natural storm

[blackpanther]

windswept, clinging onto
the last few remaining
tantalising roots
lying on peat, streaming
down the rock face
where nature intertwines
it with other plants, laced
weaved into cloaks
covering the bare earth
keeping it warm and dry
protecting the rock and plants
from natural cruel storms
that leach chemicals
and could do so much harm
turning the rock into several hues
but mainly greens and blues
backlit by the white tops
of waves that never know
when exactly they should stop

donna

[David Smedley]

Hello Donna.

Just a few thoughts.

The 3 commas need to go and line breaks used to good effect instead. Why? because the rest of the piece is unpunctuated.

The title only made me think what is a "natural storm" as opposed to a "storm." And therefore the "natural" did not work (for me).

I did not believe that

natural cruel storms
leach chemicals
and could do so much harm
turning the rock into several hues
but mainly greens and blues

I could not work out where the "waves" suddenly come from.

Others will wade in with more views to add to mine.

David.

[blackpanther]

Hi David

On reading it back and paying more attention to the piece - i understand where you're coming from --- just not sure why those "errors" haven't been picked up on elsewhere cos it's been up on quite a few of the US and Aussie poetry boards and no one has mentioned them.

the word "natural" in the title was generic because at the time of writing, i wrote a whole series of environmental poems for an art gallery, based around the "natural" environment and their outcomes.

many thanks for enlightening me with your thoughts and comments --- i just wish that i'd found poetsgraves earlier than a few days ago. i like my poetry to be as near perfect as it can be - nothing can be absolutely perfect or there would be nothing to strive for.

donna

[ray miller]

Some nice lines. I do wonder what an unnatural storm might look like/

windswept, clinging onto
the last few remaining
tantalising roots - I don't think tantalising is necessary
lying on peat, streaming
down the rock face
where nature intertwines
it with other plants, laced -what is it?
weaved into cloaks - I'd suggest and before weaved
covering the bare earth
keeping it warm and dry
protecting the rock and plants
from natural cruel storms - this line, and the next 2, should go, I think. They sound like a school science lesson.
that leach chemicals
and could do so much harm
turning the rock into several hues
but mainly greens and blues
backlit by the white tops
of waves that never know
when exactly they should stop - a nice ending, I like the last 4 or 5 lines

donna

[blackpanther]

an unnatural storm - maybe one that bites your when you're not looking - i get the point though.

the school science lesson was more to do with the theme that was running through all the pieces i put forward. if i remember this was one a few that i didn't think at the time made the grade but the poetry forums elsewhere on the net loved it - i've always thought that it required something to make it "ping" which is why it's gracing these boards

thank you for your feedback

donna

[Macavity]

of waves that never know
when exactly they should stop

Like that notion, how it conveys destructiveness. In terms of edits you may wish to consider the number of -ings chiming through the poem.

all the best

mac

[blackpanther]

Mac thank you for pointing that out - it hadn't even crossed my mind until you pointed it out LoL

maybe then it just needs summat to make it "stand out" rather "ping"

donna

[Suzanne]

I like the green imagery. I can sense the lushness. But i honestly don't know what you are talkong about. How can a natural storm be windswept? And clinging?

What is the suject that is doing all these verbs?

What is the "it"?


Curious,
Suzanne

[blackpanther]

the "it" is the rock face that is mentioned in the poem

hope this helps

donna

[Suzanne]

Hi,
Have you gotten some feedback to help you get this where you want it? What are you thinking about the title? Ido you have the other pieces that went with this one?

Suzanne

[blackpanther]

Hi,
Have you gotten some feedback to help you get this where you want it? What are you thinking about the title? Ido you have the other pieces that went with this one?

Suzanne

Hi Suzanne

I'm all pens with this one cos even though this poem is out there, I've not had any meaningful feedback at all beyond the usual. From the comments that I have had people saying that they like it but nothing further.

As for where it's going - not got a scooby - it was just written and that was that - never did anything with it apart from show it a few people and put it up on the US and Aussie boards and they loved it but for me it was "never all there" and I never really worked out what to do with it so I thought I'd put it up on these boards and see what if anything transpired.

