Slime

[AshleyD]

Slime

Only furry green slime
grew on officer's
black shoe.

Scraped with a toothless comb;
stitching frayed,
rubber worn.

By glueing in padded soles
each step bounces
fresh, yet unsqeeked.

His hands tremble slightly
as he polishes in
black goo.

They'll soon grow too used
to carry him,
disconnected from the turf.

-----------------

I'd appreciate any suggestions - thanks.

[pseud]

hello Ashley,

I was wondering if I had permission to move this to the Expert side? I think it would fair well in there (though I'm not so sure what anyone would say to critique it.)

The sounds are enough to make it work:

Only furry green slime
grew on officer's
black shoe.

Scraped with a toothless comb;
the stitching frayed[,]
the rubber worn.

By glueing in padded soles
each step bounces
fresh, yet unsqeeked.

His hands tremble slightly
as he polishes in
black goo.

They'll soon grow too used
to carry him,
disconnected from the turf.

One further thing, and this is just because I think it would be cool - taking out the "thes"?

it would only change three lines:


stitching frayed
rubber worn
disconnected from the turf

So simple. Loved this.

- Caleb

[mick]

Absolutely mad, Ashley. I love it. Agree with Caleb about the "thes". Fantastic imagination. I didn't even notice the sounds....it just flowed in my head so beautifully.
Nice one.
Mick.

[AshleyD]

Wow, thankyou so much Caleb and Mick. Im really pleased that people can connect with this. I've removed the "the"s and added the comma as suggested. I have to confess to doing this reluctantly, but I agree that this "(..)rubber worn" line carries that noun stronger without them, as does the other. Thanks so much for the suggestions. Im flattered that this would fair well in the other forum, so yes, please go ahead and move it.

Thanks for taking the time,
Ashley.

[barrie]

I can certainly appreciate the sonics, but I'm unsure of what the poem's all about.
Why does furry green slime grow on the officer's shoe (unless he's dead)? What am I missing here?

Barrie

[AshleyD]

Hi Barrie,

It's difficult to say what exactly it's about. I was partially reflecting upon the way new things grow old, the sorrow thats involved, disconnection from our youthful ambitions and regrets about parting way with reality.. The message probably isn't as clear as I would have liked.. but I enjoyed writing it all the same.

Thankyou for taking the time,
Ashley.