This year

[Mic]

....................(for Katy and her son)

January will hold the door open for you
and you’ll carry him in, under an oak moon;

a blue garnet in his small, clenched fist
will throw light into that forest of lengthening days.

In February, the snows will melt and freeze,
form pearls on its branches: he will wear them.

Your girls will cut wood and swim under water,
fetch mermaid’s purses and stars for him.

As the earth dries, begins to show itself again,
March will grow him a birch wood cradle.

In April, your hearts will open.
Love, like water, will find its level.

May will bring summer to you,
flowers and shells to decorate your windows.

June, July and August will warm him, warm him,
set your hearts aflame; rubies will fall from his lips.

Now the last of the crops are gathered in,
only a few flowers left standing; acorns are falling.

Calendula. Sweet September. Winter is coming.
October’s bells will ring you safely home

and you‘ll sing your way into November,
pick berries together: such days to remember.

December wraps him in mystery. You light candles,
make pumpkin soup; he dreams of dragons.



Original

.................................(for Katy and her son)

January will hold the door open for you
and you'll carry him in, under an oak moon;

a blue garnet in his small, clenched fist
will throw light into that forest of lengthening days.

In February, the snows will melt and freeze,
form pearls on its branches: he will wear them.

Your girls will cut wood and swim under water,
fetch mermaid’s purses and stars for him.

As the earth dries, begins to show itself again,
March will grow an army of daffodils.

In April, your hearts will open.
Love, like water, will find its level.

May will bring the beginning of summer to you,
flowers and shells to decorate your windows.

June, July and August will warm him, warm him,
set your hearts aflame; rubies will fall from his lips.

Now the last of the crops are gathered in,
only a few flowers left standing; acorns are falling.

Sweet September. Winter is coming. Calendula.
October is your month; your boy is nearly a year.

November wraps him in mystery. You light candles,
make pumpkin soup; he dreams of dragons.

December!

[oranggunung]

Hi Mic

I like the idea here, but I can't help wondering if there is a checklist (birthstones and flowers) that might be making the writing too complicated.

The tenses get a bit muddled between August and September and poem’s tone seems to change there too.

I’m not a fan of the “warm him” repetition. It feels like a change in voice somehow. Would it work without “warm him” at all?

June, July and August will set your hearts
aflame; rubies will fall from his lips.

I have something of a bumpy ride at the end and can’t work out why you would choose to end with the naked month. It’s tempting to suggest a Kate Bush song.

Sorry, this isn’t working for me.

og

[Mic]

Thanks Og, negative responses are as useful to hear as positive ones - and you've raised some good points. I'll see whether there are some fixes.

Cheers

Mic

[Ros]

I love the idea as a poem for someone - I think some parts are working better than others. Like the first 4 verses - could you keep the idea of precious stones throughout? Think it loses its way a bit then - daffodils are a bit ordinary after clutching garnets. November is lovely - that's another idea/tone you could stick with. I think you need something for December!

Ros

[ray miller]

I enjoyed most of it, like og I thought it limped towards the end.

and you'll carry him in, under an oak moon; - I'd prefer beneath - sounds better

will throw light into that forest of lengthening days. - a small thing, but maybe on is better than into

As the earth dries, begins to show itself again, - it feels clunky somehow, the 2nd part - As the earth dries and begins to show itself?

May will bring the beginning of summer to you, - you could omit the beginning, I think

Now the last of the crops are gathered in,
only a few flowers left standing; acorns are falling.

Sweet September. Winter is coming. Calendula.
October is your month; your boy is nearly a year. - these two verses are the weakest, the November one I like very much

[Mic]

I love the idea as a poem for someone - I think some parts are working better than others. Like the first 4 verses - could you keep the idea of precious stones throughout? Think it loses its way a bit then - daffodils are a bit ordinary after clutching garnets. November is lovely - that's another idea/tone you could stick with. I think you need something for December!

Ros

Thanks Ros. The poem is for my sister Katy. The wider context within which it sits: she gave birth to her third child in December, a little boy. Due to complications during the pregnancy and/or delivery, the part of the brain that controls speech and movement (basal ganglia) was injured - the umbrella term for this is cerebral palsy. She is devastated, and finding the future difficult to move into. So, I wanted to write something positive, something that gives some forward movement through the next 12 months.

I agree that it begins to limp towards the end. I'm going to keep working on those weaker stanzas.

I do need something for December, you are right.

Mic

[1lankest]

Hi Mic,

I think the writing here is excellent and some of the images are really great. It is also a very touching piece. My only issue is one of taste: I don't go for the whole listing months thing but I'm sure it works for many. A good poem.

Luke

[Mic]

Thanks for this Ray. I think there is a general feeling that the the middle section is weaker than the rest. I'm going to rework these sections.

Mic

[Mic]

Thanks Luke.

I must admit that as I was writing it I had a similar thought - I knew it was a potential problem - the predictability of it amongst other things - about naming all the months. I will look again at how I might indicate a month without giving it's name, or using folkloric names instead. Or finding some other way that allows me to incorporate the names in an interesting/inventive way. Wish me luck with that!

