Second Amendment
Sam rolled up his sleeves.
Cleared columbine
from the sandy soil
and with his
bare arms,
toiled.
Wielding the spade,
he dug another
twenty
schoolkids'
graves.
--------------------------------------------
An atheist gets a Christmas reminder
In the bleak mid-winter
a kid with a gun
killed twenty children.
'Happy Christmas
Everyone!'
Westboro baptists say
it's the work of God.
Fuck them. But if they're
right: Fuck Him too,
and His son.
Two poems on recent events
Last edited by Marc on Thu Dec 27, 2012 3:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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oranggunung
- Preponderant Poster
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- Location: Dublin, Ireland
Hi Marc
I prefer the first to the second; it seems to show more (or preach less) than it tells.
The soil/toil rhyme feels a little heavy-handed, though.
The story can be told quite succinctly.
I wonder if it might be contracted into a haiku (or tanka) format?
og
I prefer the first to the second; it seems to show more (or preach less) than it tells.
The soil/toil rhyme feels a little heavy-handed, though.
The story can be told quite succinctly.
I wonder if it might be contracted into a haiku (or tanka) format?
og
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twoleftfeet
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 6761
- Joined: Wed Dec 07, 2005 4:02 pm
- Location: Standing by a short pier, looking for a long run-up
Marc,
NRAmen to that!
I agree with Og - the first one is much better than the second.
schoolkid's / schoolkids' ?
Geoff
NRAmen to that!
I agree with Og - the first one is much better than the second.
schoolkid's / schoolkids' ?
Geoff
Instead of just sitting on the fence - why not stand in the middle of the road?
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Nash
Hello Marc,
I'm another that prefers the first one too. It's nicely understated but you've got the hints to aggression with 'arms' and 'wielding'.
I like the soil/toil rhyme myself, it's balanced nicely with the spade/grave rhyme in S2.
I wonder if 'schoolkid's' is spelling it out a bit too much? It doesn't quite sound right either, to my ear. How about 'small' instead?
Cheers,
Nash.
I'm another that prefers the first one too. It's nicely understated but you've got the hints to aggression with 'arms' and 'wielding'.
I like the soil/toil rhyme myself, it's balanced nicely with the spade/grave rhyme in S2.
I wonder if 'schoolkid's' is spelling it out a bit too much? It doesn't quite sound right either, to my ear. How about 'small' instead?
Cheers,
Nash.
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Antcliff
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 6599
- Joined: Thu Nov 24, 2011 1:35 am
- Location: At the end of stanza 3
Hi Marc,
yeh, I vote for 1 as well.
Another reason for thinking that perhaps you do need to say "schoolkids" is that you do say Columbine.
Seth
yeh, I vote for 1 as well.
Another reason for thinking that perhaps you do need to say "schoolkids" is that you do say Columbine.
Seth
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur
Very hard to get this kind of thing right. But this is pretty decent.
The first, you could just go with "kids'" - bit starker maybe. The image of Uncle Sam with his sleeves rolled up is excellent.
The second one I like because of its effing and jeffing and its unabashed anger. Now and again it's absolutely necessary to say this in a poem. It's not big or clever but it's right. Good one. Only thing I'd change would be the title. Maybe it doesn't need one?
The first, you could just go with "kids'" - bit starker maybe. The image of Uncle Sam with his sleeves rolled up is excellent.
The second one I like because of its effing and jeffing and its unabashed anger. Now and again it's absolutely necessary to say this in a poem. It's not big or clever but it's right. Good one. Only thing I'd change would be the title. Maybe it doesn't need one?
fine words butter no parsnips
I like these as well, especially the first one but the second as well. Sometimes it is hard to write good poetry when emotions are running high, but these work well, even if they aren't subtle. I'm with kj, I don't think these need titles.
"Don't treat your common sense like an umbrella. When you come into a room to philosophize, don't leave it outside, but bring it in with you." Wittgenstein
Thanks all. Geoff you're right of course re the typo - will amend.
I wrote these separately although obviously in reaction to events: firstly the shooting itself and then anti gun control comments I read that saddened me. Next the news that Westboro baptists were to picket the memorial services - unbelievable - but apparently true.
So the first was about 'the right to bear arms' enshrined in the second amendment. I feel the title is required because not everyone is as bright as you guys
The 'bare arms' in the poem may not be enough to get that message across to the thickos who need to hear it!
The second poem... Well, as K-J says - sometimes you've got to vent your righteous anger and spell it out....!
As for the title - I don't know how I feel about no title... Can't go out without a hat, can I?
Thanks all - will ponder further
Marc
I wrote these separately although obviously in reaction to events: firstly the shooting itself and then anti gun control comments I read that saddened me. Next the news that Westboro baptists were to picket the memorial services - unbelievable - but apparently true.
So the first was about 'the right to bear arms' enshrined in the second amendment. I feel the title is required because not everyone is as bright as you guys
The 'bare arms' in the poem may not be enough to get that message across to the thickos who need to hear it!The second poem... Well, as K-J says - sometimes you've got to vent your righteous anger and spell it out....!
As for the title - I don't know how I feel about no title... Can't go out without a hat, can I?
Thanks all - will ponder further
Marc
