Clock Stopper

[Vincent Turner]

For River

The valley of night is still deep and bleak.
The stars and the hill-top houses
continue to stud the horizon.
The leaf-laden gutter persists
its occasional creak. Beyond the
broken, moss-draped wall,
through the thick stitching
of untamed wood, the horses
carry on with their melancholic song.
Car lights eye our walls like
ghosts in a wrong home.
Outside this cheaply bricked,
haphazard home, nothing stops-
but here in this oven-hot home,
heated to mirror your previous
lodging, the clocks have lost their
audience. Hours we spend studying
the miracle of new skin, of your
unworried frown, or the mute coo
of your sucker-gum mouth.
We are perfumed
by the freshness of your skin,
the sweet tang of vital milk,
You have dissolved mostly everything
that occurs beyond this crib
and we are happy to exist
in heavy-eyed ignorance.
You filter the blinding light of
a troubled world, reign in our worries
only for you, we no longer hear
the weariness in the horses neigh
only the pleasure of your tiny breath.

[pseud]

This line:

ghosts in a wrong home. - "the" and "room" would sound more natural to my ear, takes some of the repetition of the word "home" out of the poem.


And for me, the -real- poetry starts here:

You have dissolved mostly everything
that occurs beyond this crib - now that's a line.
and we are happy to exist
in heavy-eyed ignorance.
You filter the blinding light of
a troubled world, reign in our worries
only for you, we no longer hear
the weariness in the horses neigh
only the pleasure of your tiny breath.

I say that because for the first two thirds (roughly) there is a lot of modifying going on, and it gets kind of overly-descriptive and it is hard to tell what is going on - or that it is in fact a baby you are describing. You do get around to it but the italicized part really pulled me into the emotion you wanted (or that I think you wanted) us to feel.

Maybe others will disagree but I think the part I quoted stands better on its own.

[Macavity]

I enjoyed some of the descriptive lines, though I agree with pseud on focus.

There is an interesting discussion of line breaks by pg posters that may be of use:

viewtopic.php?f=2&t=17785

Maybe title the poem 'the crib'.

mac

[Vincent Turner]

Thanks to you both.

I am in agreement.

The opening is a distraction, and will go.

Gonna work on this one.

Best Regards

Vincent

[Antcliff]

Hi Vince,

just a thought....I am probably wrong..but why not just this:


Hours we spend studying
the miracle of new skin, of your
unworried frown, or the mute coo
of your sucker-gum mouth.
We are perfumed
by the freshness of your skin,
the sweet tang of vital milk,
You have dissolved mostly everything
that occurs beyond this crib
and we are happy to exist
in heavy-eyed ignorance.
You filter the blinding light of
a troubled world, reign in our worries
only for you, we no longer hear
the weariness in the horses neigh
only the pleasure of your tiny breath.


At the mo, though I like the external description, it feels as if it takes too long to get to the main subject matter maybe?

Best wishes,
Seth