A penny drops
her lifetime spent
technology, a burden
Envy of the forest tribes
happy lives
where water is smelt and seen
The gold, silver, red compass reads
Fear and loathing
north, south, west and east
Travelled the seven seas
To escape the humanley greed
Saw a creature free, in the dark of the bright blue sea
Finding
Would you like to commit yourself to some crits on the works of others while you are here - You have twenty posts on here to date, six of them are your poems, nine of them are either pertaining to them or your website. You have only managed five crits. The request is at least two crits per poem posted - Do you expect people to take time to comment on your work when you can't be bothered with the work of others? It's good manners to reciprocate.
Thanks
Barrie
Thanks
Barrie
ok, I can be bothered writing about others work, and i have now done so.
Your first verse started off quite promisingly -
'happy lives
where water is smelt and seen.' - Simple language saying much. Your description of Eden unspoiled.
'A penny drops
her lifetime spent
technology, a burden
Envy of the forest tribes' - The serpent, promising much.
In the second verse you seemed to lack direction, you knew what you meant to say, but not quite how to say it. You lapsed into cliche - 'fear and loathing', 'seven seas', 'bright blue sea'. You need to add to the first verse; you go from something promising to something of a disappointment. Take time to craft something much stronger. It's a popular subect, in order to make it effective, you'll have to present it in a new light. If not people will just say to themselves, 'Yes, I agree with what's being said - but I've heard it all before.'
Build on the first verse is my advice. Whatever else you come up with, ask yourself if you've heard it before.
cheers
Barrie.
Glad to see the crits up there too.
'happy lives
where water is smelt and seen.' - Simple language saying much. Your description of Eden unspoiled.
'A penny drops
her lifetime spent
technology, a burden
Envy of the forest tribes' - The serpent, promising much.
In the second verse you seemed to lack direction, you knew what you meant to say, but not quite how to say it. You lapsed into cliche - 'fear and loathing', 'seven seas', 'bright blue sea'. You need to add to the first verse; you go from something promising to something of a disappointment. Take time to craft something much stronger. It's a popular subect, in order to make it effective, you'll have to present it in a new light. If not people will just say to themselves, 'Yes, I agree with what's being said - but I've heard it all before.'
Build on the first verse is my advice. Whatever else you come up with, ask yourself if you've heard it before.
cheers
Barrie.
Glad to see the crits up there too.
Last edited by barrie on Tue Apr 04, 2006 11:23 am, edited 1 time in total.
good of you to oblige, cooladd.
I confess I have nothing new to say about the poem that barrie hasn't already - I won't bore with the same thing again. I will say, though, I liked the first stanza as a whole, I wonder if you need "a penny drops"?
- Caleb
I confess I have nothing new to say about the poem that barrie hasn't already - I won't bore with the same thing again. I will say, though, I liked the first stanza as a whole, I wonder if you need "a penny drops"?
- Caleb
Thankyou very much for the comments, i think i must have tried to rush the second stanza and i see i've definately lapsed into cliche. I'l have another go. Cheers, adam