Mic

Hi Mic,

I think the writing here is excellent and some of the images are really great. It is also a very touching piece. My only issue is one of taste: I don't go for the whole listing months thing but I'm sure it works for many. A good poem.

Luke

[twoleftfeet]

Mic,

Hats off for attempting such a difficult subject. I'm in the same camp as Og, unfortunately, plus I'm totally clueless about
the symbolism but all that really matters is that mother and baby like it.

[Macavity]

November wraps him in mystery. You light candles,
make pumpkin soup; he dreams of dragons.

Loved those lines. Perhaps you could thread some further foodie referencing, bringing/showing some more family warmth in the poem.

mac

[beautifulloser]

Hi Mic,

The tone of the poem is tinged with cliche for my personal tastes. That said; some people love this sort of stuff but it doesn't have enough bite for me.

I thought it was going to take a twist at a few points . . . for instance

a blue garnet in his small, clenched fist

I liked

but the following line was tame in comparison.

Applaud the effort the though. Wouldn't want to tackle the subject myself.

x

[Mic]

Thanks Mac and Beautifulloser.

I have perhaps fallen by accident into the cliché trap along the way with this one. I do like something about it though. I plan to do some work on the weak points that have been highlighted - perhaps introduce something less expected, and maybe some more food as well!

Cheers

Michaela

[Antcliff]

Hello, Mic
I am sorry for your news.

My favourite line here...

In April, your hearts will open.
Love, like water, will find its level.

...reminds me a bit of a line from your Dr Zhivago poem. Like snow it accumulates?


viewtopic.php?f=3&t=16923&p=136950&hili ... ic#p136950

I also liked...

Your girls will cut wood and swim under water,
fetch mermaid’s purses and stars for him.


Seth

[Mic]

Thanks Seth.

"...reminds me a bit of a line from your Dr Zhivago poem. Like snow it accumulates? " - I'm plagiarising myself a little. Cool that you remembered the line though!

Mic

[David]

Oh. Big brave attempt to tackle a disconcerting subject, and I think you do it pretty well. I go with the crowd on a few points: first four verses are lovely; November is very nice; and December needs to be fattened up a bit.

I love "oak moon" - wonderful image!

Not sure about "rubies will fall from his lips" - I don't see what you're getting at there.

A more than honourable gift, though, I would say - with just that bit of tweaking.

Cheers

David

[Ros]

Definitely worth working on then, Mic. I think it's a lovely thing to try to do.

Ros

[Mic]

Thanks Ros and David.

I've posted a revised version - with work on the weakest couplets.

Cheers

Mic

[Ros]

You've got a lot of almost-rhymes; only in v2 was it really hard to see a bit of rhyme. I think overall it feels much more of a piece now. Ending on the dragons is an inspired touch. I would think she'd love it.

Ros

[Mic]

Thanks Ros.

Ending on 'dragons' was a suggestion from someone over at 52.

Mic

[David]

I think overall it feels much more of a piece now. Ending on the dragons is an inspired touch.

I agree!

[Mic]

Thanks David. I'm glad I took the advice to work on this a little more.

Mic

[brokenbridge]

Hi Mic.

There is much to admire here and parts of this poem work really well. I cant add much more to the previous comments as my thoughts mimic much of thiers. There are lines which stand out and others that seem lame in comparission, i think this is partly due to the strengh of some of the images/phrasing. The first two couplets are nice, the third for me is a little flat and obvious, the following two are ok but I believe with editing could be elevated. I love the love/water/level couplet. Its the stand out one for me. May's couplet is again nice but the decorate line seems a little flat as though you were constricted by the couplet form. Hearts aflame is a little overdone. The final couplets are again just a little to bog standard, i.e the usual descriptions of a season. I like the last couplet as its a little more personal, the pumpkin soup is nice it steers away from the expected, it ends nice as well.

The edit is a far better version, and I think with further editing it could be excellent.

just my thoughts.

Best Regards

Vincent

January will hold the door open for you
and you’ll carry him in, under an oak moon;

a blue garnet in his small, clenched fist
will throw light into that forest of lengthening days.

In February, the snows will melt and freeze,
form pearls on its branches: he will wear them.

Your girls will cut wood and swim under water,
fetch mermaid’s purses and stars for him.

As the earth dries, begins to show itself again,
March will grow him a birch wood cradle.

In April, your hearts will open.
Love, like water, will find its level.

May will bring summer to you,
flowers and shells to decorate your windows.

June, July and August will warm him, warm him,
set your hearts aflame; rubies will fall from his lips.

Now the last of the crops are gathered in,
only a few flowers left standing; acorns are falling.

Calendula. Sweet September. Winter is coming.
October’s bells will ring you safely home

and you‘ll sing your way into November,
pick berries together: such days to remember.

December wraps him in mystery. You light candles,
make pumpkin soup; he dreams of dragons.