Creel

[IainMichaelBryan]

Creel.

I have a keen fear
of black plastic bags
not rolled cosily in kitchen drawers
or neatly bowed vessels of land-filler packaging
the kind half buried by leaf mould
in quiet woods

surreptitiously cornering
blackly from the mulch
to a shadowy crook of your innocent eye
there it is
once blown off the beach
fraying by the footpath solitude
an ancient coil-trap
of fence wire rusted to an immortal Holly root
creeping beneath it's dessicated sheen
like a thin dry line of blood

no clue to the peril within lies without
a sweet breeze
rustles the piebald floor
carrying the late summer' s rippling birdsong
and you tug the offending scrap from gudgeoned earth
that would steadily swallow our every dreg

for the horror of wasps to find you scrabling
mottled, mewling
their cold legions trickling out their home torn in two
to scarify a vengeance palpating your hide
fanning out
a poised hexagonal
that dives barbarous yellow on all sentience below
implacable for hours after you run
gulping into thickets from your caustic skin

[ray miller]

Some impressive language

fraying by the footpath solitude

the piebald floor

gudgeoned earth

I'd have liked some punctuation to help follow the narrative. After 3 or 4 reads I'm still not sure of the significance of black plastic bags or where the line is drawn between those which do not inspire fear and those that do.

blackly from the mulch - in light of the black plastic bags wouldn't darkly be better?
surreptitiously cornering - can't pin that down

creeping beneath it's dessicated sheen - its desiccated - nice couple of lines, though
like a thin dry line of blood

that would steadily swallow our every dreg - you could lose this line, I think

cold legions - why would they be cold in late summer?

scarify a vengeance - not as good a formulation as some of your others

[Macavity]

I have a keen fear
of black plastic bags
not rolled cosily in kitchen drawers
or neatly bowed vessels of land-filler packaging
the kind half buried by leaf mould
in quiet woods

Enjoyed the opening, but agree with Ray on the punctuation. There is a feeling of overflow in the writing. Perhaps punctuation would bring some restraint. The writing becomes less grounded for my taste:

their cold legions trickling out their home torn in two
to scarify a vengeance palpating your hide
fanning out
a poised hexagonal
that dives barbarous yellow on all sentience below
implacable for hours after you run
gulping into thickets from your caustic skin

All the best

mac

[k-j]

Hi, this is very much like the last one of yours I read and I like this one too. But it's very similar.

Something unexpected around every corner. The lack of punctuation helps with this. It also makes it hard to critique for some reason, and I think in the end it gets in the way of the reader just a bit, at least me.

I really like "immortal Holly root" and "gulping into thickets". Real good raw poetry that.

In general I prefer the first two sections. In the second two it gets more intense and I think it goes a bit awry there. "Within lies without" is unnecessarily clever I think. Piebald floor doesn't work for me, horses or other animals can be piebald, but the forest floor is always changing. Mottled would be better here, not later on.

"Cold legions" - I rather think of wasps as hot and unlegionlike, more swarmy and barbarian although I realise they're organised like legions. If they're only "trickling" why are they so scary? "Scarify a vengeance" doesn't make sense to me. A poised "hexagonal"? Why not "hexagon"? "On all sentience" but not on non-sentience? Surely wasps are impartial in this regard? "Below" is not needed.

I just think the second half needs more focus. I have skipped over the first half but I do really like it. Much of the language is really original.

[David]

Yes, I pretty much agree with all the above. I like the first two (even three) verses a lot - especially the M R Jamesian view of black plastic bags - but in the last verse you seem to turn it up to 11. More subtle dynamics needed.

Some really good writing, though.

Cheers

David

[Elphin]

I agree with the others here Iain, language is interesting, it makes you want to read but there is so much going on and the lack of punctuation works against the reader.

Only thing I would add is to reduce the modifiers. For example here are 4 in three lines,

a sweet breeze
rustles the piebald floor
carrying the late summer' s rippling birdsong

Not entirely convinced the line breaks are anything other than random, either. For example in first stanza there are more interesting breaks that would build the narrative e.g.

I have a keen fear of black plastic bags
not rolled cosily in kitchen drawers
nor neatly bowed vessels of land-filler packaging
nor the kind half buried by leaf mould
in quiet woods surreptitiously

cornering blackly from the mulch

Something like that

Interesting to read.

elph

[IainMichaelBryan]

Many thanks to all for your analysis.

I have been experimenting without punctuation to try and make a more visceral stream of reading. This piece is an attempt to describe an incident that took place some years ago during a litter pick in local woods, when I unintentionally pulled a ground wasps nest in a bin liner apart, rolling it on itself. The immediate area had to be cordoned off for 24 hours because the wasps attacked anything moving - people, dogs, even birds.

I will work on it some more, particularly re Elph's suggestions.

k-j, just to clarify, I used 'cold' to reinforce the sense of implacability, 'legions trickling' to convey the sense of a great many emerging from a small crushed opening, and 'scarify' because it suggests (to me) a plurality of concerted attack.

All the best,

Iain

[thoke]

I don't understand the title but I think the poem is a success. I think some light punctuation might improve things. Particularly, a comma at the end of line 4.

Ben