If you've somehow managed to do what couldn't do and re-write this piece then please let me see what you've come up with

yes i have the other pieces that make up the series because i always write everything down in a book before tarting them up and putting them / sending them wherever --- one of the pieces won a poetry competition on www.Aggiesbooks.com - poem is called "Natural Rage" - 01/06/15

As for the title - the Natural bit was more than likely to be because it was part of a series of environmental poems that i did for an art gallery but beyond that nothing - quite frankly this piece could have been titled quite a few things. Would you like to re-title it?

If you would like to have a crack at this piece,then don't be scared - just go for it

donna

[JJWilliamson]

Hi Donna

You have some interesting natural images throughout this piece but overall it's gerund and adjective heavy.
Too many 'ing' words can weaken a poem, some seeing them as a distraction due to repetition, others claiming they 'show' rather than 'tell' (I'm on the fence with that one) . I have no problem with gerunds if they're used in moderation and I firmly believe this is the key. We can't justify the wholesale abandonment of non-finite verbs for the sake of personal preference, but an overload can irritate the most placid of readers. Some of your language is somewhat convoluted in places and could be tightened. Here's an example from a recent crit (another poem btw): "It's an inadvertent departure from a perceived norm." simply put, "A mistake"
Okay 'a mistake' places the image in the realm of the drab and ordinary, but I hope you get my drift. (is that a reasonable expression?)

Anyway, some thoughts for your perusal:

windswept, clinging onto
the last few remaining ... If they're 'last' they are 'few' by definition otherwise it would be, ' the many remaining roots' How about dropping 'remaining' for 'remnants' and dropping 'tantalising' ? No matter how I look at this description I struggle to see how roots can be 'tantalising'. They could be entangled, tangled, twisted, knotted etc..........................'The remnants of entangled roots lying on peat' is one possibility. Helps drop a couple of 'ings'.
tantalising roots
lying on peat, streaming ...Maybe, 'streaming over peat down the rock face'. There goes another 'ing'.
down the rock face
where nature intertwines...awkward phrasing
it with other plants, laced ... ditto. Are the roots intertwined? I'd jump from 'rock face' to 'weaved'. IE 'streaming down the rock face, weaved into cloaks...'
weaved into cloaks ...very nice
covering the bare earth ...'over bare earth'
keeping it warm and dry...'to keep it warm and dry' Maybe something fresher.
protecting the rock and plants...can you name the rock or plants?
from natural cruel storms ...not sure you need 'natural' and cruel reminds me of The Cruel Sea by Nicholas Monserrat. Maybe vicious, demonic, furious etc.
that leach chemicals ...Reads like the storm is leaching rather than the soil or rocks.
and could do so much harm ...vague
turning the rock into several hues
but mainly greens and blues ...Hues and blues works. Green and blue suggests copper.
backlit by the white tops
of waves that never know
when exactly they should stop ...not sure if 'exactly' is necessary.

donna

Well, just a few thoughts. Use or lose as you see fit.

Best

JJ

[blackpanther]

Hi Donna

You have some interesting natural images throughout this piece but overall it's gerund and adjective heavy.
Too many 'ing' words can weaken a poem, some seeing them as a distraction due to repetition, others claiming they 'show' rather than 'tell' (I'm on the fence with that one) . I have no problem with gerunds if they're used in moderation and I firmly believe this is the key. We can't justify the wholesale abandonment of non-finite verbs for the sake of personal preference, but an overload can irritate the most placid of readers. Some of your language is somewhat convoluted in places and could be tightened. Here's an example from a recent crit (another poem btw): "It's an inadvertent departure from a perceived norm." simply put, "A mistake"
Okay 'a mistake' places the image in the realm of the drab and ordinary, but I hope you get my drift. (is that a reasonable expression?)

