Taking Off Jack

[ray miller]

We met backstage and he asked me how
I’d enjoyed the show. Sitting down, I quipped,
suited me best. He deadpanned and I told him that
I was quite impressed, each sketch was a kernel

containing the next like a Russian doll and he’d pulled
them off so masterfully, with that expression
of weary indifference I’d no need to study further.
And yet, after all, it was hollow, the laughter.

He did the lip curled up one side of his mouth
and imperceptibly raised an eyebrow;
did that shrug he does using only his hands,
that look of affronted innocence

and with the boyish voice of one who possessed
more pause than effect, he protested that
this was just one bad night, he’d got funnier stuff, I’d see.
What I saw was a suit that would perfectly fit

and a cue card drawn on the palm of his fist,
which would have to be taken off with the rest.
I’d studied too hard to have second thoughts now
and a comic retired with a gag in his mouth.

[1lankest]

Lovely....not sure I get the end but I'll be back.

First thougts, lime seven seems a mouthful. Perhaps drop 'that'?

Love the Russian doll simile. Wonderfully enlightening.

I'll return.

Luke

[ray miller]

Thanks, Luke. I shall take your advice on line 7.

[Ros]

Enjoyed this. I'm not sure who Jack is, but that probably doesn't matter. The line break on

containing the next like a Russian doll and he’d pulled

gave me the wrong impression of pulled, but perhaps that also doesn't matter.

Ros

[elotrooso]

Ray, not time for a closer read at the moment, but the Russian dolls led me to expect/hope that each stanza would be enjambed as S1 is into S2.

More later I hope. Not a lot of time these days: house sold, finding rental that is pet friendly, on and on...

Ken

[ray miller]

Thanks, Ros, but don't tell me you don't know Jack. I'm wondering now which impression of pulled you got.

Thanks, Ken. That's a great idea about Russian dolls/stanzas. I'll probably do nothing about it, but it is a great idea.

[shadwell smith]

Jack Dee?

I like the title. Fits very well. Enjoyed the read.

Sitting down, I quipped,
suited me best.

Use italics, maybe? It would highlight the speech from the surrounding text.

a cue card drawn on the palm of his fist,

Not quite picturing that.

Very good last line.

Bit of a drive-by from me, but I liked. Just wanted to say.

[David]

I'm not sure who Jack is either. Jack Nicholson as a comedian? A stand-up, perhaps. (That would work. And I believe he does pull a lot.)

I like the relaxed pace of this, and the delivery, but I think I'm missing the punchline.

Cheers

David

[Ros]

Yes, Jack Dee fits, but like David I may be missing the point.

Ros

[ray miller]

Thanks all. Jack Dee, yeah. I tried to be the Jack Dee of stand-up poetry for a while and failed miserably. Which was apt. Maybe I should call this Extreme Plagiarism or something like that.
a cue card drawn on the palm of his fist - like singers have to remind them of the playlist.