Wheel By Wheel

[Antcliff]

Still freewheeling, uphill, on and on,
so long after we have any right.
Magic, probably. Or, improbably.
Who cares? We're ascending angels.


Still going.

[Arian]

I like this a lot, Seth. The paradox contained in the first three words has, for me, a 'surprise value' that sustains the whole piece. Do you need 'still going'?

One super-ultra nit, which will sound finicky to the point of nerdism, is the logic of the first couplet. After the great 1st line, line 2 implies that we have a right to do the activity described in l1 (freewheel uphill). Thus, to my peculiarly pedantic mind, l2 (though sounding nice) undermines the effect of l1 by 'undoing' its implied contradiction.

Or something. I think. Ignore me.

Good stuff, anyway.

Cheers
Peter

[Antcliff]

One super-ultra nit, which will sound finicky to the point of nerdism, is the logic of the first couplet. After the great 1st line, line 2 implies that we have a right to do the activity described in l1 (freewheel uphill). Thus, to my peculiarly pedantic mind, l2 (though sounding nice) undermines the effect of l1 by 'undoing' its implied contradiction.

Aha. Thanks very much, Peter. Yes, exactly...as you so very clearly describe. I wondered about something like that.

But, I thought that there might be no problem because, after all, we can freewheel uphill....to a degree? If we go down one big hill we can be carried some distance up another. (Okay, I was just watching nephews freewheel). So there is no contradiction in "freewheeling uphill" alone, to be undone. But then can I get away with the initial description...freewheeling uphill....not being a contradiction but being something absurdly contrary to expectation? (Given usual cases of flat land below a hill and the fact that we assume "freewheeling" will go on over quite a distance?) Your comments make me wonder though.

Good to know that I may not need "still going". It was perhaps added because I wondered if what went before was enough.

Seth

[Ros]

It makes sense to me. Agree you don't need the still going.

Very nice.

Ros

[Arian]

But then can I get away with the initial description...freewheeling uphill....not being a contradiction but being something absurdly contrary to expectation?

Precisely.

You're right, of course - sheer momentum can carry us uphill for a while. But the (implied) premise of l1 is that special conditions (such as having momentum) don't apply. For l1 to work (and it does), I think its absurdity needs to be free of appeals to special conditions - after all, many figures of speech could probably be considered 'true' under highly specialised circumstances, and that would rob us of a lot of poetry. Still, it's a fairly pedantic point - it's a very nice piece.

Cheers
Peter

[JJWilliamson]

Still freewheeling, uphill, on and on, ...I'm hooked in the land of evocations.
so long after we have any right.
Magic, probably. Or, improbably. ...I think this line could be strengthened. 'Magic' certainly works and the idea is a good one, however, if the line was removed it wouldn't make much difference.
Who cares? We're ascending angels. ...Great line


Still going. ...not really necessary

I also like this poem, Seth. I can see Peter's point but I'm not sure it detracts
from the uphill freewheeling. I feel there's more to say. Perhaps an extra line or two after 'angels'. Just thinkin'.

Enjoyed, wanted more.

Best

JJ

[blackpanther]

lose the first word as the rest of this piece stands on its own. loving the visuals too

[Suzanne]

I thought this was fun. I like magic thrown in as a reason.
Feels very blue skies and carefree adventures.

I have times when i hope down hill momentum carries me further that expected.

Thanks Seth
Suzanne

[David]

Lovely. Exhilarating, in fact. The sense of being (secularly, and inexplicably) blessed.

I like the two word postscript, but how would you feel about

Still going. For now.

Or even just For now.

Cheers

David

[Suzanne]

I would vote for For now. Just saying.