Description of Evening

[k-j]

Five past eight: the sun,
charcoaled through frowsy cumulus,
renders the cottonwoods and lawns
hyperreal, viridian;
and clement breezes sing to us
like tenor horns.

The days slough off their form
like miscreants intent on flight,
slipping the flatfoot's hold.
A hidden swarm
of cicadas instigates the night;
the days are anecdotes unwilling to be told.

[Suzanne]

K-j,

I like this very much. The understated drama of the still and yet very alive evening. I think it is very appealing.
I wanted to be there.

Frowsy is a very good word giving the clouds the same look as the miscreants.

This is the second of yours that described evening so vividly for me I have gotten homesick for climate I don't live in.

My only crit would be the tenor horns as they were too loud an image for my liking. But that is a minor thing.

Enjoyed,
Suzanne

[IainMichaelBryan]

I agree with Suzanne re the 'tenor horns', but otherwise this is very good.

Particularly like two images, 'the sun, charcoaled', and 'intent on flight, slipping the flatfoot's hold'.

Really enjoyable.

Iain

[bodkin]

Hi k-j,

For me the first 4 lines feel very in-the-moment, e.g. an attempt to describe without commentating. Which made lines 5 and 6 a bit of a sudden change in direction, as they are much more pulled "zoomed out", cerebral and because they reference "us" there is a sudden intrusion of people...

Then, however, the second strophe continues in the more cerebral manner and develops it very engagingly.

I did hesitate over "instigates the night"... it didn't feel a valid use of 'instigate', as it it was a transitive/intransitive mismatch. However I've pondered it for a few minutes and I can't put my finger on anything that's actually wrong so I think It must be fine...

I like the flatfoot and the miscreants...

And I wonder if in the last line you are deliberately referencing the cerebral/non-cerebral split. e.g. that the days are unwilling to be told because that's would be explicitly a move from the real to the merely recounted?

So in summary, I found L5/6 a bit jarring after what went before, but I enjoyed the whole in spite of that.

Ian

[David]

Not entirely convinced by this one, k-j. It seems overwritten to me in places. The vocabulary of the poem is - perhaps - a bit too florid.

I like the charcoaled sun, though. And I do like the rhyming and the fluctuating form.

the days are anecdotes unwilling to be told

An intriguing thought. I don't see why they would be unwilling.

Still, it's always fun to follow you through a poem.

Cheers

David

[Arian]

Hi k-j

For me, this is within touching distance of being terrific. I really like its sustained imagery leading to the final line, which is wonderfully poetic (if gnomic).

A couple of things let it down for me:

1.
clement breezes sing to us
like tenor horns.

A simile which fails to convince this reader - seems to be there for the rhyme horns/lawns

2.
cicadas instigates the night;

I think I know what you mean - their noise somehow defines the night, but 'instigates' seems off-key to me. Not quite right.

Anyway, nice piece, liked reading it.

Cheers
p