High Noon in Bedfordshire (was Five miles from... )

[Oskar]

REVISION 2

Even the cows have had enough.
They’ve given up and gone,
removed their silhouettes from the hill,
turned their backs and wandered off
to find a distant view of somewhere else.

It’s sort of fizzled out and flopped,
left the crease with battered knackers in a box.
Crap handed town,
doesn’t throb or want to hang around
to climb the wall and get its mojo back.

But it remains, persists
beyond the valedictions of departing cattle.
A dull spectacle coming to an end
living rough on graphic scenes of gloom
with a budget custard pie sliding down its face.

I don’t care if Gary Cooper lived there once.
It’s a duffer of a dunce
that sits, and yawns, and waits.
Put it in the urn with Burnley and Slough
and set it on the lychgate.

Gary won’t be strapping on his guns to save the place.
Not in this case. Not here. No way.
This is Dunstable, Central Beds.
and Gary will be riding out
in Hollywood, instead.

..........................

REVISION 1

Even the cows have had enough.
They’ve given up and gone,
removed their silhouettes from the hill,
turned their backs and wandered off
to find a distant view of somewhere else.

It’s sort of fizzled out and flopped,
left the crease with battered knackers in a box.
Crap handed town,
doesn’t throb or want to hang around
to climb the wall and get its mojo back.

But it remains, persists
beyond the valedictions of lactating cows.
A dull spectacle coming to an end.
Living rough on graphic scenes of gloom
with a budget custard pie sliding down its face.

I don’t care if Gary Cooper lived there once.
It’s a duffer of a dunce of a place
that sits and waits.
Put it in the urn with Burnley and Slough
and set it on the lychgate.

No fun. No time to be fifty one,
in Dunstable.

.........................

ORIGINAL

Even the cows have had enough.
They’ve given up and gone,
removed their silhouettes from the hill,
turned their backs and wandered off
to find a distant view of somewhere else.

It’s sort of fizzled out and flopped,
left the crease with bashed up knackers in a box.
Crap handed town,
doesn’t throb or want to hang around
to climb the wall and get its mojo back.

A frigid spinster in a silly hat;
a fallow-headed dear in carpet slippers
waiting for the mourners to arrive
and say Yes, she really did quite well
in spite of her condition.

But it remains, persists
beyond the valedictions of lactating cows.
A dull spectacle coming to an end.
Living rough on graphic scenes of gloom
with a budget custard pie sliding down its face.

I don’t care if Gary Cooper lived there once.
It’s a two bob waste of time.
A duffer of a dunce of a place.
No friend of mine. No fun.
No time to be fifty one, in Dunstable.

[Antcliff]

Hi,
Poor, poor Dunstable...

Thoughts below

Even the cows have had enough.
They’ve given up and gone,...............................do you need line 2? It seems to be covered in the other lines in the stanza?
removed their silhouettes from the hill,
turned their backs and wandered off
to find a distant view of somewhere else.

It’s sort of fizzled out and flopped,
left the crease with bashed up knackers in a box.......is this a cricket reference?
Crap handed town,
doesn’t throb or want to hang around
to climb the wall and get its mojo back....climb the wall?

A frigid spinster in a silly hat;
a fallow-headed dear in carpet slippers...liked this.
waiting for the mourners to arrive
and say Yes, she really did quite well
in spite of her condition.

But it remains, persists
beyond the valedictions of lactating cows.
A dull spectacle coming to an end............is Dunstable coming to an end?
Living rough on graphic scenes of gloom
with a budget custard pie sliding down its face........sad indeed.


I don’t care if Gary Cooper lived there once....my favourite line.
It’s a two bob waste of time.
A duffer of a dunce of a place.
No friend of mine. No fun.
No time to be fifty one, in Dunstable....like the dull/ruff/budget/duffer/dunce/fun/DUNstable sound system emphasising the name

[MikeAcker]

I will have to read this one a few more times, but I liked the first read.
I liked the line: "removed their silhouettes from the hill,".
That is bad when even the cows decide it's time to up and leave!

[Oskar]

Hello Seth,

Yes, l2 could go. There are cricket references- just seemed to fit somehow. Dunstable is in a bit of a state these days.

I'm toying with removing S3. Seems a little out of place now.

Cheers, Mike. Thanks for reading.

[David]

I've come to this a little late, but not too late. Really enjoyed it, right down - or up - to the title. Perhaps a little too much cruelty in frigid spinster? Otherwise, no complaints. Pure enjoyment.

Cheers

David

[Oskar]

Thanks, David.

I'm still not sure if S3 needs to be there at all. The poem probably fits better together without it. I can live with the title, unless something better occurs to me. I'll think on.

I've messed around with the ending. Still not happy with it, but it's improving, I think.

[David]

Good call on S3, I think. That cleans it up nicely, streamlined and good to go. I'm not completely persuaded by your new ending, though. I liked the old one. (How did Burnley get in there? Is it just an urn thing? Not that I know Burnley at all.)

Cheers

David

[Oskar]

How did Burnley get in there?

Ah, glad you asked. Brace your self -

[David]

Self duly braced. Enjoyed it.

[Antcliff]

I wonder about reversing first and second stanzas. Then the "wandered off" stanza is immediately contrasted with "it remains". And I wonder if the second is a stronger opener anyway?

Seth

(ps. I did not press the JCC link...some things are best left in the 70s.)

[Suzanne]

Hello Oskar,

I kept thinking that "distant" is not needed and the word view was enough.
The cattle lactating was okay but I liked this much better:

But it remains, persists
beyond the valedictions of departing cattle.

And "a duffer of a dunce" was very pleasing to say.
I sort of missed the fifty one line..

all in all, I can see this heading somewhere... well, er.. even though Dunstable is not heading anywhere.

Here is a BIG photo I thought was interesting of G. C... ahhh, for the fun of it.
(Sorry, I couldn't downsize it. Right click and view photo in a new tab, it's filled with wind and character.)

Suzanne

Gary-Cooper-LA-1936-WOW.jpg (170.61 KiB) Viewed 3188 times