The Daydream of Words in their Sweetest Combination

[Antcliff]

The voice takes him to a flowery valley,
an idling of a day picked amongst
the petals. This is the habitat of happiness,
the words seem to say, though
that is not their meaning. Like servants,

what they carry belongs to others.
What he follows are their daydreams,
the scented sounds of wishes
escaping from the radio into the night air,
giggling like lovers floating into freedom.

[k-j]

Well, the title is terrific.

Poem is pretty great too. I think lines 3-5 and the last line are slightly weaker than the rest.

"This is the ... meaning" is a little - telly? Or, maybe it's that "this is the habit of happiness" is so specific it's hard to imagine the words "seeming" to say it. They'd either say it, or say something else.

Giggling has a manic connotation which upsets the tone of the piece for me. And "floating into freedom" is kind of vague and hand-wavy. I think you could do better with this line.

[David]

Yes, really nice. It all seems like a medieval dream.

I even like those lines that k-j is uncertain about. Except for the last line, where I agree with him about "giggling". Didn't I object to it in a different poem recently as well? So hard to use it effectively, for the reason he gives. You're determined to do it, though, aren't you?

It always make me think of Frank Gorshin as The Riddler. But that's my only quibble.

Cheers

David

[ray miller]

I think the first 6 lines are great, especially Like servants, what they carry belongs to others

their daydreams seems superfluous, you have it in the title and follow it with wishes. Not too keen on scented sounds, either, bit vague. I like giggling, for what it's worth.

[dedalus]

... Like servants/ what they carry belongs to others.

I liked that ver much, Also, the habitat of happiness.

[Macavity]

This is the habitat of happiness,

I liked the sound of that too Seth, though I did wonder what these flowers and scents are, but then daydreams tend to be floaty

all the best

mac

[Antcliff]

Thanks K-J, Ray, David, Mac....even Bren?

Very helpful suggestions/comments.

Thanks, K-J
glad about the title.

Giggling has a manic connotation which upsets the tone of the piece for me.

Hmm, interesting. I tend to think of it as innocent laughing, but I can see your point. I see David is reminded of the Riddler too. Hmm.

And "floating into freedom" is kind of vague and hand-wavy. I think you could do better with this line.

Yeh, I want the float, but may nix freedom then.

is so specific it's hard to imagine the words "seeming" to say it.

Might have the words seem to do something other than "say".


Thanks Ray,

their daydreams seems superfluous, you have it in the title and follow it with wishes. Not too keen on scented sounds, either, bit vague.

Yeh, agreed.


Thanks Mac, Bren
nice to know about that those lines.

Thanks Mac,
okay, working on the specifics of the flowers now...

Thanks David,

Yeh, I seem to remember a use of "giggling" before? Where? Hmm.

It all seems like a medieval dream.

Increasingly, yes..


Working on a new version.

Seth

[Firebird]

Excellent poem! A very strong start and then I love the development of words being servants, and 'the scented sounds of wishes'. Excellent. One of the best poems I've read in my short time as a member here.

Thanks for a great read.

Tristan

The voice takes him to a flowery valley,
an idling of a day picked amongst
the petals. This is the habitat of happiness,
the words seem to say, though
that is not their meaning. Like servants,

what they carry belongs to others.
What he follows are their daydreams,
the scented sounds of wishes
escaping from the radio into the night air,
giggling like lovers floating into freedom.

[Antcliff]

Thank you very much, Tristan