Paolo's story

[David]

I was leaning over her shoulder,
pointing something out
in the book when our fingers met,
and she said your hands are cold.
Cold hands, warm heart, my mother
always told me. Is that
true, she asked. When we kissed
her lips were soft, very soft,
and I felt that I was flying,
released from the earthly bonds
that had held me heretofore
as everything flashed by
and the ground fell away and I seemed
to hear a wind, rising.

[Jackie]

David,

As I read this I see Paolo move from a charged, unpredictable state to full confidence, back to changeable turbulence. That seems reflected in the enjambment, too—it regularizes the moment they kiss. It’s so nice not to be told this, but to sense it coming on in your poem.

Enjoying this.

Jackie

[oranggunung]

Hi David

I enjoyed this too. I’m afraid I can’t see the subtleties of the enjambment that Jackie mentioned, but I’ll keep looking.

I sense some irregularity at the end ... I think I’d prefer a full stop after “heretofore”. However, if that change were made, the last “and” would be redundant (imho). It's only small stuff and probably not to be sweated.


cheers

og

[ray miller]

Last few lines are nice and I like heretofore. Speaking of enjambments, this seemed an odd one

always told me. Is that
true, she asked. When we kissed

I'd have expected

always told me. Is that true?
she asked. When we kissed

[Jackie]

Yes, that's what I mean by unstable, unpredictable. Along with

Cold hands, warm heart, my mother
always told me.

, and

pointing something out
in the book when our fingers met

Might be just imagining it, but it disappears with the kiss, until we get to

and I seemed
to hear a wind, rising

when I start jerking my head back and forth again. Or maybe I'm just a romantic?

Jackie

[David]

Thanks all. I don't mean to be coy - well, just a bit coy - but I see this is as an attempt to draft some imagined Mills and Boonery onto an excerpt from one of the Classics of Western Literature. Which, put that way, sounds an awful idea, so if it doesn't come off too badly I'm very pleased.

Cheers

David

[Ros]

I've already looked a bit dim about this one. I still like the ending.

[1lankest]

Nice until here, David:

When we kissed
her lips were soft, very soft,
and I felt that I was flying,
released from the earthly bonds
that had held me heretofore
as everything flashed by
and the ground fell away and I seemed
to hear a wind, rising.

Some cliches?

Ground fell away, felt I was flying?

Nice last line.

[David]

I've already looked a bit dim about this one.

Not at all!

I still like the ending.

Good!

Some cliches?

That might be the Mills and Boonery, Luke. And ... https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Francesca_da_Rimini

Cheers both

David

[Ros]

I think if the reader links the poem to the picture, and the Dante, then there's added depth which is important. If the reader is reading it just as Paolo being a random person, then it seems a little simplistic. Relying on the eruditeation of the reader here.

Ros

[David]

I think if the reader links the poem to the picture, and the Dante, then there's added depth which is important. If the reader is reading it just as Paolo being a random person, then it seems a little simplistic. Relying on the eruditeation of the reader here.

I think you're right, Ros. Too much eruditeation perhaps. (It's faux eruditeation on my part anyway.)