Autumn Tanka

[Marc]

For all that we leave
by our choice or through our loss
Spring comes to remake.
Aspens scatter promises
prayer flags tremble by the lake.

[ray miller]

Hello Marc. I like the last 2 lines. What strikes me most is the mention of Spring, which seems unseasonably early. Perhaps if you must have it in it might go at the end

The trees scatter promises.
Prayer flags flutter by the lake
For all that we leave
by our choice or through our loss,
Spring comes to remake.

Maybe that formulation ruins the Tanka line-up, whatever that is.

by our choice or through our loss, - do you need through?

[Macavity]

The trees scatter promises.
Prayer flags flutter by the lake

hi Marc,
I thought the last line evoked a sense of place. If you edited the generic 'trees' to a specific species then that would add colour and frame the poem within a location. Just a thought.

all the best

mac

[Marc]

Thanks Ray and Mac,
valid points both of you.

Tanka is 5/7/5/7/7 - well, you know in some schools of thought... you know how the argument goes with haiku!

Mac - I think you're right. I need a suitable tree species to help set the place and improve the image.

Will work on it.
Marc

[Marc]

Little edits.
Trees: now Aspens and Prayer lags are trembling rather than fluttering. Aspens symbolise overcoming fear and strength through diversity - and they're known to 'tremble' in even the slightest breeze. In which case they become the prayer flags themselves.
There, hope that's better!


Marc

[1lankest]

Good edit Marc, like the aspen and the trembling.

Like the poem. Nicely, deftly done.

Luke

[Macavity]

hi Marc,
I think you should keep the original posted to compare with the original. There are usually differing opinions to be had.

For all that we leave
by our choice or through our loss,
Spring comes to remake.
Aspens scatter promises,
prayer flags tremble by the lake.

Like the edit, though it feels punctuation heavy for this form.

all the best

mac

[byneothr]

I like this tanka. I'd remove the punctuation and the upper case alphas except for the uppercase Spring. Removing the 3rd line as a sentence enhances it as a pivot line. Good read, thanks.

[Marc]

Thanks,
have amended slightly removing some commas, the full stop at the end of the Aspen line and the capital P from prayer making the last two lines one sentence as you suggest,
Thanks,

Marc

[Suzanne]

I like this alot Marc!

Having an affinity for leaves on trees, i could see it so clearly. Wonderful.

Yep. Liked.
Suzanne

[Marc]

Thanks Suzanne

Marc