What the moon said (was 'Orbit')

[Marc]

Slip my luminescence
and you will find other light.
You may thrill with the beating
of day bird wings in flight.

Still, please notice the flatness
of the midday sun,
how as afternoon progresses
a sharper vision comes.

See the Earth's relief,
the movement of terrain and know
that brighter lights may hide
as much as they will show.

Then as my orbit swings
us back together we will lie
in the courtly light I bring
and you can gently sing
me postcards from your eyes.

[elotrooso]

Slip my luminescence
and you will find other light.
You may thrill with the beating
of day bird wings in flight.

Still, please notice the flatness
of the midday sun,
how as afternoon progresses
a sharper vision comes.

See the Earth's relief,
the movement in terrain and know
that brighter lights may hide
as much as they will show.

Then as my orbit swings
us back together we will lie
in the little light I bring
and you can gently sing
the secrets of your eyes.

We can wonder at the differences,
and laugh
at the losing,
the learning,
the loving,
the returning.

This seems like advice of a lover to his/her lover not to be swallowed up by the other and to see the other 'light' that is present, to allow secrets to be sung gently. Very nice. The last strophe seems anti-climactic to me; I think ending after "the secrets of your eyes" makes for a much stronger piece, imho.

[Marc]

Thanks - and yes I think you're right. Various edits now follow including ending as you propose,

BW
Marc

[steamboats]

I like it and agree about the end at 'eyes' though I think the image 'sing the secrets of your eyes' is too fruity for my taste and a bit out of synch wi the rest of the poem. Something less consciously purple would be better in my opinion

[Marc]

Thanks Steamboats - I've already amended that line as it was too clichéd really... hopefully now better

Thanks

Marc