Cherry blossom falls
in the dark
but finds no ground there.
Look how the moon swells
in monochrome
over the garden’s long grass
where she's flung
her wedding ring,
saying this is the end now.
How he laughs
as she wades towards him,
her small frame shaking.
The children turn in their sleep (1984)
Last edited by Mic on Sat Feb 21, 2015 2:41 pm, edited 3 times in total.
"Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside you" - Rumi
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Nash
Hello Michaela, good to read one of yours again.
It's beautiful, ambiguous and uncomfortable. Just my sort of thing.
My first thought was about what relevance the title had to the poem. I was going to suggest re-titling it but after several reads I think it would be a shame, it just adds to the ambiguity. And, I know we've discussed this before, but I'd want to read the poem if I saw that title on a contents page.
My only real nit is S3 L3. Is it grammatically correct? It probably is but it seems a bit lumpy to me. Would it be better as either "saying this is the end now" or "saying it is the end now"?
Oh, and a comma after "him" in S4?
Nash.
It's beautiful, ambiguous and uncomfortable. Just my sort of thing.
My first thought was about what relevance the title had to the poem. I was going to suggest re-titling it but after several reads I think it would be a shame, it just adds to the ambiguity. And, I know we've discussed this before, but I'd want to read the poem if I saw that title on a contents page.
My only real nit is S3 L3. Is it grammatically correct? It probably is but it seems a bit lumpy to me. Would it be better as either "saying this is the end now" or "saying it is the end now"?
Oh, and a comma after "him" in S4?
Nash.
Hi, Mic. Very intiguing. I hope you won't mind a bit of stream of not-so-very-conscious consciousness commenting.
A single blossom falls. I wonder why it finds no ground. Because in the dark the fall can't be followed visually all the way to the ground?
Love S2. Moon swells. In monochrome. Long grass. (Long grass? So there is enough light to see to the ground where the grass is. But not where the blossom falls?)
Where she's flung...she being the moon or another? the moon being freed from the sun or a woman from a man?
How he laughs ... I find that quite chilling after the anger of flinging the ring
After the succinctness of line 2 in each of the first 3 strophes (3 and 4 syllables) line 2 of the last strophe (at 6 syllables) feels (maybe) a bit long?
When all is said and done, I'm not sure I suggest any changes (other than Nash's comma). Quite like it just as it is, even with the opaque title.
A single blossom falls. I wonder why it finds no ground. Because in the dark the fall can't be followed visually all the way to the ground?
Love S2. Moon swells. In monochrome. Long grass. (Long grass? So there is enough light to see to the ground where the grass is. But not where the blossom falls?)
Where she's flung...she being the moon or another? the moon being freed from the sun or a woman from a man?
How he laughs ... I find that quite chilling after the anger of flinging the ring
After the succinctness of line 2 in each of the first 3 strophes (3 and 4 syllables) line 2 of the last strophe (at 6 syllables) feels (maybe) a bit long?
When all is said and done, I'm not sure I suggest any changes (other than Nash's comma). Quite like it just as it is, even with the opaque title.
Thanks Nash.
I've put the comma in an corrected that line.
Mic
The title is of course very deliberate. I wondered if there might be a danger of it feeling 'disconnected' from the action of the poem. It isn't supposed to be(!). I was thinking of it as the backdrop/context against which/within which the action of the poem takes place.Nash wrote: My first thought was about what relevance the title had to the poem. I was going to suggest re-titling it but after several reads I think it would be a shame, it just adds to the ambiguity. And, I know we've discussed this before, but I'd want to read the poem if I saw that title on a contents page.
I've put the comma in an corrected that line.
Mic
Last edited by Mic on Sat Feb 21, 2015 8:55 am, edited 1 time in total.
"Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside you" - Rumi
Hello elotrooso,
This is a good point.
Mic
I'd imagined lots of blossom falling - so chrery blossom in the plural sense. One blossom falling is also fine if that is what is pictured!elotrooso wrote:A single blossom falls.
The poem hoped you'd wonder about this.elotrooso wrote: I wonder why it finds no ground. Because in the dark the fall can't be followed visually all the way to the ground?
It would seem so! Maybe the moonlight is throwing more light on the lawn than the cherry tree...elotrooso wrote:. (Long grass? So there is enough light to see to the ground where the grass is. But not where the blossom falls?)
elotrooso wrote:After the succinctness of line 2 in each of the first 3 strophes (3 and 4 syllables) line 2 of the last strophe (at 6 syllables) feels (maybe) a bit long?
This is a good point.
Mic
"Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside you" - Rumi
In my mind, a woman from a man.elotrooso wrote:Where she's flung...she being the moon or another? the moon being freed from the sun or a woman from a man?
Mic
"Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside you" - Rumi
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JJWilliamson
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3276
- Joined: Sun Feb 22, 2015 6:20 am
Hi Mic
I liked the imagery and brevity of this poem and particularly enjoyed the metaphor and ambiguity. I see an end to some sort of relationship with a new beginning on the horizon. I love the snow fall of the cherry tree blossom as the shadows deepen near the ground. I can visualise the fading blossom but can't help feeling there is another layer at work here IE 'dark' and 'no ground'. I've no real suggestions for you but I did wonder about 'flung'. That action seems impulsive and incongruous, and not representative of a measured response. Just a thought.
Enjoyed,
JJ
I liked the imagery and brevity of this poem and particularly enjoyed the metaphor and ambiguity. I see an end to some sort of relationship with a new beginning on the horizon. I love the snow fall of the cherry tree blossom as the shadows deepen near the ground. I can visualise the fading blossom but can't help feeling there is another layer at work here IE 'dark' and 'no ground'. I've no real suggestions for you but I did wonder about 'flung'. That action seems impulsive and incongruous, and not representative of a measured response. Just a thought.
Enjoyed,
JJ
Mic wrote:Cherry blossom falls
in the dark
but finds no ground there.
Look how the moon swells
in monochrome
over the garden’s long grass
where she's flung
her wedding ring,
saying this is the end now.
How he laughs
as she wades towards him,
her small frame shaking.
Long time a child and still a child
-
bodkin
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3182
- Joined: Sun Dec 21, 2008 9:51 pm
- antispam: no
- Location: Two inches behind my eyes just above the bridge of my nose.
Hi Mic,
I like the scene and how it is portrayed... but I just don't see where the children are?
Unless the point is that all this happened and they didn't wake?
Could you lose the "'s" on "she's flung"? The contraction of "she has" to "she's" is always a slightly awkward one, written down, and you don't actually need the auxiliary verb...
I'm also not sure how to take the end... earlier, "this is the end" but now she's wading back to him? Or is this a different "him"? And although shaking clearly shows strong emotion, it doesn't say which emotion: fear, anger, lust...?
So in summary I like the scene and language, but am not 100% on understanding it overall.
Ian
I like the scene and how it is portrayed... but I just don't see where the children are?
Unless the point is that all this happened and they didn't wake?
Could you lose the "'s" on "she's flung"? The contraction of "she has" to "she's" is always a slightly awkward one, written down, and you don't actually need the auxiliary verb...
I'm also not sure how to take the end... earlier, "this is the end" but now she's wading back to him? Or is this a different "him"? And although shaking clearly shows strong emotion, it doesn't say which emotion: fear, anger, lust...?
So in summary I like the scene and language, but am not 100% on understanding it overall.
Ian
http://www.ianbadcoe.uk/