mood and emotion that you put into your words is nearly palatable (to me). Very much alive and freshly out on the table, that is how it feels.

As far as nits or critique, I think you could be more concise and gain more impact but this is an issue that has its basis in personal preference.


I like your work, Vincent.
Suzanne

[Mic]

Hi Vincent,

You have a lovely tone in your poems, and they always feel to me to have an emotional truth to them. This one is no exception.

However, in my view, it is a little overwritten (too many adjectives and some rather 'poetic' sounding words, e.g. quiet refrain, sepia, steely defiance, quiet acceptance) and a bit 'passively' written, which weakens its impact.

The last line seems awkwardly constructed.

Mic

[Vincent Turner]

Thanks for the feedback.

Good to hear from you Suzanne.

As far as nits or critique, I think you could be more concise and gain more impact but this is an issue that has its basis in personal preference.

Yeah, I see what u mean, this one was sort of abandoned, almost as If I was a little scared in delving any deeper....

Mic, thanks

However, in my view, it is a little overwritten (too many adjectives and some rather 'poetic' sounding words, e.g. quiet refrain, sepia, steely defiance, quiet acceptance) and a bit 'passively' written, which weakens its impact.

The last line seems awkwardly constructed.

I think this is an ongoing problem for me, and one that has been pointed out before, I do seem to overwrite certain things and definitely add to many adjectives, etc. But saying that, compared to my early work, I am certainly cutting back on them.

I am fairly fond of the last line, I suppose you are referring to the word order. I will ponder on it for a while.


Seth, the quiet refrain line will probably go or at the very least change, it sounded good at first, you know, how they do, but for me it is now sticking out.

Mac, thanks, I am glad you got something from the house and its secrets, it is something I am looking to explore with more detail, so will probably use this idea and see it arise in another poem.

Thanks to you all.

I know I have not been around here much in terms of critique and I apologise for that. But in way of excuse I am a fairly decent one- my third child is just 10 days from birth, so I've been slightly tied up, if you know what I mean!!!

Best Regards

Vincent