My Lottery Win (v3)

[Antcliff]

Teetering drunks
decide to walk along a cliff edge,
but there is no fall.

What could have happened,
didn't. Which is good news.
Or, not news at all. Every day

things don't happen,
that might have.
Around every corner on the street

things don't occur,
non-events, so numerous,
buzzing like bumped nests of could bees.




v2
Teetering drunks
decide to walk along a cliff edge,
but there is no fall.

What could have happened,
didn't. Which is good news.
Or, not news at all. Everyday

things don't happen,
things that might have.
Around every corner on the street

there are things not occurring,
non-events, so numerous,
buzzing like whole nests of could bees.



v1
Teetering drunks
decide to walk along a cliff edge,
but there is no fall.

What could have happened,
didn't. Which is good news.
Or, not news at all. Everyday

things don't happen,
things that might have happened.
Around every street corner

there are things not occurring.
Non-events are so numerous,
buzzing like whole nests of could bees.

[IainMichaelBryan]

Wry and witty - perfect groan for 'could bees'.

I think you should lose 'things' and 'happened' in line 2 of stanza 3 for a bit of rhythm. Good title.

Enjoyed,

Iain

[Antcliff]

Thanks very much for calling by, Iain. Glad to hear your comments and suggestions.

Yes, I am going to nip that "happened". It should go. Done.

Seth

[David]

I can't add anything to Iain's comments, but nor do I want to detract anything from them. Lovely.

[steamboats]

Like this a lot, wonder if it might run a wee bit better by cutting the occurrence of the word 'things'?


drunks
decide to teeter along a cliff edge,
but there is no fall.

What could have happened,
didn't. Which is good news,
or no news at all. Everyday

things don't happen,
that might have.
Around every corner on the street

they don't occur,
non-events so numerous,
they buzz like nests of could bees.

[k-j]

I like the image of the drunks on the cliff as things that might have (not) been. But after that the poem seems to wander without images, without visuals.

Now, I love puns, I love them... I dream of them, I speak them, I read and recite them. But, BUT... the one here, at the end of the poem, just makes the whole thing seem like a setup. It's not a bad pun, although it is a very loud one. But it hogs the poem. The pun grabs the poem and does the hula-hula with it.

I think "or, no news" would be OK without "at all" - turns a cliche on it head while revealing the truth of it.

Surely "every day" is two words, in the sense you're using it here? As it is, the meaning is "ordinary things don't happen", rather than "all the time..."

I do like steamboat's revision.

[1lankest]

Great - a thought that occurs to me often and yet never appears in my poetry. Well done. Agree with k-j about the lack of visuals but I get that this is more about the abstract thought than anything else - something to set the mind awander.

The ending is super but is there not a better, more visually stimulating word than 'whole' to introduce the next of could bees?

Luke

[Moth]

Totally and utterly agree with the above regarding the final two words:

The pun grabs the poem and does the hula-hula with it.

In fact, I may be tired but at first I couldn't think what the heck 'could bees' were! Me? I'd simply drop the extra 'e'.

[Antcliff]

Thanks again, Iain

Thanks, David

Thanks, Steamboats, for thoughts and version. I am persuaded to get rid of at least one "things".

Thanks K-J, yes, ha, it should be every day. How did I miss that?

Hula....

just makes the whole thing seem like a setup.

Well it probably is.

Thanks, Moth. I like your suggestion.

Thanks, Luke. Yeh, you're right, I'll find something better than "whole".

Thanks all, helpful.

Cheers, Seth