Anyway, some thoughts for your perusal:

windswept, clinging onto
the last few remaining ... If they're 'last' they are 'few' by definition otherwise it would be, ' the many remaining roots' How about dropping 'remaining' for 'remnants' and dropping 'tantalising' ? No matter how I look at this description I struggle to see how roots can be 'tantalising'. They could be entangled, tangled, twisted, knotted etc..........................'The remnants of entangled roots lying on peat' is one possibility. Helps drop a couple of 'ings'.
tantalising roots
lying on peat, streaming ...Maybe, 'streaming over peat down the rock face'. There goes another 'ing'.
down the rock face
where nature intertwines...awkward phrasing
it with other plants, laced ... ditto. Are the roots intertwined? I'd jump from 'rock face' to 'weaved'. IE 'streaming down the rock face, weaved into cloaks...'
weaved into cloaks ...very nice
covering the bare earth ...'over bare earth'
keeping it warm and dry...'to keep it warm and dry' Maybe something fresher.
protecting the rock and plants...can you name the rock or plants?
from natural cruel storms ...not sure you need 'natural' and cruel reminds me of The Cruel Sea by Nicholas Monserrat. Maybe vicious, demonic, furious etc.
that leach chemicals ...Reads like the storm is leaching rather than the soil or rocks.
and could do so much harm ...vague
turning the rock into several hues
but mainly greens and blues ...Hues and blues works. Green and blue suggests copper.
backlit by the white tops
of waves that never know
when exactly they should stop ...not sure if 'exactly' is necessary.

donna

Well, just a few thoughts. Use or lose as you see fit.

Best

JJ

Hi JJ

This piece was in my opinion the weakest of the series that i did for the gallery. I like what you've done with it and the changes - they make sense

I might rewrite it as per the way you've outlined and put it back into the forums where this piece originally appeared and just see what happens.

It's very rare that i am inclined to rewrite any piece tbph (I normally put the ones I feel are no good in the bin) but with this it was sort of "lost" when I created it --- At the time I needed a certain amount of pieces to show the gallery and four of those ended up in the gallery and the rest came home and ended up on the US / Aussie forums.

It is really good to get feedback like this because without this level of feedback and interpretation by some one that knows a few tricks you don't truly know if what you're doing makes any real sense.

I'm very happy that everybody that has contributed to this thread has made very good suggestions about this piece

One point I will make now is that at no point have i said this is a perfect piece, in fact I think you'll find that I've slammed it which is why it's here requiring surgery and it's getting help

Thank you all so much for the feedback

donna

[blackpanther]

Given that we all including me know that this piece is fundamentally flawed.

I've just dug out the book that i had this poem written down in. This poem in its original format and wording was accredited with 2 x read of the day awards (one on a US board and one on the Aussie board I use) plus the Aussie board also gave it a pick of the week award.

There's lots of people writing and putting poems up those boards but hell makes me wonder whats going on sometimes.

donna

[brianedwards]

What storm isn't natural? What would an unnatural storm be, or be like?

Sorry Donna, but regardless of all your plaudits it's really not well written. I teach high school and I'd find this level of writing unacceptable from my teenage students.
If people are telling you this is good it's because they want you to say the same about their work. It's all very nice and collegiate, but if you're serious about writing it won't help you at all.

B.

[Suzanne]

Donna,

I'd love to see you edit it as if it were new.

PG is a serious place to learn. I encourage you to stick around and give it a try. Your contributions are very welcome.

You brought us this poem because you have an unsettled feeling about it. We 've confirmed that. It is only one poem of a hundreds within you.

It is not very well written but! it has some rich visuals and shows promise but if people thought they understood it or whatever, they are just hoping they did, my opinion.

It begins with an illogical title and so has set the rest of it off balance.
If the other boards overlooked that then that is the standard by which they crit. We ask a higher standard.

But I think i am correct in saying that most of us don't( and probably never will) care what another board has said.
And most of us don't care what was before of after a poem or where it belongs in a scheme of poems, unless all are presented to us.

A poem should pretty much stand on its own without explaination by the poet.

I would love you to rewrite it and see what unfolds here. Sounds like fun.
Find your point of perspective, who is the N and keep all things inline with whatever you choose the subject is.


Welcome welcome,
Suzanne