An Elastic Kind of Love

[Oskar]

Headhunter!

Jungle Queen!

Ripe bananas fly around your waist
copiously syncopating.
Six shimmies and a shuffle in.
You dance your own parade
through lamp-lit tickertape.
Elbows, knees and leopard skin faces
flapping for the white folks.
Girl made Africaine again
on your elasticated run.

And I will walk the backstreets
buttoned up in grey
to find your scene.
Underground. Subterranean.
Let me dance you close
in a place where we are made
of silk tails and soft-shoes.
Where hot jazz takes its flight
and we can shed our skin.

Tonight, Josephine.

[ray miller]

Hello Oskar. Loved this, you've made "copiously syncopating" sound down and dirty so well done for that.
Do you need punctuation at end of 3rd line?
your elasticated run - which conjures up all sorts of things in my head, slavery, being on a leash, allowed so much license, plus of course, clothing and dance. A great line, I think.
Do you need Underground and Subterranean?

in a place where we are made
of silk tails and soft-shoes. - Proper good that is.

Where hot jazz takes unlegislated flight - not so keen on this. hot jazz is rather done before and unlegislated don't seem to belong in here.

[Vincent Turner]

Not a word wasted here.

Nothing seems unnecessary.

A very measured and controlled poem.

Some favorite lines of mine were

Ripe bananas fly around your waist
copiously syncopating.

You dance your own parade
through lamp-lit tickertape.

Let me dance you close
in a place where we are made
of silk tails and soft-shoes.

For some reason unlegislated seems a little too formal, a little to clinical for this type of poem, most probably me, but I thought I would mention in.

Thoroughly enjoyed.

Cant say much more than that!

Best Regards

Vincent

[Antcliff]

Rocks Oskar!

The last line is a winner of course.
But the whole thing zings.

I should say that this strikes me as a case of art+photo combining to form a combined work o'art, not just, as with ekphrasis, a kind of comment or appreciation of the art. A different genre if you will, the "posteroem" or some such. If that sounds pretentious, so be it!

w

[Macavity]

hi Oskar
I enjoyed the tight writing, though I have to agree with the others on 'unlegislated.' I did wonder about the narrative of the poem. Initially I thought of the escape from 'flapping for the white folks' to the freedom of jazz and we can shed our skin. But then I felt this buttoned up individual was wanting to play a kind of fantasy too!

mac

[Elphin]

Hello Osk

I love the idea of this poem and the title but for me the whole isnt working. I am struggling to put my finger on it but I think its the contrast between the poster which has lots of movement - the bananas and the limbs - and rhythm so that the poem is made to appear ponderous. I think particularly the first stanza needs longer lines and more rhythm if it is to bring the poster to life. More of the copiously syncopating and parade/ticker tape poetic devices to bring it alive.

The best I can point to illustrate what I mean is the way Burns brings the witches dance to life in Tam O'Shanter

Warlocks and witches in a dance;
Nae cotillion brent-new frae France,
But hornpipes, jigs strathspeys, and reels,
Put life and mettle in their heels.

and there is more like that. I am not saying you need the same strict metre or rhyme but just to illustrate my point.

Hope there is something in what I have written.

elph

[David]

Ah, one of your poems. They're always something of an event, and usually a good one. Like this time.

Oddly enough, I'm not keen on "copiously syncopating" - there's something about the "copiously" that doesn't seem right.

Africain? Is that a typo, or a bit of French? Africaine, I suppose, then, if the latter.

"Underground. Subterranean." Hmm. How would you feel about "Metropolitain" instead of Subterranean?

Lovely finish!

Nice.

Cheers

David

[Oskar]

Ray – the l3 full stop can stay or go. Not too fussed either way.
Glad elasticated run conjured up what it did. That’s what I was after. Nice to know it works.
Do I need Underground and Subterranean? Thought that would raise one or two eyebrows. It’s a repetition, I know, but I like the way they sound together.
Unlegislated can go. They are five ungainly syllables I can do without. It doesn’t really add anything to what’s already there. Thanks for the nudge Ray, Vincent and Mac.

Seth – I initially tried scribbling a few lines set to JB swinging around in a birdcage. Thought it might be interesting to use a YouTube clip and write something to go with the moving image. I tried, but failed miserably. It’s an idea worth pursuing though, I think.

Elph – it’s always a pleasure to hear from you. I completely take your point about writing something that dances about much more than this one does. It would be entirely appropriate to adopt such a form for a poem about Josephine Baker. I see that. Mine is more Kenny Burns than Robert Burns, I fear! However, I had hoped that

Six shimmies and a shuffle/ lamp-lit tickertape/ flapping for the white folks

gave S1 a reasonable amount of dance-like movement. Oh well.

Mac – yes, S2 is my own little fantasy. Thought I’d do a Hitchcock and give myself a cameo role dancing with JB.

David – those syncopating bananas have got to stay, but I’m not entirely happy with the way that line is phrased. I feel a little more needs to be added. Not sure what though. Africain should read Africaine. Damn your eyes! But thank you. Metropolitain is very useable but, I’m happy with what I’ve already got there. It’s one of my favourite lines! I know, I know… there no accounting for it.

I have made a small adjustment to the unlegislated line.

Thank you for the comments. All much appreciated.

[Arian]

Yes, good. I particularly like s2.

Don't know if you're an al stewart fan, probably not, but it made me think of this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oI3FoekcbfI

Cheers
peter

[Raisin]

Hi Oskar,

Love this, lots of rhythm (ha), great way to finish as well, I do love a good last line. Only suggestion would be to scrap the "And" at the beginning of the second stanza, otherwise much enjoyed.

Ta,

Raisin

[Oskar]

Yes, good. I particularly like s2.

Thanks.

Excellent link. If I owned an ipod, that little beauty would be on it.

Hello, Raisin. "And" is my weak attempt at a segway. Should it go? I don't know, I just don't know. I appreciate your thoughts. All the best.

[Lake]

Hi Oskar,

Lovely and entertaining read. Like others love the last line, too.

Lake