Welwyn

[OwenEdwards]

Muses, let me sing of love of my land;
no rage nor wand'ring, just old lies made true
by the walking of vales, my right hand
upon the steel gate to pastures new.

Slopes beneath the shattered house never seen,
showpiece lakes across from an aerodrome
I've never flown from, pubs I've never been -
God's own country in mythic monochrome,

but then – high paths lead by cowpat fields
thence through village azalea gardens
on sweating clear summers – grayscale yields
to Insta-Cam colours, palette which shuns

false lionization – making real
that poem beyond thought – that which we feel.

[ray miller]

Hello Owen. Long time since I saw a thence on here. I'd appreciate the poem more, perhaps, if I knew the significance of the title. The old lies and false lionization suggest a World War 1 theme. The shattered house and aerodrome seem to indicate a specific place. Anyway, I like the flow and there's some nice lines, for instance

God's own country in mythic monochrome - all the 2nd verse is good

shuns is never going to be a rhyme for gardens in any part of the country

[k-j]

I like this hymn to an unhymned land.

I don't get "old lies made true". "Pastures new" is obviously a cliche, not sure it works here.

S2 is good. The form is strong and easily handled here.

And I like the last six lines too, especially the cowpats and azaleas and the "fields/yields" rhyme. However, "palette whch shuns" is a bit cramped, lacking an article. Maybe you need to rethink "Insta-Cam" or use "tones" instead of "colours" or just unpack the line to "yields / to that polychromatic palette which shuns" - or something.

Agree with Ray on "gardens/shuns" not working, especially as the other rhymes are all perfectly respectable. What would be awesome would be to make "azalea" the end-word and then hit us with "regalia" or bacchanalia" in line 4!

"False lionization" - I see what you're saying, but only thanks to the explanatory bit after the dash. But I think this maybe complicates it unnecessarily?

[David]

Very nice to read you again, Owen. Not awfully fond of S1, although it comes alive from "just old lies" to "steel gate".

Ray and k-j like the second verse, and I do too. I like the third one too, but the final couplet is a bit abstract for me.

But you have a poetic voice of your own. Good to hear it again.

Cheers

David

[OwenEdwards]

Lots of helpful feedback. Gardens/shuns stinks, and the final couplet is vague to the point of obtusity.

Renaming the poem may help, or may confuse further - "Panshanger House", right beside my family home - which was sold and knocked down like Brideshead in the 1950s, partly as 2 of its 3 heirs had been killed in WW1, including Julian Grenfell. #

The contrast in the poem is between the cliché ("pastures new" evidently did its job too well in signalling that) romantic image of the stately home and quiet country pub and antique ideas like country aerodromes - as good as those things really are - and the humbler but no less real pleasure of subsuburbia and its attendant earthy-but-gardened green swards.

I'm mulling a revision.

[David]

So, how's the mulling going?

[OwenEdwards]

Currently it's produced the below -

Muses, let me sing of love of my land;
no rage nor wand'ring, just old lies made true
by the walking of vales, my right hand
upon the steel gate to pastures new.

Slopes beneath the shattered house never seen,
showpiece lakes across from an aerodrome
I've never flown from, pubs I've never been -
God's own country in mythic monochrome,

but then – high paths lead by cowpat fields
thence through village azalea gardens
on sweating clear summers – grayscale yields
to Crayola regalia – pardons *

former false lionization, concretes
that only in the daily are we complete. *

The two asterisks mark lines that are over by a syllable.

[David]

So, not much change until the last four lines? That's understandable. Your final couple (is it a couplet?) is still straining for something that I'm not really feeling, though.

Does it have to be a sonnet? Would three verses of four lines not be just as good? Especially if you bring some of what you're trying for into S3. (That line ending on "pardons" sounds quote off to my ear.

I propose that for your consideration!

Cheers

David