On the mountain

[joe77evans]

On the mountain

There was no sky, no distance, just an opening
in the mist to a black wall of conifers
and a single crow that flew through what height

and depth the morning had. A mile
of cloud above me pressing down
and sheep standing on the verges that watched

without envy as I drove by. And even now
you weren't asleep: shifting uncomfortably
in your coal scuttle seat - padded navy

with white piping - knees lifting,
feet curling and kicking in soft
striped cotton. Dawn had brought me

no release: you were there, awake and alive
with need, for what I never understood,
but that it was nothing I knew how to give.

[ray miller]

Seems like 2 separate poems, the 2nd beginning at "And even now....". Or at any rate I find it hard to connect the two parts. I find the latter more interesting, makes me wonder about the relationship, father/child? And I like coal scuttle seat.
You might change the tense around here

A mile
of cloud above me pressed down
and sheep stood on the verges watching

I just thought "pressed down" sounded better.

[Arian]

I'm a bit torn by this.

On the one hand, the first half has an admirable sharpness, a genuinely powerful evocation of scene. I really like

a single crow that flew through what height
and depth the morning had.

That's top class stuff, in my view.

On the other hand, just my view, the second half - while maintaining a perfect rhythm and equally sharp expression - descends into emotional cliché, or something akin to it. There's something very familiar, almost sentimental, about the narrative closure. Probably just me.

Still, a perfectly enjoyable read.


Cheers
peter

[shadwell smith]

I think Ray is spot on with his comment about altering the tense re- lines he mentioned.

Well, the intention of the second part is interesting. Is there a sinister undercurrent? Someone who hasn’t bonded with their own baby?

A mile
of cloud above me pressing down

And even now
you weren't asleep

"Dawn had brought me

no release: you were there, awake and alive
with need, for what I never understood,
but that it was nothing I knew how to give."

That reads like someone not coping.

Is that last line a little tangled?

Regards

[Antcliff]

Hi Joe

I think perhaps "standing" could go. Not sure what the sheep options are that are sufficiently likely to need ruling out.

Is that last line a little tangled?

Rather with Shadwell here.

alive
with need, for what I never understood,
but that it was nothing I knew how to give.

I know what is being said here... and that you want to avoid "other than that" for "but that". I wonder if a double dash after "understood" might put greater distance between the two claims, so the sentence does not run on awkwardly (but there is still a link)? Just a thought.

Seth

[champion]

Hello Joe.
I am in total agreement with Arian about those terrific lines
a single crow that flew through what height
and depth the morning had.
I thought they bridged the first and second stanza so fluently. Very nice Joe.

‘A mile of cloud above me pressing down on me’
left me with the question, “if there was ‘no sky’, (presuming it resembled a blank palette), and ‘no distance’ as described in the first stanza, how could there then be ‘a mile of cloud above you pressing down’ in the second stanza?
Maybe you would consider ‘a mass’ or ‘an amplitude or copiousness’ or something like that? Not quite sure, but hope you don’t mind the suggestion.
Also ‘above me’ following ‘cloud’ seemed a little obvious and therefore un-necessary.

I thought the child-seat simile in stanza three was very original, and liked the lovely sound of ‘curling and kicking’ and ‘soft striped cotton’ in stanza four. I also enjoyed reading the subtle internal rhymes you cleverly placed Joe, sheep/asleep - shifting/lifting - navy/me.

Like others have already mentioned, I found the final line a little awkward, but nonetheless an enjoyable read.

All the best
Robbie.

[joe77evans]

Thanks everyone. I think I'll have a go at re-working the last stanza, to take the focus out a little bit from the immediate emotion of the moment into some kind of slightly bigger picture, to avoid what Peter rightly identified as the familiarity of the narrative closure. As it stands it's a very honest description of a real moment in my life; I guess the challenge is to try and lift it above that and into something that goes slightly deeper.

[camus]

and a single crow that flew through what height
and depth the morning had.

Personally I find I manage to write (if I'm lucky) 2 maybe 3 lines in a poem, that I wish the rest of the poem sustained!

For me these are those lines in this poem, brilliant writing. The rest (for me) falls into that mawkish introspective arena.

Hey I'm on your side, I know what's going down!

Cheers
Kris

[Macavity]

in your coal scuttle seat - padded navy

with white piping - knees lifting,

and a single crow that flew through what height

and depth the morning had.

Quite a contrast in styles. One has a weight of descriptive detail and the other poetry.

cheers

mac