The Trapper - Revised

[HenryBones]

The Trapper

Watching the beavers negotiate
the uneven ascent
from choppy plain to broken peak,
I was put in mind of the camps

the Indians would strike at our
approach, their tipis' triangular
shapes disappearing through smoke holes
to the four corners of the globe.

Last winter it had been so cold
that their breathing had gusted and billowed
from out of the lodge like the fumata

bianca of cardinals in conclave,
or the fuming of the Mayflower
as it picked its way across the waves.

Original

The Trapper

Watching the beavers make their broken
ascent from choppy plains to uneven
peaks, and pausing there for a brief space,
I was put in mind of the camps

the Indians used to strike at our
approach, their tipis' triangular
shapes disappearing through smoke holes
to the farthest corners of the globe.

Last winter it had been so cold
that their breathing would gust and billow
out of the lodge like the fumata

bianca of cardinals in conclave,
or the bubbling of a swimmer
alone and stricken below the waves

[ray miller]

Nice. I like the last 6 lines best. Not sure why the shapes would disappear to the farthest corners of the globe.

the Indians used to strike at our - I'd prefer would strike

[k-j]

Really good I think.

Love the abstract way it moves from thought to thought.

Beavers don't ascend to peaks though, do they. Just to valleys in between peaks.

Shapes? Forms better?

The whole central idea of beavers/Indians/cardinals is just fantastic. And the final, unexpected image also works well.

[SteveR]

Henry,

i love the imagery of beaver lodges compared to tipis. Although the ledges are usually more rounded while Tipis are pointed, it still worked for me.

"to the farthest corners of the globe" lost me. I'm not sure exactly what you meant.

Thinking of the hot steamy breath of the plump beaver as cardinals in conclave brought a chuckle.

I liked the poem

Steve

[David]

The first verse seems basically a clumsy set-up for the rest, but the rest is so nice - the last six lines especially, as Ray says - that I can't begrudge it.

If truth be told, I think the last two lines aren't quite up to the level of the four preceding lines, as the concordance of the conclave with the lodge is so good that it seems a shame to dissipate that. Could you embroider it instead?

I do like this, though.

Cheers

David

[HenryBones]

Thanks for the comments all, I've done a wee revision to try and finesse it a little

[brianedwards]

I'm not convinced I'm afraid. The leap from beaver to Indian to Vatican to Mayflower, though very appealing, serve to make the voice wholly inauthentic to my ear. A peculiarly erudite 19th century trapper?
S2 is awkwardly written, the tipi lines particularly jarring, and there's a few too many modifiers in the opening.

Just my thoughts.

B.

[bodkin]

Hi Henry,

For me the comparison of the beavers to the people doesn't particularly summon any image, possibly because I've not seen much of beavers and don't know there way. I could see the idea of them slipping into the water to disappear, but up a mountain, do they do that?

The ghost-like disappearing through the smoke hole of the tipi that isn't even there into the corners of the World is rather magical for me, however.

I also quite like the transitions to cardinals and the Mayflower via breath -> smoke -> spray, and I think it brings us quite a sad message about how these incoming bits of another culture are going to overwhelm the locals.

All-in-all the more I read it, the more I like it.

Ian

[blackpanther]

i really like both versions of this poem

I like the imagery (I have seen beavers and they are like ghosts at times) that runs through this piece but don't understand why the boat is there though because a boat the size of the mayflower wouldn't have got anywhere near true beaver territory, so to me doesn't make sense.

the last stanza of the second one makes much mroe sense and fits directly with the rest of the piece

donna

[cynwulf]

Hello Henry,
like your revised version, nice picture. Two nits: even in poetry I don't think globes can have corners, not sure about the Mayflower image, is there some sigificance in the ship's name here? And didn't get 'fuming.
Best, c.